More On Being Alone...The Parent Dilemma

The Mother passed about a year and a half ago. I don't know if I ever thought she would go first and I didn't think she would go at the age of 80...just seemed too soon. However, as I told many people, she really hadn't been herself for a couple of years, so she 'left' some time before her death. It really hurt that we weren't able to get back to being as close as I would have liked after our estrangement, but, life goes on. Her and The Father had just celebrated their 64th anniversary.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that The Father was having some medical issues. These 'spells' he was having were similar to what he was experiencing before it was determined that he needed a pacemaker, which he had done a few months back. Things seemed to be going well and then this...

He has been through a battery of tests and emergency room visits and appointments with his primary care doctor, all with the conclusion of "we can't find anything wrong." Yet, he still insists 'something' isn't right. The Oldest Daughter and one of my nieces said that they think he has 'given up' and has lost his zest for life. Very possible.

There are two things that could be happening here and I completely understand both. First, I think it is next to impossible to get the medical community to understand what you are going through...especially as one ages. I know that I can't explain my aches and pains in a way that doctors have been taught to understand. The terminology, for one, is so different between 'medical-ese' and 'normal' language, that it is next to impossible for one group to understand the other. While The Father is far from stupid, he still doesn't have the command of the language that someone else might have. He doesn't use the internet, at all, and really doesn't venture outside of his comfort zone when it comes to reading or what he watches on TV, so he probably isn't communicating in a great fashion. But even though I think I might have a better command of the language than he does, I find that I can't make myself understood either. And the way I explain this is here:  Think of the 'pain chart' with the emojis that you see in a medical setting or the pain scale of 1-10 in how much pain you're in. Do either one of these really represent what you are going through? And what if the pain you are feeling is intermittent? And what if what you are feeling is in no way a 'textbook' response to what a doctor might expect? (I don't have textbook symptoms with a lot of my medical issues, so what do they do with me?) It is very difficult to talk to some doctors and until they are given a lot of instruction about dealing with older people, I don't know that things will improve.

The second thing that could be going on is that he possibly is 'giving up.' And I so understand this. Feeling as if there really is nothing more to live for, isn't a death wish...it isn't a suicidal tendency. When your soulmate...The Father's of 64 years, mine of 45 years...is gone, especially when you are retired and 'left alone,' there really feels as if there is nothing left for you. You can keep yourself busy and do things, you can be with people and be happy with them, but it isn't the same. You have thought of yourself as 'we' for the majority of your life and now it is a non-existent thing. You really wonder what your worth is and if you even want to put forth effort to find out if there is any worth left in your life. Everyone else's life continues as normal for them (which it absolutely SHOULD) but your life is irreparably altered. And this is something NO ONE can understand until they have gone through it themselves. So, if he is feeling as if he wants to give up, I understand.

Now, for a solution to The Father's issues...  I don't know what to say about the medical thing. He is very opposed to anyone talking to a doctor on his behalf...and I'm not sure it would do much good anyway...especially if it is a communication issue. He doesn't feel as if it is anyone else's business what goes on at the doctor's office and this is something that we can't do anything about. (If you ever heard that Finn's are stubborn, then you KNOW what dealing with The Father is like.) So, until something is measurably wrong with him, he will continue to 'not feel well.' As for the being alone thing...if he could be talked into going into a senior citizen apartment complex/facility, I think he would have many, many happy years ahead of him. The activities and people would keep him busy and he would have someone around at all times so that he wouldn't/couldn't wallow in any self pity. BUT, this would have to be suggested in a way that he thought it was his own idea..not something that is an easy thing to do. So, until The Family can come up with a solution, this is life as we know it...at least, for now.


***Before anyone gets worried, I am NOT suicidal or wanting to die! It hasn't even been a year for me, so I still am trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I still grieve and I still wallow...it is a process, one I am dealing with. One, three, or five years from now, I may look back at this post and wonder how I could have felt this way...one never knows. I live one day at a time for now, and that is more than I could hope for.

Alone Can Be Nice

While I have done a little lamenting about being alone, there really are some nice things about only having yourself to worry about.

Today, I had every intention of washing clothes. I got side tracked by other things and decided the wash could wait one more day. Now THAT'S something I can be happy about.

I also like the fact that I don't have to eat on a time schedule. If I want to eat my evening meal at 4:00 PM or at 10:00 PM, it is my choice. I find that I eat when I'm hungry, more often than by the clock. Wasn't always the case when The Husband was here. Also, if I decide to have soup and nothing else for an evening meal, so be it...I definitely don't need to have a four course meal.

If I feel like spending my entire day at the computer, I can do it. I also can spend some time there, walk away, do something else, and go back to the computer without having to worry that whatever I was working on would be a problem for another person. I like being able to leave the computer set at my profile and only having to sign out when I'm ready to close for the day.

It is nice to have several projects going at one time and move from task to task if I feel like it. When I have someone else around, I feel as if I should finish one thing before moving on to the next, but now I don't have to.

Also, if I leave something somewhere, it will still be there when I go to look for it. (If I can remember where I left it in the first place. 😁)

And sleep...I can sleep whenever, wherever, and however I want. It is a freedom that really can only come from living alone after retirement.

So, along with the negatives, there ARE some perks to being along...you just have to know where to find them.

Retired

Technically, I have been retired for almost three years. But, being a stay-at-home, retirement wasn't/isn't actually a 'thing' for me. The only thing different after retirement was I started getting a paycheck. That is nice, to finally get paid for the work that I do...now that I don't do any work. 😁

I remember telling The Husband that retirement for me wasn't ANYTHING like retirement for him. He left his job and never had to go back. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued my job, I just started to get paid for doing it! For those who always went out into the working world, this is a concept that is impossible to grasp...really.

After retiring...actually, as soon as The Husband retired...I began to 'take it easy.' I didn't cook meals as often as I once did, didn't clean the house as often, either. He did a lot of the grocery shopping and began to help with the cleaning. All of this WASN'T because I decided to quit doing things, though. It began to be more difficult for me to do physical things because of my PsA, so it was a wonderful thing that he could pick up the slack.

I have come to realize how much I relied on the help my husband gave me, both in recent years and in the past. I now have to drive myself most of the time.* If I can't/won't drive to a place, I have to wait until Friday when The Youngest has her day off. I tend to keep more of my pantry items in the kitchen cupboards than I like, just so I don't have to go down in the basement. And 'cleaning DAY' has turned into multiple days. All part of getting older, but I was just getting used to the 'new normal' when The Husband died. ANOTHER thing I have to get used to!

But, back to retirement. We retired early so we could live life. A good sentiment, but it didn't work out that way. The first year took up the building of the house and getting settled. The second year continued with the house, but now it took on the added aspect of taking care of The Husband's health. The third and fourth years were all about dialysis and trips to the hospital to keep his dialysis access points accessible. NOT what we had in mind when he retired.

Early retirement had never been part of the plan for us. But, a couple of things changed. First, the power plant where The Husband worked, became a part of the 'get rid of all coal fired plants' agenda. Every few weeks, there was more news as to what and when things were going to change/happen. It got to where he didn't know how much longer he actually was going to HAVE a job, so it was very stressful...not something you want to face on a daily basis. And then the second reason turned out to be quite ironic...

The Husband's niece, who was only two years younger than us, passed away. That was the day he decided to turn in his retirement papers. He wanted to be able to enjoy retirement and not have to face the health issues she did. A good idea, but it turned out that he didn't have the chance to fully enjoy his retirement because of HIS health issues. I don't like to do the 'Why?' thing, but it does cross my mind sometimes. I don't understand why he couldn't have had a few years for travel and pure enjoyment, but it wasn't to be. And I always will be sad that he couldn't have that small thing before he passed.

I face my 'golden years' alone...another thing that I never thought was going to happen. Retirement...not what I was expecting.

*I never enjoyed driving, even when I was younger. It was a necessity and that was it. I pretty much quit driving when The Husband retired...he loved to drive and would bring me wherever I needed to go and I appreciated it so much! I am re-learning how to drive around our town with all of the changes, but I'm not too sure I will fight it when I finally have to quit. 😊

Fatigue

When I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, it answered a lot of questions for me. Along with the psoriasis, the comorbidities certainly follow along with many of my health issues. While PsA shares a lot of the same symptoms as other forms of arthritis, one thing is more prevalent with PsA, and that's fatigue. Which I have...

I've suffered from different amounts of fatigue practically my entire life. My sleep habits have always been erratic...I never wanted to go to sleep and once I was sleeping, I never wanted to get up. This didn't work well when I was in school, or after having kids. So, fatigue was my constant companion.

It seems as if I 'do' resolutions several times a year. I vow to myself to get on the 'right' track and get better sleep/better nutrition/better exercise, etc. Once again, a few weeks ago I made my vow. While my nutrition didn't get THAT much better, I actually started to be a lot more active. I got my 'active minutes' done and got my 'daily steps' in for a couple of weeks. (Fitbit users will understand...😀) It felt good to have that accomplishment under my belt, but I found out that my knee joint wasn't too happy with me pushing things too far and too fast. It got to the point where I couldn't 'push through' the pain and I had to back things down. DAMN!!! Even my scheduled Cosentyx injection and the CBD oil weren't making things better, so I had to slow down the activity a lot. And I think I regressed...

For the past two weeks I have slowed down to a crawl, in terms of my activities. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and move from one room to the next, and that's about it. And the fatigue has set in with a vengeance. This past week, I have slept almost as much as I have been awake...and I still don't have trouble falling asleep when I get comfortable. UGH!

So, what has all of this done for me? Well, for one thing, most of the time I feel as if I'm in a sleep fog...my brain feels heavy, my eyes burn and don't 'feel right,' and my body is achier than usual. Fun times. I'm thinking I'm having a flare and this episode of extreme fatigue will pass, as has happened at other times. I have to believe.

Having health issues is one thing when you have someone with you at all times, but when you are alone, it can be very scary. I'm doing okay here by myself, but only because the house is on one level. I go into the basement when I need to and no more often than that. I had so many plans for the basement, but at this point, they are being put on hold. I wanted to put a sauna down there and set up a craft/sewing room and set up an exercise room, but that isn't happening any time soon. It's enough that my long-term pantry is down there and that the overflow from my kitchen cabinets is there...that is why I have to go down those steps as often as I do. But, I don't go down there voluntarily, as often I thought I was going to. And as the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." And life goes on...

Round and Round and Round She Goes

Traffic in this town has always been a bit sketchy. Summer brings tourists who haven't a clue as to how to drive on non-interstate/freeway roads. WE know how to drive in our towns and even though it might not be a familiar thing to city folks. And then we get the college students in the fall...better NOT dwell on their driving. Just as they are getting used to how to drive here, the snow starts falling and we are faced with a whole other set of problems. The students have to learn how to drive in the snow and the locals have to remember that snow covered roads can be dangerous! If one can, it is best to stay at home after the first couple of snowfalls, until everyone is used to driving in the snow. 😄

One of the biggest issues in our town, when it comes to traffic, is how to keeps things moving smoothly and safely. The north/south high-traffic corridors run through, mainly, residential areas, so there are numerous cross streets. This means there need to be stop signs, usually for the traffic coming onto the busier road. So, stop signs were put up. That didn't solve whatever issue was present, so MORE stop signs were placed and we had A LOT of four-way stops. When THAT didn't solve problems, then traffic lights were installed and some intersections even got left turn signals. We'll, the powers-that-be decided this wasn't going to work, either...

About five years ago, it was decided to put in a roundabout where the bypass connects the road that leads out of town and the downtown area. What was there was a little bit of a mess, but it was OUR mess and we were used to it. The roundabout actually is too small for this area...the snowplow drivers and big rig drivers are not happy, but it stays. And what do the officials decide to do then? Why build MORE roundabouts, that's what! We now have (or will have...construction is ongoing) somewhere around ten roundabouts (give or take a couple) in the greater area. There are at least two on the highway right in front of the new hospital (and to make it even better, there is one in the parking lot!) and they are constructing two (three?) on the business corridor coming into town. For good measure, there are three or more scattered throughout the town. Fun times!!! I don't particularly LIKE to drive, so having to learn something so foreign at this late date is not what I look forward to. ACK!

Today, I decided to conquer the roundabouts! I had business to take care of around town and decided to do it on my own, instead of relying on The Youngest. To get where I was going, quickly and easily, required me to go through THREE roundabouts...and I DID IT! I may be proud of myself (which I am) but it doesn't mean that I will be zipping through these things on a regular basis. I will continue to try and find the easiest, least traffic-laden route to get to where I'm going, even if it means a longer trip. But, I now know I can do the roundabouts if I really must. A nice, feel-good accomplishment.

More Transitions...

We all, throughout our lives, have fleeting moments when we think "What if...?" Not that we dwell on these things, but thoughts do cross our minds. As we go through life with our mates, we can think in terms of:  What if there is an affair; What if we divorce; What if there is a death?

After The Mother died and with The Husband's health issues, it did cross my mind that I may be left a widow. I ALWAYS shook off those thoughts, because frankly, I thought I would go first. (I never thought I could handle being alone.) Imagining myself alone was murky...I couldn't really get a handle on how it would work. One thing I never could imagine is what my being a widow would be like with my relationships with other people.

We didn't have a lot of close friends. With his work schedule, it was very difficult to get together with people that had 'normal' jobs. There were three couples that we socialized with on a semi-regular basis. One was a couple from our church. THAT didn't last all that many years, as he divorced her and 'we' didn't socialize with her and her (now) long-term companion. She and I are still BFFs. The second couple was made up of a guy we went to school with and a woman who came to be one of my BFFs. And the third couple consists of my husband's best friend from the Navy and a woman I grew up with, graduated with, and had as my maid-of-honor. She is still my dearest BFF. These are dear friends that will be there for me, I know, but the relationship has changed.

Consider being in a roomful of married couples...and you are a widow. No one treats you any differently from how they have ever treated you, but you don't feel the same. You can see everyone else has another person to stand beside, to go home with, to talk to, to be with. You are alone. Completely and utterly alone, in every sense of the word. You KNOW your children are there for you, your closest friends are there for you, but it is still going to be you by yourself when everyone else is gone.*

The first time you get this sense of COMPLETE aloneness is shortly after the funeral. For some days, you will have people call or stop in, just to see how you're doing. And gradually, everyone else gets back to their lives, which they SHOULD do. But that is when you know what loneliness is. You find that you can go days without talking to another person or hearing another voice other than what is on the TV or radio or computer. You may still interact with others via social media, but it isn't the same. It is part of your new way of living.

And then there is the flip side of the coin: For days you don't WANT anyone to contact you, to 'make sure you're fine,' to worry about you. You want to be self sufficient, whatever that means. You almost hunger for the loneliness as a penance for being the one who lived, when the other embraced life so much more than you did. Why were YOU spared when your spouse was the one who "loved his life."

As I write these posts, I know this is just me venting my feelings. This is what would be said if I was in therapy, which I don't need. This is NOT depression, just things that need to get out. Writing is my outlet, always has been, so I've decided to start blogging again, at least for the near future. Will I continue when I have let go of all I need to? Who knows? But for now, this is what is needed in my life...


*I in NO WAY fault my children or friends for not contacting me every day. That is NOT how these things work. Everyone needs to have their own lives and I need to get on with mine, by myself. This is the way it has been done, is being done, and will be done...

Signs...

I have posted often about the wildlife I enjoy watching here. My house is smack dab in the middle of our little city, but it feels very much like I'm in a much more rural area. The house is at the end of a dead end street which is next to a bike path that goes through a woodsy part of town. A lot of very old trees are in the neighborhood and thanks to neighbors who put out food every day, we get a lot of wild animals. The good: birds of ALL kinds, whitetail deer, grey squirrels. The middle-of-the-road good: red fox, raccoons. The not-so good: chipmunks, black bear, coyotes, skunks. I've learned to live with all of them, from the 'we will eat ALL of what you plant' to the 'watch out when you go out at night' critters, and delight in having them around.

Quite a number of years ago, I first saw a pair of cardinals at the feeders. The offspring (I don't think the original pair has lived THIS long 😉) continue to come to the feeders and brighten up the backyard, especially during the winter months. After building this house, it took some time for the birds to trust enough to come back to the feeders and the last of the birds to come were the cardinals. Every time they showed up was a welcome sight.

The dead of winter is not necessarily the most joyful time. Last year, weather wise, was extremely difficult. Snow, snow, snow, and more snow left me wondering WHAT to do about the house: Do I have someone come and shovel the snow off of the roof? Is it okay to leave that much on the roof? These were decisions I NEVER had to make on my own...The Husband ALWAYS took care of the house/outdoor work, so I just wallowed in my ignorance. Now, it was all up to me...

The Husband's birthday was on 4 January...just two weeks after his death. I sat at the table and watched the feeders that were placed near the deck. It wasn't a happy day for me...I was feeling very much alone and very sad. I missed my husband, terribly. I didn't know if I could make it on my own and didn't know if I WANTED to. And then, for the first time that winter, a cardinal came to the feeder. He sat and ate for some time and I KNEW it was a sign, telling me everything will be okay. So many feels from such a simple thing!

Last week I had to do some more on-my-own-adulting...didn't want to, HAD to. With last winter being as bad as it was, the (NOT GREAT) solution to where the sump pump drained, proved beyond a doubt that something needed to be done. I finally had to get someone over to give me an estimate on how to fix the problem...and (not surprisingly) the fix was what I wanted done in the first place. (I won't place the blame at ANYONE'S feet for the oopsy. 😁) While home repairs are a pain, having to pay big bucks on a brand new house is even a bigger annoyance. Something DOES need to be done and I had to make a decision before we start getting snow...which could be any day now. Just after the tech left the house after giving his proposal, I looked out of the window...there, sitting in the pouring rain, was a cardinal. I knew this was a sign that the decision I was about to make was the correct one. (I did also make another decision last week. I have decided to have gutters installed on the house...and I DIDN'T get the 'cardinal sign' that I made the right choice. Gutters on the house was one thing that The Husband and I disagreed on very, very much. Hopefully, I am right on this one. 😊)

So, to conclude this rambling and somewhat disjointed post: Comfort comes in many forms. We are not really alone if we are open to seeing what God will reveal to us. And things will get better...

Going From We To Me

In today's world, it isn't all that unusual for a person to be part of a 'couple' one day and be 'alone' the next. That's just the way things are. But for me, going from 'we' to 'me' has been quite an experience. I was married for 45 years and then The Husband died. And it pretty much was THAT quickly...

The Husband had been diagnosed with his kidney disease almost 15 years ago. We found out in 2015 that the disease was no longer stable and that dialysis and/or kidney transplant was coming sooner rather than later. For two years, he did his three-times-a-week dialysis...and he did very well. Except for the crap kidneys, he was quite healthy. We had every hope that he would get a new kidney in the near future. Then things changed...

About a year ago, he just wasn't himself, and things got worse from there. We all thought he was just having more symptoms of his kidney disease until he said "Enough!" and went to his PCP to be checked out. After some testing, it was determined that he had a bad gallbladder and needed surgery. The trouble is, the day of the surgery, his blood work showed that there was more going on. He was in the hospital the last week of November and came home with a diagnosis of liver cancer that had metastasized from the pancreas. We were in a state of shock!

The Husband was home for about 10 days and wound up back in the hospital. Less than two weeks later, he died. Dying on 22 December didn't make for a very good Christmas last year, to say the least.

So, I went from 'we' to 'me', just like that. I am negotiating life as best I can. I have had to go back to being as independent as I had to be while The Girls were growing up. (With The Husband working shift work his entire career, I needed to do A LOT of independent thinking with raising the girls.) I'm eight months into this new way of life and it is becoming second nature to me...I think. I muddle on through the best I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There probably are more surprises in my future and I can only hope they are GOOD ones.

And Then The Cops Were Called...

One of the things that I hope(d) would happen with my getting a personal trainer is an end to some of my joint pain.  Carrying too much weight and not exercising enough is a recipe for aching joints--and I have had some aches and pains for many years.  I have a knee that has bothered me since high school and as I've gotten older, the rest of my joints have joined in to cause me discomfort.  And add to that my carpal tunnel and I am a bit of a mess.  But this is something that my trainer says can change.

We have been working on my knee(s) for some time now and there might be some improvement.  But, I have had problems for 40+ years, so it isn't going to get better in a short amount of time.  Also,  I haven't been consistent enough in what I need to be doing at home, so things aren't getting better fast enough.  Change is in my hands and I have to do what needs doing.

Last week I woke up to a carpal tunnel flair.  My thumb was causing me considerable pain and I told this to my trainer.  He has told me that there is no reason to even consider surgery--which I wouldn't until things got terribly bad--and that we can take care of the problem in the gym.  (And by what I do at home.  ;))  The gym is a proponent of something called trigger point therapy.  Here is a short description of this.  And if you want a bit more, you can go here for the Wikipedia article.  As far as I can understand, this is basically deep tissue/muscle massage to the nth degree.

Anyway, last Wednesday G started to go to work on my arm/wrist/thumb.  I could feel the easing of the tight muscle/s when he was working them.  (Of course, this is not 'permanent' and has to be done over and over until the muscle learns to work properly.)  One thing that I have learned at the gym is 'what you do on one side, you do on the other.'  After working on my right side, he went to work on the left arm.  And we found a couple of very tight, nasty muscles in that arm.  And he went to work.  And it hurt.  A lot.

Imagine, if you will, having a pea sized, hard-as-a-rock spot in one of your muscles.  (Okay, it could be bigger, it could be smaller.)  With trigger point therapy, this 'mass' is massaged out and pressure--a LOT of pressure--is put on it to help ease the tightness.  And it does work.  This is what went on with my arms last Wednesday.  And this is what my arms looked like later that night:

It's hard to believe, but my arms looked MUCH worse the next day.  As of today, the only bruising that is left is on my upper arms and that is fading fast.  I actually will be going to the gym in short sleeves on Wednesday.  :)

On Thursday, K had his session with our trainer.  K told G that, looking at my arms, ONE of them will be going to jail.  :D

Oh, my left arm is feeling much better.  My carpal tunnel is still bothering, but it is doing better, also.  And I am continuing to do what is needed at home.

Clothing Issues

When losing weight, there are obstacles to overcome.  One obstacle that isn't necessarily thought of right away is clothing and the need for new, smaller stuff as the weight comes off.  And add a gym membership to the mix and you need an entire new wardrobe!  I was anticipating one of the problems and not the second.

Through my years of gaining weight, I didn't always get rid of the clothes I no longer fit in.  This, of course, made one heck of a mess in the basement where I stored garbage bags of clothes.  It was always my intention to lose weight and wear the small(er) stuff again.  One day I realized something:  When I lost the weight, I wouldn't want to wear the old, out-dated clothing and would want to reward myself with new stuff. So, I got rid of bags of clothes.  Thankfully, I hadn't gotten around to throwing out the last few sizes that I put in the basement and am very happy to have things I can wear without spending a lot of money on new.  While I happen to be between sizes right now, I have found enough old clothes that I can make-do until I need to buy some more.

When I started at the gym, no one said anything about a dress code.  Obviously, you need to wear appropriate gym clothes--pants/capris/shorts, athletic shoes, and t-shirts--but beyond that, everyone is able to wear what they are comfortable with.  Starting out, I wore my over-sized t-shirts and wide-legged yoga capris.  I most definitely didn't make a fashion statement with my clothes, but I was comfortable.  It didn't take me long to realize that I needed to upgrade my gym wardrobe to a certain extent and so I bought myself form-fitting capris.  I still wore/wear t-shirts, but they are a smaller size than before.  I found out that my trainer would prefer me to wear clothes that are more fitted than roomy--this makes it easier for him to see the muscles I'm working.  But, as long as he doesn't mind the larger shirts, I'll be happy doing what I'm doing.  It will take me a long, long time--if ever--before I wear gym tank tops or anything else that is tighter on top.  I am too used to worrying about being comfortable in my clothes and I won't be going backwards any time soon.

I knew I needed to get some sports bras when I joined the gym.  Can anyone tell me HOW and WHERE to buy one that is comfortable-ish AND will keep 'the girls' where they belong without jiggling too much?*  I started out okay.  NOT great, just okay.  And then I lost enough weight that what I had became too big.  But I haven't lost enough to go down to a size that is manufactured.  (As I said, I'm between sizes right now.)  So, I find myself wearing a slightly too small sports bra while training.  The bras I have aren't uncomfortable once I have them on, but they do cause one problem that I'm not thrilled with:  I have a uni-boob.  No matter how much I stuff, move, jiggle, readjust my chesticle area, the girls always migrate into one single boob within minutes.  It is NOT a good look.  And if anything is a good incentive to continue losing weight, this is it!

For the time being, I only need to get myself a couple of more pairs of pants/capris (and I'm not counting the needed bras) and I will be set for quite some time.  I am having no trouble with t-shirts, as I have started to make over some of my big ones and now I can wear them!  Giving a second life to stuff I already own is great--and it is saving me a whole lot of money.  I really am looking forward to the summer when I will have to buy a LOT of clothes.  (Hopefully.)  It will be fun to shop again when I can be assured of finding clothes that I actually can fit into.


*I'm sure I could find a bra easily if I wanted to spend $60+, but I'm anticipating going down quite a few more sizes and can't justify the cost for the short amount of time I would wear them.

I Should Know Better...

Every year, like clockwork, I breathe a sigh of relief on the day I go for my annual physical, because IT IS DONE.  And every year, as I walk out of the doctor's office, a little voice laughs in my ear and says, "SUCKER!"  Today was no different than any other.

My first appointment of the day was at the dentist office.  Thankfully, and because of my OCD when it comes to my teeth, it only took the hygienist 30 minutes to do the cleaning AND I don't have to go back for another 6 or so months.  A welcome outcome for someone as dental-phobic as I am.  I really didn't expect any other news from my dentist and continue to hope that my 'not needing any further dental work' streak stays alive for a long, long time to come.

After getting home from the dentist's and a quick shower, I was off to the confrontation with my PCP.  I had very little hope that the appointment would go well, but, as it turned out, I was pleasantly surprised.  I don't ever think I will consider this doctor a friend, or someone that I like very well, but today she was actually okay.  And we really didn't have too much to disagree about.

I was surprised that the doctor spent somewhere around an hour with me today.  I wasn't overly thrilled to find out that she will not be doing any pap smears (and maybe pelvic exams) on me any longer.  She follows the guidelines that some association/group puts out and because I had a complete hysterectomy and have never had any abnormal pap smears, I (supposedly) don't need gynecological screenings any longer.  While I don't enjoy pelvic exams, having one and finding that there is no problem always made me feel a bit more secure about my health.  I guess this is part of getting older.

The doctor and I did go round and round about my staying on estrogen.  She is adamant about me not needing HRT for any reason whatsoever and rather poo-pooed any of my concerns over going off.  She insists that the risks outweigh any (imagined) benefit I might be getting from the drugs.  Of course, I really couldn't come back at her with any facts, as I hadn't done research recently, so I just looked like a petulant child who wanted to eat a cookie instead of green beans.  She very, very reluctantly agreed to write my prescription--but she HAD to be a bit snarky about 'if you come in with a stroke/heart attack/blood clot, etc, don't blame me because I told you the risks.'  The same kind of treatment I got when I went in for my shingles vaccine.  Obviously, the woman was sick the day that compassion and bedside manners were taught in medical school.  After this, we moved on and had a pleasant time for the rest of the appointment.

First of all, she took me off of the statin I was on.  YAY!  Basically, I have been on it to help counter the possibility of any problems with the build up in my carotid artery.  She said this drug could possibly be a part of my memory problem and as such, she thinks I'd be better off not taking it.  She really isn't convinced that this medication would actually benefit me in any practical way and with my cholesterol NEVER being a problem, she thinks it is perfectly safe for me to discontinue it.

With my recent weight loss, my blood pressure has been on the low side of normal, so she halved my daily dosage.  She feels as if I will be able to go off of BP meds if I continue to do as well as I have been.  Also, I may be going off of my Prilosec sooner, rather than later--another bonus of losing weight.

All of my blood work came back as 'excellent' except for my thyroid levels.  My numbers are quite low, indicating a hyperthyroidism--and I am being treated for hyPOthyroidism.  This would indicate that I am being over medicated, but the doctor wants to wait and do some follow up blood tests before we tweak my meds--something I am thankful for.  (I'd rather wait and be sure than mess things up even more if it isn't necessary.)  She also had another blood draw done to check my B12 levels, as a low B12 count could also be part of my memory and brain fog problems.  Just another thing to wait for.

Even though my exam showed no other problems, this appointment just lead to MORE appointments.  Of course, I need to have my mammograms done and she is having an ultrasound done on my carotid artery to make sure there has been no negative change.  But the biggest thing to come out of today is the testing that I will be going for because of my memory/brain fog issues.  I am being sent to a neuropsychiatrist to undergo a battery of tests to make sure I am not in the early stages of dementia.  This is to be a baseline with which we can compare future tests should there be a worsening problem.  I was going to say no at first, but figured I may as well get it over with while we still have insurance that will cover the cost.  The biggest problem with this entire ordeal is that it WILL be an ordeal.  We only have one neuropsychiatrist here in town, so it will take a considerable amount of time before I can get an appointment.  The testing itself takes several hours and I'm not sure how many days.  After the testing, it takes some time for the results to be interpreted.  All in all, I wonder if I will know anything until next year.  ;)

The biggest thing I took from my appointment today is that I guess I CAN work this doctor after all.  She looked at me quite a bit differently because of all the work I have done to get fit.  She was encouraging and very congratulatory.  It made me feel good.

I will need to have my thyroid levels checked again in six weeks and then have a follow up visit with the PA in four months.  I would assume I will be seen four months after that and then we are back to next year and my next physical.  And the world keeps turning...

Catching Up With Sleep

Since joining the gym, I have had to re-join those who are required to get out of bed at set times.  It has been YEARS--at least since The Youngest left home--since I have needed to worry about my sleep habits* and it is very hard for me to get back on track.  So, I find that the weekend is my time to 'catch up on my sleep.'  And that is what I did today.  Yuck.

I got to the gym four times this past week:  two times with The Trainer and two class sessions.  My training on Thursday didn't introduce me to anything new, but The Trainer brought back some 'oldies but goodies.'  I got to hit the heavy bad again--I REALLY need to get my own gloves--and enjoyed it just as much as the time before.  But, I had to do several things that I'm not particularly fond of--especially this:

I've done this several times before, but Thursday was the first day I was able to flip the tire BY MYSELF!  And I did it 6 times!  Even with my T-rex arms!  This isn't my favorite thing to do, but it makes me feel good when I see progress.

The slide board got another go at me, but in a different way.  And THIS one I REALLY dislike.  This is called mountain climbing:

It is going to take me a long, long time to get to the point where I can do this comfortably--if it ever happens.  My arms aren't nearly strong enough to hold up my entire body for an extended amount of time and I'll have to lose a lot more weight before I come close to being able to do this well.

I also got to pull the heavy rope again--yay.  It isn't very difficult and it's getting easier all of the time, but it most certainly works the arm muscles!  My arms are beginning to regain the strength I have lost over the years, but, again, I have quite a way to go.

I am scheduled to see The Trainer twice again next week and will probably only get to class twice--I have to have lab work done in anticipation of my physical on the 14th, so I will likely miss one day of class.  (I can't see going to the gym after fasting overnight--just isn't going to happen.)


*Of course, I DO need to get up for appointments, etc, but that is the exception, not the rule, in my life.

Cure For What Ails Ya!

Many people will say that regular exercise will keep depression at bay.  I can't 'aye' or 'nay' to that, but I DO know that I miss the gym whenever I don't get there for a few days.  (Such as over the holidays.)  I find that three days a week is the MINIMUM I need to go for a workout in order to feel pretty good about myself--and if I manage to get there for a full five days, I have an enormous sense of accomplishment.  Now that things are settling down, I am able to get back to my Tuesdays and Thursdays with my trainer and try to make it to a group class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Depending on how worn out my body is, I will get to the gym all five days.  However, with my horrible sleeping habits--and they don't seem to be changing any time soon--and how OLD my body is, I don't always make it for a full five days.  As I get in better shape and get stronger, I will probably even do double sessions on some days.  But not yet...

The other day The Trainer had me do something that has convinced me that it is the cure for any problem a person might have.  It works out every bit of hostility, depression, anger, and frustration--and I found it incredibly FUN.  I'm talking about working with a heavy bag.

Okay, so I wasn't doing it quite like the boxer in the video.  First of all, the bag was stationary--and I didn't 'dance' around it while hitting.  I did a 3-1 combination--three jabs with one hand and then a power punch with the other.  After working both sides, I then had to do a speed drill, just jabbing as fast as I could with both hands.  After doing this for several minutes, there was no way I could have any amount of frustration or anger left in me.  I actually smiled through the rest of my workout and can't wait until The Trainer puts me back on the heavy bag.  The only downside:  I had to use the gym's boxing gloves that have been used by more people than I want to think of.  The only thing that comes close to their smell is hockey gloves--and hockey gloves stink so badly that players give 'face washes' to other players as an insult.  If I knew I was going to need them every week, I would buy my own gloves and avoid the smell!  One of these days I may even buy my own bag for the house.  I do think if everyone worked with a heavy bag every day, most of the world's ills could vanish.  ;)

Face-Planting

I am the world's most uncoordinated person.  I don't dance because I probably look worse than Elaine does in this video:

So, one of the things that we work on in the gym is my coordination.  And to get better at that, I need to get my 'core' stronger--and The Trainer has some interesting things at his disposal for me to try.  We usually have to go very slowly, because I come close to face-planting on a regular basis.  The first day he had me try this, was one of them:

Yep, I was put on a skating slideboard and told to 'go for it!'  To say it took me some time to get the hang of this thing is putting it mildly.  The only way I can describe this is for someone to pour pure olive oil all over a linoleum floor and try to walk from one end of the floor to the other while wearing wool socks.  NOT an easy task.  The first time I was on the slideboard, The Trainer had to hold the back of my shirt to make sure I was able to stand upright.  On Monday, not only did I perform well, I was given an extra task to do--when I hit the side board, I had to tap the top of an orange cone with my opposite hand before sliding to the other board and doing the same there.  Not only is this quite a workout, but I actually found myself having fun while doing it!  Six months ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me I would be doing this--and I would have said you were certifiable if you told me I would be having FUN!  I'm amazed at how quickly things are changing for me.

Changing My Life

I wasn't going to write this post for a long time, but decided that too much is going on to let it go to waste.  So, I am announcing the big change I/we made in my life this last year.  Now I will tell a (too) long story.

Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows that I have a weight problem--and have had trouble with weight for most of my life.  I have never said out loud just how much weight I have gained since we got married and probably won't until I've lost it all.  I definitely have work to do in order for that to happen.  And that is my big news:  I have joined a gym.  And I have a personal trainer.  Here is how all of this happened.

Eight or so months ago, K was bothered with his left shoulder.  He wasn't sure how he injured it and the doctor said he might have a rotator cuff tear.  Of course, that would mean surgery--which is NOT a walk in the park.  But first, the doctor wanted him to go and see the physical therapists and have more tests done to see how bad his problem was.  As it turned out, he DIDN'T have a problem with the rotator cuff and physical therapy helped him quite a lot.  The trouble is, when they cut him loose from therapy, he didn't continue with his exercises like he should have and the pain started to come back.  That is when he decided to join the gym and get a trainer to help him.  Of course, losing weight and getting in shape was part of the reason to pay the money for this process.

When K came home from his evaluation session with the trainer, I made my decision to join the gym, too--and work with his trainer.  During my evaluation, the trainer asked me what my goals are and I said, "To begin with, I want to lose 50 pounds and stop making 'old people noises' when I get up from a chair."  Yes, that is just a start for me, but a good one, nonetheless.  And so things began...

That first day in the gym showed me just how out-of-shape I really was.  Looking back, I am surprised that my trainer didn't just give up on me right then and there.  To say I couldn't do much is putting it mildly.  I don't think I was able to do a side plank for more than 15 seconds and I could barely raise my arm and leg while in the quadruped position.  I 'sucked wind' for several weeks until I started to get more comfortable moving my body--and while losing some of my weight.  And lose I have done.  Right now I'm at 30 pounds lost--it would be more, but the holidays got in the way.  ;)

Having a trainer is both a blessing and a curse.  The Trainer keeps me on task and knows just how far he can push me so that I get a decent workout.  I do much more than I would do on my own.  However, there are days I want to punch his face because I don't want to do what he tells me to.  I never knew I could do the things with my body that I do and still be able to walk under my own power.  And I never knew I could be so proud of myself AND feel so physically and mentally good about my body!  UNBELIEVABLE!

I'm finding it quite cool that I go to the same gym as the goalie from our local college hockey team.  (You KNOW that would be a boost for me.  :D)  My trainer is the gym owner's father and he is the same age as K and I are--plus, he was born and raised 'up north' like we were.  We have gotten to be good friends, as well as trainer/client.  The people at the gym are fantastic and make you feel so welcome--a greater group you couldn't find.  I'm very happy I made this very hard decision and can't wait to see my progress through this next year.


***I don't think I will be making this blog all about my 'transformation,' but this is a big part of my life and I will be writing about it.  Mostly, you will hear more about my mishaps and the strange and wonderful things I'm doing.  Going to a gym is quite interesting.***