RIP...And The Important Word Is PEACE

I read the obituaries every day. Actually, I read two sets of obits...the ones where I live now and the ones from my hometown. I have to read the ones from back home, as there is no one to let me know if anyone I am acquainted with has passed. Sadly, I fully expect to READ a relative's name before being TOLD by a family member, first. This is one of the first activities I do after turning on the computer every day.

When reading the obits, I focus on a couple of things: Age and cause of death. Obviously, as one gets older, the age someone dies becomes more relevant. And the cause of death hits close to home, especially after The Husband's passing. And this makes me ponder...

So many people die because of cancer. So many obits mention a person's 'courageous battle' against this horrible disease. And I really can't relate, as The Husband went so quickly after his diagnosis. There was nothing we could do to 'fight' the cancer...it was too far along and he had too many other health issues. And, God forgive me, I think I am grateful.

Before anyone thinks too poorly about me, let me explain. First, after his diagnosis, he was hospitalized rather quickly. He was coming up on the completion of his second year of dialysis and things were not going as well as they should have. His access sites were not cooperating...he was in and out of the hospital having his chest wall graft 'fixed' far too many times and he was trying to heal from having a perma-cath placed, once again. The last day of dialysis at the dialysis center, found him having to be sent to the hospital because his blood pressure had bottomed out, once again. This was an on-going problem for the last days of his life and he didn't get a full dialysis treatment for over a week before he passed. I do believe this hastened his death. How much the cancer had to do with any of this, who knows.

I know--to a certain degree--what some people go through while in cancer treatment. I cannot imagine how difficult life would have been for us if he had started chemo. With two very serious illnesses, one would constantly be interfering with the other. He would have had to do dialysis right before chemo so that the dialysis wouldn't clear all of the drugs from his system before they could actually DO anything for the cancer...and then he would have to go and have his blood 'cleaned,' again. So, there would have been no rest for him, at all, as he was having dialysis three times a week. The week he was home between the diagnosis and his being sent to the hospital, was extremely depressing for us both. He was used to being able to go out-and-about whenever he wanted and having the weakness that he did was very hard on him. I don't know how much he could have taken...or WOULD have. I think there would have been a time when he would have just stopped treatment altogether; I remember when he started dialysis and he talked about people who quit, and he said he understood.

I have to keep myself from feeling guilty...I know that I helped hasten his death with decisions I made. At the end, he was not coherent enough to make any medical decisions and I had to use my power of attorney to decide what was to be done. I finally had to say 'enough.' Just before he was sent to hospice care, his perma-cath was removed...this meant no more dialysis. This also meant only--at most--two more weeks of life. As he was so weak, he passed in less than 24 hours, peacefully. I HAVE to keep telling myself that I did what was best for him. Thankfully, The Daughters were on board with all decisions and we made them together.

We all make choices every day...some are easier than others. Not everyone has to decide when someone is to live or die, thankfully. It is something that isn't forgotten...

Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

As we age, we will all face the inevitable...having to find a new doctor. And it isn't fun...

The first doctor I lost was my GYN. He had delivered The Youngest and kept me as a patient until he retired. We were very close in age...he was a couple of years older than me...and we had a great rapport. I would go in for my annual physical and we'd sit and talk 'computers' for the first half of the visit and THEN get down to the nitty gritty. I STILL miss him and it's been well over 15 years.

The next doctor I had to replace was my primary care/internist. It took us a little while to 'get' each other, but after that, we had a wonderful relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better, kinder, more understanding doctor. He was about 5 years older than me and that helped our relationship, along with him being one of the best diagnosticians ever to wear a white coat! And over 10 years ago, he decided to become a hospitalist and left private practice. That day, I think I actually cried. Since then, I have gone through two more doctors (for primary care) and am now on my third...

I haven't yet seen my new doctor. She just took over my case when the last doctor left, earlier this month. I was happy to hear from other people that she is just great and couldn't wait until my October appointment to meet. That's pretty much been the way things have always happened with new doctors.

Now for a little segue...

I have thyroid issues...hypothyroidism, to be exact. This means my thyroid is underactive and I have been on meds for many years due to this. I regularly go for blood work to make sure everything is being regulated properly. When my 'numbers' are high, I need more meds...and when my numbers are low, the dosage needs to be lowered. Rarely do my numbers drop low enough to lower my dosage...except recently. For some reason, earlier this year, my numbers went WAY low, so I have had my dosage lowered three times in order to get myself back to where I should be. Last Friday it was time for more blood work, to see how I was doing. I was waiting to hear from the nurse at the doctor's office to tell me what my dosage will be for the near future and was anticipating having to make a call to the office to get the results, if they didn't come soon enough. And then I got a surprise...

Yesterday, late afternoon...5:30, to be exact...I got a phone call. It was my new doctor! She called me herself to give me the results* of my blood work and to discuss where we are going from here. She had my chart in front of her and we talked about what we'll need to discuss at my next appointment and what blood work I need to have done beforehand. I was absolutely gobsmacked! Rarely do doctors make their own calls, especially for something as routine as thyroid results, so I was very pleased. She was so very nice and pleasant...I think this is one doctor I will be able to work with! Fingers crossed... (She is young, so I hope she'll stay here for a good long while!)

*My numbers are still a little on the low end, so I need a bit of a lower dose. Instead of changing the dosage completely and dramatically, the doctor now has me on a full pill six days a week and a half pill one day. We'll make additional adjustments in October if there is a need...

Fatigue

When I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, it answered a lot of questions for me. Along with the psoriasis, the comorbidities certainly follow along with many of my health issues. While PsA shares a lot of the same symptoms as other forms of arthritis, one thing is more prevalent with PsA, and that's fatigue. Which I have...

I've suffered from different amounts of fatigue practically my entire life. My sleep habits have always been erratic...I never wanted to go to sleep and once I was sleeping, I never wanted to get up. This didn't work well when I was in school, or after having kids. So, fatigue was my constant companion.

It seems as if I 'do' resolutions several times a year. I vow to myself to get on the 'right' track and get better sleep/better nutrition/better exercise, etc. Once again, a few weeks ago I made my vow. While my nutrition didn't get THAT much better, I actually started to be a lot more active. I got my 'active minutes' done and got my 'daily steps' in for a couple of weeks. (Fitbit users will understand...😀) It felt good to have that accomplishment under my belt, but I found out that my knee joint wasn't too happy with me pushing things too far and too fast. It got to the point where I couldn't 'push through' the pain and I had to back things down. DAMN!!! Even my scheduled Cosentyx injection and the CBD oil weren't making things better, so I had to slow down the activity a lot. And I think I regressed...

For the past two weeks I have slowed down to a crawl, in terms of my activities. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and move from one room to the next, and that's about it. And the fatigue has set in with a vengeance. This past week, I have slept almost as much as I have been awake...and I still don't have trouble falling asleep when I get comfortable. UGH!

So, what has all of this done for me? Well, for one thing, most of the time I feel as if I'm in a sleep fog...my brain feels heavy, my eyes burn and don't 'feel right,' and my body is achier than usual. Fun times. I'm thinking I'm having a flare and this episode of extreme fatigue will pass, as has happened at other times. I have to believe.

Having health issues is one thing when you have someone with you at all times, but when you are alone, it can be very scary. I'm doing okay here by myself, but only because the house is on one level. I go into the basement when I need to and no more often than that. I had so many plans for the basement, but at this point, they are being put on hold. I wanted to put a sauna down there and set up a craft/sewing room and set up an exercise room, but that isn't happening any time soon. It's enough that my long-term pantry is down there and that the overflow from my kitchen cabinets is there...that is why I have to go down those steps as often as I do. But, I don't go down there voluntarily, as often I thought I was going to. And as the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." And life goes on...