Ennui

I have had three bouts with depression that I needed 'help' with. Two times I had post-partum depression and once I was quite bad when everything went to hell-in-a-hand-basket with The Family. I have taken anti-depressants and I have seen therapists. The drugs worked okay, I guess. I have seen three different therapists and only one was worth what he was paid. So, my experience with mental health care has been mixed.

Over the years, I have pondered the depression issue. The Mother had it, The Brother has/had it, at least one of my daughters have had it...I guess you can say it runs in the family. Mine has never been so bad that anyone questioned whether I needed to be hospitalized, but no one really has ever known just how bad my depression has been.

I believe I have had chronic depression for most of my life...or maybe a case of ennui. Who knows? I do know I have felt 'empty' a lot of the time. That would be the closest way I can come to describing a good portion of my life. I have neither been happy or sad, just have existed. Even after The Husband died, I haven't really fallen into the depths of depression that I probably/possibly should have...I've just felt empty and experience a sense of 'ennui.'

Now, this isn't really as bad as it may sound. I could also describe a good portion of my life as comfortable. While I may not have had a lot of excitement and extreme passion, I have been content. There is a fine line between being comfortable/content and 'ennui.' If you're comfortable/content, you are satisfied with how things are. If you are experiencing ennui, you want more. And maybe that's just what it is for me:  Comfortable and content...satisfied. Maybe I don't have chronic depression after all. Something to ponder...

RIP...And The Important Word Is PEACE

I read the obituaries every day. Actually, I read two sets of obits...the ones where I live now and the ones from my hometown. I have to read the ones from back home, as there is no one to let me know if anyone I am acquainted with has passed. Sadly, I fully expect to READ a relative's name before being TOLD by a family member, first. This is one of the first activities I do after turning on the computer every day.

When reading the obits, I focus on a couple of things: Age and cause of death. Obviously, as one gets older, the age someone dies becomes more relevant. And the cause of death hits close to home, especially after The Husband's passing. And this makes me ponder...

So many people die because of cancer. So many obits mention a person's 'courageous battle' against this horrible disease. And I really can't relate, as The Husband went so quickly after his diagnosis. There was nothing we could do to 'fight' the cancer...it was too far along and he had too many other health issues. And, God forgive me, I think I am grateful.

Before anyone thinks too poorly about me, let me explain. First, after his diagnosis, he was hospitalized rather quickly. He was coming up on the completion of his second year of dialysis and things were not going as well as they should have. His access sites were not cooperating...he was in and out of the hospital having his chest wall graft 'fixed' far too many times and he was trying to heal from having a perma-cath placed, once again. The last day of dialysis at the dialysis center, found him having to be sent to the hospital because his blood pressure had bottomed out, once again. This was an on-going problem for the last days of his life and he didn't get a full dialysis treatment for over a week before he passed. I do believe this hastened his death. How much the cancer had to do with any of this, who knows.

I know--to a certain degree--what some people go through while in cancer treatment. I cannot imagine how difficult life would have been for us if he had started chemo. With two very serious illnesses, one would constantly be interfering with the other. He would have had to do dialysis right before chemo so that the dialysis wouldn't clear all of the drugs from his system before they could actually DO anything for the cancer...and then he would have to go and have his blood 'cleaned,' again. So, there would have been no rest for him, at all, as he was having dialysis three times a week. The week he was home between the diagnosis and his being sent to the hospital, was extremely depressing for us both. He was used to being able to go out-and-about whenever he wanted and having the weakness that he did was very hard on him. I don't know how much he could have taken...or WOULD have. I think there would have been a time when he would have just stopped treatment altogether; I remember when he started dialysis and he talked about people who quit, and he said he understood.

I have to keep myself from feeling guilty...I know that I helped hasten his death with decisions I made. At the end, he was not coherent enough to make any medical decisions and I had to use my power of attorney to decide what was to be done. I finally had to say 'enough.' Just before he was sent to hospice care, his perma-cath was removed...this meant no more dialysis. This also meant only--at most--two more weeks of life. As he was so weak, he passed in less than 24 hours, peacefully. I HAVE to keep telling myself that I did what was best for him. Thankfully, The Daughters were on board with all decisions and we made them together.

We all make choices every day...some are easier than others. Not everyone has to decide when someone is to live or die, thankfully. It is something that isn't forgotten...

More On Being Alone...The Parent Dilemma

The Mother passed about a year and a half ago. I don't know if I ever thought she would go first and I didn't think she would go at the age of 80...just seemed too soon. However, as I told many people, she really hadn't been herself for a couple of years, so she 'left' some time before her death. It really hurt that we weren't able to get back to being as close as I would have liked after our estrangement, but, life goes on. Her and The Father had just celebrated their 64th anniversary.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that The Father was having some medical issues. These 'spells' he was having were similar to what he was experiencing before it was determined that he needed a pacemaker, which he had done a few months back. Things seemed to be going well and then this...

He has been through a battery of tests and emergency room visits and appointments with his primary care doctor, all with the conclusion of "we can't find anything wrong." Yet, he still insists 'something' isn't right. The Oldest Daughter and one of my nieces said that they think he has 'given up' and has lost his zest for life. Very possible.

There are two things that could be happening here and I completely understand both. First, I think it is next to impossible to get the medical community to understand what you are going through...especially as one ages. I know that I can't explain my aches and pains in a way that doctors have been taught to understand. The terminology, for one, is so different between 'medical-ese' and 'normal' language, that it is next to impossible for one group to understand the other. While The Father is far from stupid, he still doesn't have the command of the language that someone else might have. He doesn't use the internet, at all, and really doesn't venture outside of his comfort zone when it comes to reading or what he watches on TV, so he probably isn't communicating in a great fashion. But even though I think I might have a better command of the language than he does, I find that I can't make myself understood either. And the way I explain this is here:  Think of the 'pain chart' with the emojis that you see in a medical setting or the pain scale of 1-10 in how much pain you're in. Do either one of these really represent what you are going through? And what if the pain you are feeling is intermittent? And what if what you are feeling is in no way a 'textbook' response to what a doctor might expect? (I don't have textbook symptoms with a lot of my medical issues, so what do they do with me?) It is very difficult to talk to some doctors and until they are given a lot of instruction about dealing with older people, I don't know that things will improve.

The second thing that could be going on is that he possibly is 'giving up.' And I so understand this. Feeling as if there really is nothing more to live for, isn't a death wish...it isn't a suicidal tendency. When your soulmate...The Father's of 64 years, mine of 45 years...is gone, especially when you are retired and 'left alone,' there really feels as if there is nothing left for you. You can keep yourself busy and do things, you can be with people and be happy with them, but it isn't the same. You have thought of yourself as 'we' for the majority of your life and now it is a non-existent thing. You really wonder what your worth is and if you even want to put forth effort to find out if there is any worth left in your life. Everyone else's life continues as normal for them (which it absolutely SHOULD) but your life is irreparably altered. And this is something NO ONE can understand until they have gone through it themselves. So, if he is feeling as if he wants to give up, I understand.

Now, for a solution to The Father's issues...  I don't know what to say about the medical thing. He is very opposed to anyone talking to a doctor on his behalf...and I'm not sure it would do much good anyway...especially if it is a communication issue. He doesn't feel as if it is anyone else's business what goes on at the doctor's office and this is something that we can't do anything about. (If you ever heard that Finn's are stubborn, then you KNOW what dealing with The Father is like.) So, until something is measurably wrong with him, he will continue to 'not feel well.' As for the being alone thing...if he could be talked into going into a senior citizen apartment complex/facility, I think he would have many, many happy years ahead of him. The activities and people would keep him busy and he would have someone around at all times so that he wouldn't/couldn't wallow in any self pity. BUT, this would have to be suggested in a way that he thought it was his own idea..not something that is an easy thing to do. So, until The Family can come up with a solution, this is life as we know it...at least, for now.


***Before anyone gets worried, I am NOT suicidal or wanting to die! It hasn't even been a year for me, so I still am trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I still grieve and I still wallow...it is a process, one I am dealing with. One, three, or five years from now, I may look back at this post and wonder how I could have felt this way...one never knows. I live one day at a time for now, and that is more than I could hope for.

Bitter Pills

This is not going to be a feel good post. I just want to warn any readers ahead of time.  

Recently, there have been several stories in the news that have put me in a not-so-good state of mind. I HATE feeling this way...I am not a hateful person...I am not a jealous person...I am not ugly.

Alec Trebec, a somebody with lots of money, age 79, has been treated for pancreatic cancer, and is doing very well, might even be cured. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a somebody with money, age 86, has been treated for pancreatic cancer for the second time, and is doing very well, might even be cured. My husband, a regular person with not much money, age 64, died from pancreatic cancer that had metastasized, and no one really went out of their way to try and cure him. To say I'm a bit pissed, is putting it mildly.

I won't say that my husband's care was sub par. He had other issues, along with the cancer, but I can't help but feel as if he would have had more aggressive treatment if we were 'somebodies' with a lot of money. Instead, he lingered for two weeks in the hospital with the doctors, basically, doing everything BUT work on the cancer. If I let myself, I could be very, very bitter.

It also hurts to see people so very much older than my husband, getting the aggressive care he didn't get. AND it isn't as if at least one of the two people I mentioned is in peak health...Ginsburg has pretty much been at death's door a few times and she's gotten top health care to pull her through. It hurts.

I probably could have gotten through the 'cured' stories if I wouldn't have seen the story* about kidney transplant studies that just came out. The study says that ten people, who have been offered a kidney for transplant and didn't get it, die every day here in the US. The bottom line from the study is that transplant centers are too choosy about accepting kidneys and will refuse donated ones because they aren't 'perfect.' And so, people die before getting transplants. I can't help but wonder if, and how many, kidneys my husband COULD HAVE had, but they were turned down by the transplant center. If he had been transplanted, he quite possibly could have lived a very full, non-dialysis life for three years...instead of what he went through. And could his cancer have been caught early enough to be treated? There are so many 'what ifs'...

These are dark thoughts...something I have to get through. I will wallow for a bit and then let it go. Sometimes you HAVE to wallow and be bitter, just so you can work through the emotions...it can be a big part of healing. I will work through this and come out the other end and be in a better place. My faith won't let me think I know better than God as to how things were to work out...I know He has/had a reason for things to go the way they did. I just wish He would let me in on the secret...

*Here is a link to the story about the transplants: https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/917499#vp_1

Trying to be Politically Savvy

It is a constant source of annoyance to have people post political stories that are either partially the truth or outright lies. And whether it is a good or bad thing that is posted, it ALWAYS depends on who they like/dislike politically. And I am seeing this from BOTH sides of the political debate.

I don't watch the news and haven't for about ten years or so. It got too difficult to see how stories were formed in a way to advance or destroy a political agenda. I want the NEWS, NOT an opinion piece...unless I'm looking to read an opinion piece. And that's where I still am, today.

Some might wonder how I stay informed if I don't watch the news. Well, I have a computer. The first thing that comes into my inbox every day are news headlines...from THREE different sources. I get headlines from the 'right,' the 'left,' and from the (relatively) 'neutral.' If a story is interesting enough, I go online and read it. If two sources have headlines that are completely the opposite of each other, I go online to read the story. It is surprisingly easy to find 'the rest of the story' if one is so inclined. I know, I know...who would have thunk it, right?

I am completely amazed at how people, who I thought were reasonably intelligent, allow themselves to be blinded by their political agenda. I don't know what the solution to this is--if there even IS one--but it doesn't look well for this country if things continue in this manner. We are in a world of hurt if things don't change soon. I'm not holding my breath waiting...

I Hate Political Correctness

Very rarely will you find me reading the 'advice' columns, ala 'Ann Landers.'  Once they were a regular part of my newspaper-reading experience, but quickly fell into disfavor with me when the answers given began to be more 'all-inclusive' rather than 'morally, socially correct.'  It seems as if these advice columns were politically correct even before the term became common.  And I find that they are absolutely unreadable today.  The advice given is usually what 'should' be done in a 'perfect' world--something that does not exist in reality.  Anyone could be an advice columnist these days--all you have to do is open a copy of "Political Correctness for Dummies" and use it to guide your answers.  You certainly don't find the "Wake up and smell the coffee." advice of years gone by.

For one reason or another--not that I can remember why--I found myself reading 'Dear Prudence' on Slate one day a few weeks ago.  And I read a letter and answer that absolutely astonished me.  I believe this is political correctness gone WAY too far.  I will post the entire thing here:

Dear Prudie,
I have a fifth-grade son who is white and plays basketball on a mostly black team. He has made friends with many of his black teammates and hangs out with them a lot. I’m happy that he's so colorblind, but then I heard him call his new friends "my niggas." I was horrified and immediately talked to him about it. He said that his black friends use the term all the time and told him it was OK for him to use it with them, too. He said that he understood the history of the word and knows that it can be hateful when used wrongly. My son clearly isn't intolerant, but he could get in a lot of trouble throwing that word around. I don't even know if it’s OK for a white kid with black friends to use that word if they all do, and no one means it in a bad way. I usually feel confident guiding my son, but on this one I have no idea what to tell him.

—Stumped

Dear Stumped,
If only our 10-year-olds could stay so innocently well-intentioned. Unfortunately, even though you’ve had one conversation about this, and your son knows some of the history of this word, you have to revisit this so that your boy doesn’t find himself the subject of a complaint and the object lesson in a lecture at a school assembly. Perhaps when he was tiny you had some comic, endearing names for your son such as Mr. Stinkbottom or Sir Droolsalot. (If not, pretend you did.) You can tell him that within families people can call each other things that might be insulting if said to an outsider, but among relatives it’s done with a tone of teasing affection. That’s what’s going on with his friends on the team. Yes, the whole team is a kind of family, but for many people their ethnic or racial group also has the feel of a family. Because of that, there are things that the black players can call each other but which sound very different coming from his mouth. You can say you know his teammates have encouraged him to say it, but if a teacher, parent, or coach heard him, it’s likely that person wouldn’t understand. It’s possible that a parent of his teammate could be offended and report his remark, no matter how affectionately it was said. Say you know this doesn’t seem fair, but the history of this word still has the power to cause great pain. So as a sign of respect to those who might be hurt by it, he needs to understand that his friends can use the phrase with him, but he must refrain from returning it.    

—Prudie

I understand the reasoning behind telling the kid to stop using 'that' word, but how sad is that he has to be frightened for his safety when he's done/doing nothing wrong?  I can't help but think of a foster/adopted family situation where there might be kids of different races NOT being allowed to tease each other or use 'improper' words while talking to each other.  Things are just getting so out of control!

This reminds me so much of the problem we had with our local high school's logo/mascot/nickname a few years ago. The logo is a Native American in full headdress and the nickname is 'Redmen.'  (The nickname has NOTHING to do with Native Americans--it is in reference to the color of iron ore that is mined in our county and the fact that the miners were 'red' after a long day's work.)  As in so many other communities, the usage of a Native American as a logo upset some people.  There was a drive to get the high school to abandon the logo and nickname and it divided our community and caused long-term bad feelings amongst many.  My youngest was in school at the time, so we watched this very closely--the meetings were even broadcast on our cable system for those who couldn't attend.  When it was finally all done, the logo/mascot/nickname remained the same, despite the efforts of a certain group of people--and I believe the community is happy with the results to this day.

So, how did we manage to keep a politically INcorrect logo for our school?  I believe it boiled down to one thing:  the people/group who were opposed to it in the first place.  As it turned out, the people who were 'hurt' by this were part of the university community and NOT natives to our town /county/community.  Someone decided that this was disrespectful and got a bunch of PC supporters to make a protest about how horrible this entire thing was.  This, in turn, got the school board to run scared and decide that 'something had to be done about this atrocity!'  Funny thing is, very few of the locals--which includes a large group of Native Americans--had ANY problem with the logo, whatsoever!  So, a problem that WASN'T a problem, became a problem and was solved through a lot of unnecessary fighting, yelling, and tears.  How sad.

How did we get to this point in this country?  When did EVERY community have to be exactly like every other community and have to think and do things the same way?  What made this country so exciting and vital was the fact that anywhere you went would be an adventure--you could find something you were unfamiliar with and learn something new.  It seems as if we are slowly being forced into a homogeneous blend of absolute mediocrity--NO segment can be any more colorful/interesting than any other segment of society.  And some people won't be satisfied until there are actually NO differences among us.  Again, how sad.

"Just Sayin'..."

The other day, one of my Facebook 'friends' posted a bunch of videos from a drag show she had attended.  She also posted this:

"If you do not like the videos I am posting, PLEASE keep ur comments to yourself, these are friends of mine!  Just Sayin'...thanks!"  

AND:

"...if someone is thinking about it, they better stop before they even do, cuz if ur gonna bash 'em, that is bullying & cause for me to delete ur a$$ for being ignorant!" 

This got under my collar a bit and I was getting ready to send her an email in response, but decided against--she is a family member, so I didn't want to start a war.  ;)  Instead, I will post my thoughts here for all to see.


An Open Letter To The Internet

Dear Interwebs User/s,

There is NOTHING you can put online that will keep everyone happy.  Everything you post will have at least one person disagreeing with you.  (Hell, I can think of two or three people that I know who would argue with me if I said "The sky is blue."!!!!!)  And then you go and post something provocative and expect NOTHING to be said.  What the hell century were you born in?!?!?!  You are just looking for a fight, right?  And just because you add "PLEASE keep your comments to yourself..." etc, doesn't mean you won't hear things you don't want.  Right, wrong, or otherwise, not everyone will agree with you on everything, nor will everyone like the same things you do.  And you KNOW this, otherwise you wouldn't have written any 'warnings' to detractors.  If you don't want to hear anyone else's opinions about things, then STFU!!

I would like to ask, once and for all, WHY someone not agreeing with you is bullying and not to be allowed?  YOU are stating your opinion, so why can't someone with an opposing viewpoint state THEIR opinion without getting bashed for it?  We do have the right of free speech--for the time being, anyway.  Aren't YOU, in turn, doing the same bullying that you accuse others of?  I really don't understand this mindset.  I have quite a few friends/acquaintances who do NOT share my beliefs on a number of very serious topics.  I try not to step on their toes, as I am sure they try not to step on mine.  (And we DEFINITELY don't call each other 'ignorant'--even if we think that's the case!)  We have an understanding--spoken or not--where we will agree to disagree on certain subjects and not discuss them.  Case closed, problem solved.

However, when and if I DO post on a sensitive issue, I expect to have disagreements--or, at the very least, comments from those who oppose my beliefs.  And that is fine--otherwise, *I* would keep my thoughts to myself.  I still believe all are entitled to express their own opinions, despite the fact I may get angry with said opinion.  If I didn't want to hear opposing views, I would stay quiet.  And then I wouldn't have to issue any 'warnings.'

So, grow up already.  It is not cool to try and provoke people into fights.  If you want drama in your life, I'm sure there are other ways of getting it--but you probably are a wuss and don't want to have any kind of confrontation in person.

And believe it or not, if you read this carefully, it can apply to ANYONE, no matter WHICH side of the liberal/conservative line you happen to fall.

"Just Sayin'..."

As always,
ME

Love and Forgiveness

In 1970, the movie 'Love Story' came out and it brought to the world one of the most famous taglines ever:  "Love means never having to say you're sorry."  In our minds, that was one of the most profound and wonderful things that we had ever heard.  Considering we were probably sobbing so hard that our brains were muddled or we were on an acid trip and EVERYTHING seemed wonderful, I can forgive everyone for thinking this.  However, through the years I have come to realize that the statement is just so much bullshit--sounds good and means absolutely nothing.  (Kind of like politicians...)

Let's look at this a little further.  Forgiveness is pretty much part of the foundation of civilization.  We do something wrong--big OR small--and we are expected to feel remorse and ask for forgiveness from the person/people we wronged.  We see this in our courts and we see this on television and we read this in print.  Entire crime/law shows are written just so we can see the criminal allocute in court--and the criminal usually gets a lighter sentence for confessing, feeling remorse, and saying "I'm sorry."  How often have we seen politicians or celebrities take to the airwaves and apologize for saying or doing something the rest of the world sees as wrong?  And then the person usually goes off and continues with his/her career as if s/he did nothing wrong whatsoever--and we allow it because of the "I'm sorry."  (The Chris Brown 'incident/s' come to mind, however, I'm not 100% sure he ever used the words "I'm sorry.")

How often have we been wronged personally?  When our child lashes out at the age of three and slaps us, we INSIST on an apology and a promise to never hit again.  How many more divorces would there be if a spouse never apologized for wrong behavior?  Anything from leaving the wet towels in the middle of the bathroom floor to an affair can be rectified by a heartfelt "I'm sorry and will never do it again."  So, where does the statement "Love means never having to say your sorry." fit into anyone's concept of a loving relationship?

Therapists tell us--and clergy people, as well--that we CAN move forward if someone doesn't apologize for wronging us--we just need to forgive and move on.  This is something I have tried to do with The Family, and while I haven't been able to as of yet, I'm working on it.  To forgive a person's bad behavior when s/he doesn't think s/he did anything wrong takes a very strong person.  (I haven't become that strong, yet.)  We always like to have our feelings validated, that we were hurt in some way--and when the person doing the hurting doesn't see this, it minimalizes our feelings and shows just how little the wrongful person feels for us.  Causing hurt and pain to another person DEMANDS an apology and when that doesn't happen, how can a relationship continue in a loving way?  Instead of "Love means never having to say you're sorry" it should read "Love is saying you're sorry--and MEANING it."