A Day in the Life

I am slowly getting used to the new normal. Some days are busier than others and some days I do absolutely nothing. It works. Today, I was out-and-about, so time moved a bit quicker than normal. I actually am thinking about getting ready for bed here and it is not even 9:30! Yeah, life has changed...

For whatever reason, I woke up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried, but my body said 'NO,' so I started to move around by 8:00. I made coffee, turned on the computer, emptied the dishwasher, and got all of the kinks out that I could. The older I get, the harder it is to just get up and running after sleep...my muscles atrophy overnight, I believe. I think if I stayed in one position for more than four hours straight, I would just turn to stone. Age has plenty of disadvantages.

While I drank my coffee and ate breakfast--and I can't for the life of me remember what I ate--I read my email and the news headlines. (THAT will give you heartburn in a mighty hurry...thankfully, I take Prevacid every morning!) I putsied around the interwebs for a bit--Twitter, Facebook, etc--and then went to shower.

I started out early enough today, so I was able to be very leisurely about getting ready to go out. I had a hair appointment across town and got there in plenty of time. After I had my hair 'did,' I went to the produce store on that end of town. They have as many local items as they can, and if not local, at least grown in the state. I have had good luck with the produce from there...it seems to stay fresh longer than what I get in the grocery stores. For the first time, I bought cotton candy grapes. I found them to be quite good and they did remind me of cotton candy. I think what I like best was the lack of tartness that green grapes usually have...these were quite sweet and mild. I also bought some peaches and I will be interested to see how happy I am with them. I usually buy nectarines, so we'll see.

Also, since I was on that end of town, I stopped at our local pet store. This is not your ordinary pet store, however. They not only cater to household pets, but they have what you might need for your horses and other grain eating animals. They have gardening supplies and whatever is needed to feed any outdoor critters. The place has almost a warehouse atmosphere and has been a staple in our town for quite a few years. As winter is fast approaching, I decided it was time to start stockpiling food for my winter critters. The Youngest and her husband gave me a galvanized garbage can that they no longer need, so I have a great place to store what I buy. I figure I'll get a little at a time and have more than enough to get through the first part of the winter, anyway.

I am doing a little more of this type of 'running around' as time goes on. These are the kinds of things that The Husband and I would do together, so it is an adjustment to do these on my own. It is nice to be in a small city, however, as I don't feel 'alone' when I'm in these stores. The people working in them are so nice and sweet that I want to take them all home with me! It's nice to see that there still are some businesses that like to take good care of their customers.

When I got home, I put my purchases away and got into more comfortable attire. (I'm relying on my slippers a little too much these days.) I had grapes for a snack while watching a hockey game and that pretty much brought me to this point. Nothing earth shattering, just a pleasant day running a few errands in a leisurely fashion. I can do days like this.

More On Being Alone...The Parent Dilemma

The Mother passed about a year and a half ago. I don't know if I ever thought she would go first and I didn't think she would go at the age of 80...just seemed too soon. However, as I told many people, she really hadn't been herself for a couple of years, so she 'left' some time before her death. It really hurt that we weren't able to get back to being as close as I would have liked after our estrangement, but, life goes on. Her and The Father had just celebrated their 64th anniversary.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that The Father was having some medical issues. These 'spells' he was having were similar to what he was experiencing before it was determined that he needed a pacemaker, which he had done a few months back. Things seemed to be going well and then this...

He has been through a battery of tests and emergency room visits and appointments with his primary care doctor, all with the conclusion of "we can't find anything wrong." Yet, he still insists 'something' isn't right. The Oldest Daughter and one of my nieces said that they think he has 'given up' and has lost his zest for life. Very possible.

There are two things that could be happening here and I completely understand both. First, I think it is next to impossible to get the medical community to understand what you are going through...especially as one ages. I know that I can't explain my aches and pains in a way that doctors have been taught to understand. The terminology, for one, is so different between 'medical-ese' and 'normal' language, that it is next to impossible for one group to understand the other. While The Father is far from stupid, he still doesn't have the command of the language that someone else might have. He doesn't use the internet, at all, and really doesn't venture outside of his comfort zone when it comes to reading or what he watches on TV, so he probably isn't communicating in a great fashion. But even though I think I might have a better command of the language than he does, I find that I can't make myself understood either. And the way I explain this is here:  Think of the 'pain chart' with the emojis that you see in a medical setting or the pain scale of 1-10 in how much pain you're in. Do either one of these really represent what you are going through? And what if the pain you are feeling is intermittent? And what if what you are feeling is in no way a 'textbook' response to what a doctor might expect? (I don't have textbook symptoms with a lot of my medical issues, so what do they do with me?) It is very difficult to talk to some doctors and until they are given a lot of instruction about dealing with older people, I don't know that things will improve.

The second thing that could be going on is that he possibly is 'giving up.' And I so understand this. Feeling as if there really is nothing more to live for, isn't a death wish...it isn't a suicidal tendency. When your soulmate...The Father's of 64 years, mine of 45 years...is gone, especially when you are retired and 'left alone,' there really feels as if there is nothing left for you. You can keep yourself busy and do things, you can be with people and be happy with them, but it isn't the same. You have thought of yourself as 'we' for the majority of your life and now it is a non-existent thing. You really wonder what your worth is and if you even want to put forth effort to find out if there is any worth left in your life. Everyone else's life continues as normal for them (which it absolutely SHOULD) but your life is irreparably altered. And this is something NO ONE can understand until they have gone through it themselves. So, if he is feeling as if he wants to give up, I understand.

Now, for a solution to The Father's issues...  I don't know what to say about the medical thing. He is very opposed to anyone talking to a doctor on his behalf...and I'm not sure it would do much good anyway...especially if it is a communication issue. He doesn't feel as if it is anyone else's business what goes on at the doctor's office and this is something that we can't do anything about. (If you ever heard that Finn's are stubborn, then you KNOW what dealing with The Father is like.) So, until something is measurably wrong with him, he will continue to 'not feel well.' As for the being alone thing...if he could be talked into going into a senior citizen apartment complex/facility, I think he would have many, many happy years ahead of him. The activities and people would keep him busy and he would have someone around at all times so that he wouldn't/couldn't wallow in any self pity. BUT, this would have to be suggested in a way that he thought it was his own idea..not something that is an easy thing to do. So, until The Family can come up with a solution, this is life as we know it...at least, for now.


***Before anyone gets worried, I am NOT suicidal or wanting to die! It hasn't even been a year for me, so I still am trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I still grieve and I still wallow...it is a process, one I am dealing with. One, three, or five years from now, I may look back at this post and wonder how I could have felt this way...one never knows. I live one day at a time for now, and that is more than I could hope for.

Watching The Neighbors

There are two apple trees in the yard behind the main part of my property. (I have a lot and a half, which my house sits on.) One of the trees is completely dead and the other is half dead. It is my belief that the Virginia Creeper vines are what killed the tree, but I'm not sure. But, that really is beside the point. Anyway, these trees have been at one stage of dying off for quite a few years. They are on the other side of the fence and don't really bother me...they are of no hazard to me or my yard. Actually, I like having them there because they provide a place for birds to sit and they get an awful lot of activity from woodpeckers. A couple of days ago, I heard a chainsaw...

When I'm in the computer room, it is difficult for me to figure out what direction a noise is coming from. (It doesn't help that I have hearing loss and don't wear my hearing aids at home, usually. 😆) Once I got to the kitchen, I looked out and saw that the dead apple tree was being trimmed/taken down. As I watched, it occurred to me that the person doing the cutting probably wasn't very qualified for the job. He was a young guy, no older than early thirties. He was wearing shorts, but had 'chaps' on, covering the front part of his legs. He was wearing sneakers. He had no gloves on or goggles...nothing safety-related, unless the chaps were. He had an extension ladder to climb up into the tree, but had problems with it. At one point, he took the two pieces of the ladder apart, but the remaining section wasn't long enough for him to get to where he needed to be. Then he tried to put the pieces back together, but I really don't think he knew how to do it...it didn't go together properly, but he still was determined to use it to climb on. He continued to try and place the ladder so that it wouldn't shift once he was on it...but he wasn't having much luck. When I saw him go up the ladder while holding onto a chainsaw, I had to leave and go into the other room. I got far too nervous seeing what was happening...and I thought he probably was going to get hurt very badly. By the time I ventured back into the kitchen, the guy was done with what he was doing. I'm not sure if he was okay. However, only the limbs of the tree are gone and the trunk remains. Is he done? Did he HAVE to stop because something went wrong? Will the other tree be trimmed? It all is a mystery. But I'm not too sure he won't be back:  the ladder is still propped on the tree trunk.

Another eventful day in my life. 😁

Observing the Backyard

 

I spend a lot of time watching the wildlife in my yard. Sometimes I will sit and watch for quite a while, but a lot of what I do is stop as I pass a window and look at what is going on out there. I won't apologize for writing about the critters too often...just be forewarned. 😀 (And every window I looked out of ISN'T pointing toward the backyard...)

--The computer room is on the side of the house, so the window doesn't actually face the backyard. I do, however, have a view of my neighbor's fence and the trees in their yard, two of which are large pine trees that are growing against the fence. I believe the grey catbirds have a nest just on the other side of the fence from where my window is. This summer is the first time I have, to my recollection, seen grey catbirds and it has been quite fun to watch the pair bringing bits of food to the little ones. I haven't seen the young 'uns and haven't seen the adults for a few days, so I'm thinking the nest might be empty. It was fun while it lasted.

--Today I watched the chickadees forage through the pine trees. I'm not exactly sure of what they were looking for...I didn't see what they were eating. It was fun to watch them flit from branch to branch, close enough that I could almost touch them.

--Because the neighbor's have feeders in their yard, the birds use the pines as shelter, so I get to watch a great variety as I sit here at the computer. There are nuthatches, goldfinches, blue jays, wrens, warblers, and so many more. Winter will be a busy time outside of this window...

--The other day, in my backyard, the birds gathered...not sure what was going on, but I had--at the same time--grackles, blackbirds, blue jays, robins, brown thrashers, woodpeckers, red-winged blackbirds. Some were in the trees behind my yard, some were in the feeders, and some were on the ground. I'm not sure when the last time was that I saw such a variety at one time in and around the yard.

--I have a shallow birdbath/bird feeder that was given as a gift from friends. Since they gave it--a couple of years ago--it has been kind of hanging out in the backyard, doing nothing. This summer I decided to relocate it to the front yard and keep it full of water for the summer. The goldfinches have taken a liking to it and drink water when needed. They don't stay long and are very skittish, so it's a joy whenever I get to glimpse that flash of bright yellow in front of the porch.

--The squirrels have been busy, busy lately. I don't know if this means a long, cold winter or if someone in the neighborhood is overfeeding them, but they have been active. I do find them not only burying their peanuts, but they have been moving them around from place to place. And they have found that the turned over soil from the drainage work is a great place to bury what they have. I guess grass seed should be put down sooner rather than later, with the hope that they won't continue digging. But why stop them from having fun...

--Also, the squirrels are doing their annual pruning of the neighbor's oak tree. They are going at it fast and furiously this year...I have quite a number of branches in the backyard. I have never figured out why they do this...they start way too early for them to be gathering acorns and too late for them to be building nests. I would really love to know what their plan is.

--Chipmunks are moving into the yard again...and I no longer have anyone around to trap them. I'm hoping the neighbors will do their part to try and keep them under control...after all, it's them feeding them continuously, every day all year long, that is the major cause of the little rats' existence. I could possibly become friends with one of the 'mountain men' and see if they want to have any chipmunk pelts...probably too small to be worth it to them. 😆

--I caught something on the backyard camera the other night, but it just moved along the bottom of the range of the camera. It almost looked like a cat, but I don't think it was. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't a skunk, either. I'm thinking it may have been a weasel, possibly a muskrat. I'm not sure what else it could have been...and as small as this critter was, I don't think it would trigger the camera if it walked through the middle of the yard. I'm now wondering if I will have to get a regular critter cam before winter sets in...

--I had a young six-point buck in the yard for quite some time last night. I don't believe he ate any of the apples that have fallen from the neighbor's apple tree. There really aren't enough for anyone to make the effort and come to pick them for their bait pile, so I have no idea what is going to happen to them other than rot on the ground. The lawn guys are going to be dealing with one horrid mess!

--Haven't smelled any signs of skunks recently...which is good. If I knew there were a lot, then the chances would be good that my yard is being overrun by grubs...something that would need to be taken care of. I have only seen one on-camera and that was only because I was doing a look-see and happened to catch it in the backyard. They are much too small to set off the motion detection, so I have to catch them at just the right time. I really don't need them to set up housing under the storage shed like the did a few years back.

Alone Can Be Nice

While I have done a little lamenting about being alone, there really are some nice things about only having yourself to worry about.

Today, I had every intention of washing clothes. I got side tracked by other things and decided the wash could wait one more day. Now THAT'S something I can be happy about.

I also like the fact that I don't have to eat on a time schedule. If I want to eat my evening meal at 4:00 PM or at 10:00 PM, it is my choice. I find that I eat when I'm hungry, more often than by the clock. Wasn't always the case when The Husband was here. Also, if I decide to have soup and nothing else for an evening meal, so be it...I definitely don't need to have a four course meal.

If I feel like spending my entire day at the computer, I can do it. I also can spend some time there, walk away, do something else, and go back to the computer without having to worry that whatever I was working on would be a problem for another person. I like being able to leave the computer set at my profile and only having to sign out when I'm ready to close for the day.

It is nice to have several projects going at one time and move from task to task if I feel like it. When I have someone else around, I feel as if I should finish one thing before moving on to the next, but now I don't have to.

Also, if I leave something somewhere, it will still be there when I go to look for it. (If I can remember where I left it in the first place. 😁)

And sleep...I can sleep whenever, wherever, and however I want. It is a freedom that really can only come from living alone after retirement.

So, along with the negatives, there ARE some perks to being along...you just have to know where to find them.

Perplexing

I own the above t-shirt. I had someone ask me, "Understand what?"

I'm not sure if the person has no sense of humor, is dumber than a bags of rocks, or was complimenting me.

Bitter Pills

This is not going to be a feel good post. I just want to warn any readers ahead of time.  

Recently, there have been several stories in the news that have put me in a not-so-good state of mind. I HATE feeling this way...I am not a hateful person...I am not a jealous person...I am not ugly.

Alec Trebec, a somebody with lots of money, age 79, has been treated for pancreatic cancer, and is doing very well, might even be cured. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a somebody with money, age 86, has been treated for pancreatic cancer for the second time, and is doing very well, might even be cured. My husband, a regular person with not much money, age 64, died from pancreatic cancer that had metastasized, and no one really went out of their way to try and cure him. To say I'm a bit pissed, is putting it mildly.

I won't say that my husband's care was sub par. He had other issues, along with the cancer, but I can't help but feel as if he would have had more aggressive treatment if we were 'somebodies' with a lot of money. Instead, he lingered for two weeks in the hospital with the doctors, basically, doing everything BUT work on the cancer. If I let myself, I could be very, very bitter.

It also hurts to see people so very much older than my husband, getting the aggressive care he didn't get. AND it isn't as if at least one of the two people I mentioned is in peak health...Ginsburg has pretty much been at death's door a few times and she's gotten top health care to pull her through. It hurts.

I probably could have gotten through the 'cured' stories if I wouldn't have seen the story* about kidney transplant studies that just came out. The study says that ten people, who have been offered a kidney for transplant and didn't get it, die every day here in the US. The bottom line from the study is that transplant centers are too choosy about accepting kidneys and will refuse donated ones because they aren't 'perfect.' And so, people die before getting transplants. I can't help but wonder if, and how many, kidneys my husband COULD HAVE had, but they were turned down by the transplant center. If he had been transplanted, he quite possibly could have lived a very full, non-dialysis life for three years...instead of what he went through. And could his cancer have been caught early enough to be treated? There are so many 'what ifs'...

These are dark thoughts...something I have to get through. I will wallow for a bit and then let it go. Sometimes you HAVE to wallow and be bitter, just so you can work through the emotions...it can be a big part of healing. I will work through this and come out the other end and be in a better place. My faith won't let me think I know better than God as to how things were to work out...I know He has/had a reason for things to go the way they did. I just wish He would let me in on the secret...

*Here is a link to the story about the transplants: https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/917499#vp_1

Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

As we age, we will all face the inevitable...having to find a new doctor. And it isn't fun...

The first doctor I lost was my GYN. He had delivered The Youngest and kept me as a patient until he retired. We were very close in age...he was a couple of years older than me...and we had a great rapport. I would go in for my annual physical and we'd sit and talk 'computers' for the first half of the visit and THEN get down to the nitty gritty. I STILL miss him and it's been well over 15 years.

The next doctor I had to replace was my primary care/internist. It took us a little while to 'get' each other, but after that, we had a wonderful relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better, kinder, more understanding doctor. He was about 5 years older than me and that helped our relationship, along with him being one of the best diagnosticians ever to wear a white coat! And over 10 years ago, he decided to become a hospitalist and left private practice. That day, I think I actually cried. Since then, I have gone through two more doctors (for primary care) and am now on my third...

I haven't yet seen my new doctor. She just took over my case when the last doctor left, earlier this month. I was happy to hear from other people that she is just great and couldn't wait until my October appointment to meet. That's pretty much been the way things have always happened with new doctors.

Now for a little segue...

I have thyroid issues...hypothyroidism, to be exact. This means my thyroid is underactive and I have been on meds for many years due to this. I regularly go for blood work to make sure everything is being regulated properly. When my 'numbers' are high, I need more meds...and when my numbers are low, the dosage needs to be lowered. Rarely do my numbers drop low enough to lower my dosage...except recently. For some reason, earlier this year, my numbers went WAY low, so I have had my dosage lowered three times in order to get myself back to where I should be. Last Friday it was time for more blood work, to see how I was doing. I was waiting to hear from the nurse at the doctor's office to tell me what my dosage will be for the near future and was anticipating having to make a call to the office to get the results, if they didn't come soon enough. And then I got a surprise...

Yesterday, late afternoon...5:30, to be exact...I got a phone call. It was my new doctor! She called me herself to give me the results* of my blood work and to discuss where we are going from here. She had my chart in front of her and we talked about what we'll need to discuss at my next appointment and what blood work I need to have done beforehand. I was absolutely gobsmacked! Rarely do doctors make their own calls, especially for something as routine as thyroid results, so I was very pleased. She was so very nice and pleasant...I think this is one doctor I will be able to work with! Fingers crossed... (She is young, so I hope she'll stay here for a good long while!)

*My numbers are still a little on the low end, so I need a bit of a lower dose. Instead of changing the dosage completely and dramatically, the doctor now has me on a full pill six days a week and a half pill one day. We'll make additional adjustments in October if there is a need...

Home Sweet Home

The first thing we did after The Husband retired, was build a new house. The house we were in was old, had been moved from one location to where it was when we bought it, and needed a lot of work done to it. No matter how much money we would have sunk into the place, it still would have been an old house that had been remodeled...and it still would have had some of the same problems. The biggest problem was the damp/wet basement that had a very low ceiling. There really wasn't much we could have done to fix that, so we tore the old place down and had a new house put on the same lot. We did this in anticipation of future age and health problems. We wanted a house with no stairs--or a minimal amount. And this was done nicely...there are only two steps to come into the house and the only stairs of any consequence are the basement stairs. It was very lucky that we built this place, because the health issues came a lot sooner than either of us ever expected. We never could have continued with the upkeep on the old place, and I probably would have had to find a new place to live, had I been in the old house last winter...I don't think I could have managed by myself. All well and good...and costs are kept to a minimum. HA! Owning a home ain't for sissies...or people with no money.

In this part of the country, we get snow. It is expected, it is no surprise. But last winter was one for the books. I had so much snow in the backyard that it was higher than the railing on the deck. The ground was frozen much deeper than usual and that caused a lot of issues in the spring. The snow started to melt a lot faster than the ground thawed, so the water had nowhere to go. My sump pump in the basement did all it could to keep my basement dry, but the water had nowhere to go, so I had water that I never expected. It could have been much worse, but I never dreamed I'd have a wet/damp basement ever again...and it was a big disappointment. As the snow melted, the water table just kept getting higher and higher. The water that the sump pump pumped out, went into the backyard...and it soaked right down into the ground where it drained for the sump pump to expel it back into the yard and on and on. It was a vicious cycle of water recycling...and it would have continued for most of the summer, but we put a hose directing the water to the front of the house and that FINALLY took care of the problem. But, this left me with needing a solution to what might happen NEXT year. So, I called in the plumbers...

Last week the work was done to fix my water issue. The drainage from the sump pump was redirected to a pipe running underground to the front yard and ending in a perforated pipe that should just let the water seep into the ground. I won't know if it takes care of the problem until next spring, but I'm hoping. Of course, this wasn't the entire story...

The plumber noticed where water had leaked from around the sewer pipe going out of the house. This is something we were aware of for a couple of years. The Husband was going to seal it, but never got around to it, so the plumber said he'd take care of it for me. Great! Go for it! When he was down in the basement, I was washing clothes, and he noticed that there was more than a leak that needed sealing. He opened up the sewer pipe and it was cracked inside of the basement wall! YAY! I got to spend even MORE money than I had planned on in the first place! But, it needed to be done, or a very, very big disaster could have occurred within the next couple of years. I am thankful that he was in the right place at the right time and caught the problem early.

I'm also waiting for the gutter guys to come and install gutters on the entire house. Right now, there are gutters over the front porch, but they don't work properly...I'm not convinced that they were installed correctly. Now, the experts are coming in to do the work the right way...just another thing to keep the water away from the foundation, hoping to keep the basement water free. Again, I will have to wait and see if this corrects the problems. I can only hope.

So, as much as I wanted to believe that a brand new house was going to be close to maintenance free as possible, it hasn't happened. I'm not faulting the builder or the sub-contractors or anyone else...it is mainly the fault of Mother Nature and our wanting to build over an underground stream. (I was told there probably is one under the house.) You have to take the good with the bad. I love where I live and will do what needs to be done so that I can stay here. Even though it might continue to cost me...

After This Pause...

I was all set and ready to do a post and I discovered that I was missing A LOT of my bookmarks! I was going to use several sites as research for the post and couldn't find them. For the most part, missing bookmarks might not be that hard to recreate, but these particular ones happened to be connected with my genealogy, and a lot of them were in Finnish. NOT something I could find on my own, again, easily. So, instead of writing a post, I had to find out what happened and where my bookmarks went to...

From what I could figure out, many people have had issues with missing bookmarks, especially after a Chrome update. There doesn't seem to be an easy fix for this and Google doesn't seem ready to admit that there might be a bug, so it was up to me to find my own solution. I don't like messing with my registry or doing too much when it comes to fixing code, so I took the easiest (for me) way, which turned out to be the way that took the most effort. I decided (once I found my bookmark backup folder) to copy each site, individually, and do a new bookmark folder in my browser. Considering I had more than four dozen bookmarks to check out, it took me a bit of time I hadn't planned on spending. I have THAT folder all recreated and now I have to check to see what else is missing. {sigh} Computers can be a big pain in the caboose...but where would we be without them?

I'll get back to the original, intended post after doing what I need to do here around the house...after all, it IS garbage day. What excitement and joy life continues to bring my way! 😁

Morning Bliss

The Husband loved mornings. (We sang 'Morning Has Broken' as the last song at his memorial service.) I never have been a morning person. With my erratic sleep habits/insomnia, it just isn't something I ever considered. However, I certainly wish I was a morning person...

The other morning I went to put mail in the box before 7:00 AM. (Don't ask me what I was doing up at that time. It's better you don't know.) It is unbelievable how peaceful it is at the end of a dead end street at that time of day! And because of the peacefulness, the wildlife feels free to roam. I decided to sit on the front porch and watch what goes on when I usually am sleeping. I found out that there is A LOT of activity.

I've mentioned (many times before) that there is a lot of wildlife in the neighborhood. And I got to see quite a show. Across the street, I saw two bucks, grazing. One of them was probably born last year and it was a 4- to 6-pointer. The other one was a full 6-pointer...it looked like it probably was older, maybe by a year. These two might have been the ones I saw the evening before, but with the amount of deer we have in the neighborhood, I can't be sure. I found it fascinating to see them side-by-side, eating. Very soon, they will probably be competing for the affections of a doe, but right now, they were pals. They wandered around in the neighbor's yard for quite some time and I lost sight of them when they went behind their house. They are lucky that they are 'city deer'...they probably have a very long, healthy life ahead of them.

I almost went into the house after losing sight of the bucks, but a fawn made its way to my neighbor's front yard. It wasn't a 'newborn,' but it definitely was a late birth. It still had spots, but they weren't apparent until it got closer to me. This little one wandered all over the neighbor's front yard and then made its way across the street to my yard. It continued to look for something tasty, but didn't find a whole lot to hold its interest. It didn't make its way to my back yard, where my neighbor's apple tree is dropping its fruit...I'm sure the deer will find them very soon.

After the fawn wandered off, I sat for a bit. The birds were in full voice, filling the air with their songs. I watched two adult cottontails across the street and two young 'uns in my front yard. They leisurely had their breakfast, with no cares in the world. And why should they? The world was quiet and they were safe.

 

Retired

Technically, I have been retired for almost three years. But, being a stay-at-home, retirement wasn't/isn't actually a 'thing' for me. The only thing different after retirement was I started getting a paycheck. That is nice, to finally get paid for the work that I do...now that I don't do any work. 😁

I remember telling The Husband that retirement for me wasn't ANYTHING like retirement for him. He left his job and never had to go back. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued my job, I just started to get paid for doing it! For those who always went out into the working world, this is a concept that is impossible to grasp...really.

After retiring...actually, as soon as The Husband retired...I began to 'take it easy.' I didn't cook meals as often as I once did, didn't clean the house as often, either. He did a lot of the grocery shopping and began to help with the cleaning. All of this WASN'T because I decided to quit doing things, though. It began to be more difficult for me to do physical things because of my PsA, so it was a wonderful thing that he could pick up the slack.

I have come to realize how much I relied on the help my husband gave me, both in recent years and in the past. I now have to drive myself most of the time.* If I can't/won't drive to a place, I have to wait until Friday when The Youngest has her day off. I tend to keep more of my pantry items in the kitchen cupboards than I like, just so I don't have to go down in the basement. And 'cleaning DAY' has turned into multiple days. All part of getting older, but I was just getting used to the 'new normal' when The Husband died. ANOTHER thing I have to get used to!

But, back to retirement. We retired early so we could live life. A good sentiment, but it didn't work out that way. The first year took up the building of the house and getting settled. The second year continued with the house, but now it took on the added aspect of taking care of The Husband's health. The third and fourth years were all about dialysis and trips to the hospital to keep his dialysis access points accessible. NOT what we had in mind when he retired.

Early retirement had never been part of the plan for us. But, a couple of things changed. First, the power plant where The Husband worked, became a part of the 'get rid of all coal fired plants' agenda. Every few weeks, there was more news as to what and when things were going to change/happen. It got to where he didn't know how much longer he actually was going to HAVE a job, so it was very stressful...not something you want to face on a daily basis. And then the second reason turned out to be quite ironic...

The Husband's niece, who was only two years younger than us, passed away. That was the day he decided to turn in his retirement papers. He wanted to be able to enjoy retirement and not have to face the health issues she did. A good idea, but it turned out that he didn't have the chance to fully enjoy his retirement because of HIS health issues. I don't like to do the 'Why?' thing, but it does cross my mind sometimes. I don't understand why he couldn't have had a few years for travel and pure enjoyment, but it wasn't to be. And I always will be sad that he couldn't have that small thing before he passed.

I face my 'golden years' alone...another thing that I never thought was going to happen. Retirement...not what I was expecting.

*I never enjoyed driving, even when I was younger. It was a necessity and that was it. I pretty much quit driving when The Husband retired...he loved to drive and would bring me wherever I needed to go and I appreciated it so much! I am re-learning how to drive around our town with all of the changes, but I'm not too sure I will fight it when I finally have to quit. 😊

Fatigue

When I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, it answered a lot of questions for me. Along with the psoriasis, the comorbidities certainly follow along with many of my health issues. While PsA shares a lot of the same symptoms as other forms of arthritis, one thing is more prevalent with PsA, and that's fatigue. Which I have...

I've suffered from different amounts of fatigue practically my entire life. My sleep habits have always been erratic...I never wanted to go to sleep and once I was sleeping, I never wanted to get up. This didn't work well when I was in school, or after having kids. So, fatigue was my constant companion.

It seems as if I 'do' resolutions several times a year. I vow to myself to get on the 'right' track and get better sleep/better nutrition/better exercise, etc. Once again, a few weeks ago I made my vow. While my nutrition didn't get THAT much better, I actually started to be a lot more active. I got my 'active minutes' done and got my 'daily steps' in for a couple of weeks. (Fitbit users will understand...😀) It felt good to have that accomplishment under my belt, but I found out that my knee joint wasn't too happy with me pushing things too far and too fast. It got to the point where I couldn't 'push through' the pain and I had to back things down. DAMN!!! Even my scheduled Cosentyx injection and the CBD oil weren't making things better, so I had to slow down the activity a lot. And I think I regressed...

For the past two weeks I have slowed down to a crawl, in terms of my activities. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and move from one room to the next, and that's about it. And the fatigue has set in with a vengeance. This past week, I have slept almost as much as I have been awake...and I still don't have trouble falling asleep when I get comfortable. UGH!

So, what has all of this done for me? Well, for one thing, most of the time I feel as if I'm in a sleep fog...my brain feels heavy, my eyes burn and don't 'feel right,' and my body is achier than usual. Fun times. I'm thinking I'm having a flare and this episode of extreme fatigue will pass, as has happened at other times. I have to believe.

Having health issues is one thing when you have someone with you at all times, but when you are alone, it can be very scary. I'm doing okay here by myself, but only because the house is on one level. I go into the basement when I need to and no more often than that. I had so many plans for the basement, but at this point, they are being put on hold. I wanted to put a sauna down there and set up a craft/sewing room and set up an exercise room, but that isn't happening any time soon. It's enough that my long-term pantry is down there and that the overflow from my kitchen cabinets is there...that is why I have to go down those steps as often as I do. But, I don't go down there voluntarily, as often I thought I was going to. And as the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." And life goes on...

Dream, Dream, Dream

I don't dream...at least, I don't REMEMBER my dreams, usually. When I DO remember them, they're very disjointed and a lot of the time, they cause me to have a very uncomfortable day. It's weird how a dream can linger and make you think about it long after it's over. And it's not as if the dreams I remember are frightening in any way, they just wind up starring people I haven't thought of in quite some time, or a time in my life that's long past. So the other night's dream caught me by surprise...it was very lucid and actually had a story line to it. It wasn't very interesting, but it was so fresh in my mind that I thought about it for a while after waking.

To begin, it started with me talking to a young man, probably a high school senior, about his college plans. I'm not sure where this took place, but the location of my dream very quickly became my house. It was my house, but it WASN'T my house...similar to where I'm living, but not exactly the same. The young man was there, as were my two daughters. They were the age they are now. My childhood dog was there. It was mentioned that he was 38 years old...and he made a mess on the floor. My father came in through the front door and we told him about the dog, who was his companion. The young man was trying to make up his mind as to where he wanted to go to school. He was quite distressed over the fact that all of the dorms were co-ed...he was a staunch Christian and had no interest in premarital sex. Then I looked out of the front window and saw a cardboard box on the snowbank. I was upset that the delivery person put it there instead of at my front door, but when I went to look at it, it was empty and hadn't been a delivery. The mailman (who was walking, not driving the truck) and I started to talk and he was complaining about the numbering of the houses on the street. I explained WHY the numbers changed from 1100s to 1200s in the middle of the street. And that pretty much concluded my dream. Very boring, but it stayed with me.

All day long, I tried to piece together the WHY of this dream. The only part of it that has any connection to my life recently, is the conversation about the street numbers. I had this same conversation a week or so ago with the guy who came to give me the estimate on the gutters for the house. Other than that, there was nothing going on in my life to prompt this dream.

And this got me to thinking about what I HAVEN'T dreamt about over the years:

I was very surprised that I never dreamt of my mother after she died...and I still haven't. For the first part of my life, The Mother and I were close friends..at least I thought we were. Then things happened. For many years, we were estranged and never got back to the closeness we once had. I'm quite disappointed in the fact that I have not dreamed of her...I feel as if this could bring me a sense of closure, in a way. Maybe some day.

I also have not dreamt of The Husband at all. I have not 'felt' his presence in any way, other than with the visits from the cardinals. I don't know if it would comfort me or make me miss him more if my dreams had his presence, so I don't even think about it or try to 'force' him into my dreams. I'm sure it will happen in due time and I will let it come naturally.

There are times when I wished there was a real explanation for why we dream and what they mean. It probably would save me from dwelling on insignificant things...and then again, maybe it wouldn't.

Trying to be Politically Savvy

It is a constant source of annoyance to have people post political stories that are either partially the truth or outright lies. And whether it is a good or bad thing that is posted, it ALWAYS depends on who they like/dislike politically. And I am seeing this from BOTH sides of the political debate.

I don't watch the news and haven't for about ten years or so. It got too difficult to see how stories were formed in a way to advance or destroy a political agenda. I want the NEWS, NOT an opinion piece...unless I'm looking to read an opinion piece. And that's where I still am, today.

Some might wonder how I stay informed if I don't watch the news. Well, I have a computer. The first thing that comes into my inbox every day are news headlines...from THREE different sources. I get headlines from the 'right,' the 'left,' and from the (relatively) 'neutral.' If a story is interesting enough, I go online and read it. If two sources have headlines that are completely the opposite of each other, I go online to read the story. It is surprisingly easy to find 'the rest of the story' if one is so inclined. I know, I know...who would have thunk it, right?

I am completely amazed at how people, who I thought were reasonably intelligent, allow themselves to be blinded by their political agenda. I don't know what the solution to this is--if there even IS one--but it doesn't look well for this country if things continue in this manner. We are in a world of hurt if things don't change soon. I'm not holding my breath waiting...

Round and Round and Round She Goes

Traffic in this town has always been a bit sketchy. Summer brings tourists who haven't a clue as to how to drive on non-interstate/freeway roads. WE know how to drive in our towns and even though it might not be a familiar thing to city folks. And then we get the college students in the fall...better NOT dwell on their driving. Just as they are getting used to how to drive here, the snow starts falling and we are faced with a whole other set of problems. The students have to learn how to drive in the snow and the locals have to remember that snow covered roads can be dangerous! If one can, it is best to stay at home after the first couple of snowfalls, until everyone is used to driving in the snow. 😄

One of the biggest issues in our town, when it comes to traffic, is how to keeps things moving smoothly and safely. The north/south high-traffic corridors run through, mainly, residential areas, so there are numerous cross streets. This means there need to be stop signs, usually for the traffic coming onto the busier road. So, stop signs were put up. That didn't solve whatever issue was present, so MORE stop signs were placed and we had A LOT of four-way stops. When THAT didn't solve problems, then traffic lights were installed and some intersections even got left turn signals. We'll, the powers-that-be decided this wasn't going to work, either...

About five years ago, it was decided to put in a roundabout where the bypass connects the road that leads out of town and the downtown area. What was there was a little bit of a mess, but it was OUR mess and we were used to it. The roundabout actually is too small for this area...the snowplow drivers and big rig drivers are not happy, but it stays. And what do the officials decide to do then? Why build MORE roundabouts, that's what! We now have (or will have...construction is ongoing) somewhere around ten roundabouts (give or take a couple) in the greater area. There are at least two on the highway right in front of the new hospital (and to make it even better, there is one in the parking lot!) and they are constructing two (three?) on the business corridor coming into town. For good measure, there are three or more scattered throughout the town. Fun times!!! I don't particularly LIKE to drive, so having to learn something so foreign at this late date is not what I look forward to. ACK!

Today, I decided to conquer the roundabouts! I had business to take care of around town and decided to do it on my own, instead of relying on The Youngest. To get where I was going, quickly and easily, required me to go through THREE roundabouts...and I DID IT! I may be proud of myself (which I am) but it doesn't mean that I will be zipping through these things on a regular basis. I will continue to try and find the easiest, least traffic-laden route to get to where I'm going, even if it means a longer trip. But, I now know I can do the roundabouts if I really must. A nice, feel-good accomplishment.