Being In a Funk

I'm still having a bit of a funk going on in my life. To be expected, I guess. But, it REALLY is affecting me to see my best friend post pictures of her and her husband (who happened to be The Husband's best friend) on Facebook. They are very much like The Husband and I were, kind of joined at the hip, so to speak...in other words, spending most of their time together, rather than with other people. And she posts happy pictures of their trips together...something I don't begrudge them, at all! It just reminds me of what I have lost and how The Husband and I never got a chance to spend our retirement the way we had hoped. I think the time is going to go by VERY slowly for me until January rolls along! This, too, shall pass...

Alone Can Be Nice

While I have done a little lamenting about being alone, there really are some nice things about only having yourself to worry about.

Today, I had every intention of washing clothes. I got side tracked by other things and decided the wash could wait one more day. Now THAT'S something I can be happy about.

I also like the fact that I don't have to eat on a time schedule. If I want to eat my evening meal at 4:00 PM or at 10:00 PM, it is my choice. I find that I eat when I'm hungry, more often than by the clock. Wasn't always the case when The Husband was here. Also, if I decide to have soup and nothing else for an evening meal, so be it...I definitely don't need to have a four course meal.

If I feel like spending my entire day at the computer, I can do it. I also can spend some time there, walk away, do something else, and go back to the computer without having to worry that whatever I was working on would be a problem for another person. I like being able to leave the computer set at my profile and only having to sign out when I'm ready to close for the day.

It is nice to have several projects going at one time and move from task to task if I feel like it. When I have someone else around, I feel as if I should finish one thing before moving on to the next, but now I don't have to.

Also, if I leave something somewhere, it will still be there when I go to look for it. (If I can remember where I left it in the first place. 😁)

And sleep...I can sleep whenever, wherever, and however I want. It is a freedom that really can only come from living alone after retirement.

So, along with the negatives, there ARE some perks to being along...you just have to know where to find them.

Retired

Technically, I have been retired for almost three years. But, being a stay-at-home, retirement wasn't/isn't actually a 'thing' for me. The only thing different after retirement was I started getting a paycheck. That is nice, to finally get paid for the work that I do...now that I don't do any work. 😁

I remember telling The Husband that retirement for me wasn't ANYTHING like retirement for him. He left his job and never had to go back. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued my job, I just started to get paid for doing it! For those who always went out into the working world, this is a concept that is impossible to grasp...really.

After retiring...actually, as soon as The Husband retired...I began to 'take it easy.' I didn't cook meals as often as I once did, didn't clean the house as often, either. He did a lot of the grocery shopping and began to help with the cleaning. All of this WASN'T because I decided to quit doing things, though. It began to be more difficult for me to do physical things because of my PsA, so it was a wonderful thing that he could pick up the slack.

I have come to realize how much I relied on the help my husband gave me, both in recent years and in the past. I now have to drive myself most of the time.* If I can't/won't drive to a place, I have to wait until Friday when The Youngest has her day off. I tend to keep more of my pantry items in the kitchen cupboards than I like, just so I don't have to go down in the basement. And 'cleaning DAY' has turned into multiple days. All part of getting older, but I was just getting used to the 'new normal' when The Husband died. ANOTHER thing I have to get used to!

But, back to retirement. We retired early so we could live life. A good sentiment, but it didn't work out that way. The first year took up the building of the house and getting settled. The second year continued with the house, but now it took on the added aspect of taking care of The Husband's health. The third and fourth years were all about dialysis and trips to the hospital to keep his dialysis access points accessible. NOT what we had in mind when he retired.

Early retirement had never been part of the plan for us. But, a couple of things changed. First, the power plant where The Husband worked, became a part of the 'get rid of all coal fired plants' agenda. Every few weeks, there was more news as to what and when things were going to change/happen. It got to where he didn't know how much longer he actually was going to HAVE a job, so it was very stressful...not something you want to face on a daily basis. And then the second reason turned out to be quite ironic...

The Husband's niece, who was only two years younger than us, passed away. That was the day he decided to turn in his retirement papers. He wanted to be able to enjoy retirement and not have to face the health issues she did. A good idea, but it turned out that he didn't have the chance to fully enjoy his retirement because of HIS health issues. I don't like to do the 'Why?' thing, but it does cross my mind sometimes. I don't understand why he couldn't have had a few years for travel and pure enjoyment, but it wasn't to be. And I always will be sad that he couldn't have that small thing before he passed.

I face my 'golden years' alone...another thing that I never thought was going to happen. Retirement...not what I was expecting.

*I never enjoyed driving, even when I was younger. It was a necessity and that was it. I pretty much quit driving when The Husband retired...he loved to drive and would bring me wherever I needed to go and I appreciated it so much! I am re-learning how to drive around our town with all of the changes, but I'm not too sure I will fight it when I finally have to quit. 😊