Ennui

I have had three bouts with depression that I needed 'help' with. Two times I had post-partum depression and once I was quite bad when everything went to hell-in-a-hand-basket with The Family. I have taken anti-depressants and I have seen therapists. The drugs worked okay, I guess. I have seen three different therapists and only one was worth what he was paid. So, my experience with mental health care has been mixed.

Over the years, I have pondered the depression issue. The Mother had it, The Brother has/had it, at least one of my daughters have had it...I guess you can say it runs in the family. Mine has never been so bad that anyone questioned whether I needed to be hospitalized, but no one really has ever known just how bad my depression has been.

I believe I have had chronic depression for most of my life...or maybe a case of ennui. Who knows? I do know I have felt 'empty' a lot of the time. That would be the closest way I can come to describing a good portion of my life. I have neither been happy or sad, just have existed. Even after The Husband died, I haven't really fallen into the depths of depression that I probably/possibly should have...I've just felt empty and experience a sense of 'ennui.'

Now, this isn't really as bad as it may sound. I could also describe a good portion of my life as comfortable. While I may not have had a lot of excitement and extreme passion, I have been content. There is a fine line between being comfortable/content and 'ennui.' If you're comfortable/content, you are satisfied with how things are. If you are experiencing ennui, you want more. And maybe that's just what it is for me:  Comfortable and content...satisfied. Maybe I don't have chronic depression after all. Something to ponder...