Being In a Funk

I'm still having a bit of a funk going on in my life. To be expected, I guess. But, it REALLY is affecting me to see my best friend post pictures of her and her husband (who happened to be The Husband's best friend) on Facebook. They are very much like The Husband and I were, kind of joined at the hip, so to speak...in other words, spending most of their time together, rather than with other people. And she posts happy pictures of their trips together...something I don't begrudge them, at all! It just reminds me of what I have lost and how The Husband and I never got a chance to spend our retirement the way we had hoped. I think the time is going to go by VERY slowly for me until January rolls along! This, too, shall pass...

Ennui

I have had three bouts with depression that I needed 'help' with. Two times I had post-partum depression and once I was quite bad when everything went to hell-in-a-hand-basket with The Family. I have taken anti-depressants and I have seen therapists. The drugs worked okay, I guess. I have seen three different therapists and only one was worth what he was paid. So, my experience with mental health care has been mixed.

Over the years, I have pondered the depression issue. The Mother had it, The Brother has/had it, at least one of my daughters have had it...I guess you can say it runs in the family. Mine has never been so bad that anyone questioned whether I needed to be hospitalized, but no one really has ever known just how bad my depression has been.

I believe I have had chronic depression for most of my life...or maybe a case of ennui. Who knows? I do know I have felt 'empty' a lot of the time. That would be the closest way I can come to describing a good portion of my life. I have neither been happy or sad, just have existed. Even after The Husband died, I haven't really fallen into the depths of depression that I probably/possibly should have...I've just felt empty and experience a sense of 'ennui.'

Now, this isn't really as bad as it may sound. I could also describe a good portion of my life as comfortable. While I may not have had a lot of excitement and extreme passion, I have been content. There is a fine line between being comfortable/content and 'ennui.' If you're comfortable/content, you are satisfied with how things are. If you are experiencing ennui, you want more. And maybe that's just what it is for me:  Comfortable and content...satisfied. Maybe I don't have chronic depression after all. Something to ponder...