Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Not Even A Lump Of Coal?

I'm deep in my holiday depression, so I might as well continue with very depressing posts. Today is no exception.

I LOVE getting presents. I have no guilt admitting this. While I like giving things to everyone I love, I almost think I enjoy receiving more. I'm like a little kid when it comes to getting things. Just the thought that someone made the effort to get me something that I would like, is heartwarming. I realize a lot of this comes from not getting exactly what I wanted when I was a child--The Family didn't have all that much money--and I wait to see if the present I open is something I really, really like. Much of the time, I am pleasantly pleased with what I find. Almost as many times, I am not very happy. There are far too few people--read that as 'family'--who don't put much thought into what I might want. (My friends read me very well and very, very few times am I disappointed in what they get me.)

This year there will be no presents under the tree for me--other than the possibility of something from The Youngest and her husband. Nothing comes from The Oldest and her family. I realize that they are on an extremely tight budget, with eight in the family and only part time jobs, but still. She talks about the kids making homemade gifts and she tells me about the name exchange they participate in with The Family, but nothing comes into our house from them. While I have insisted on backing off to an extent, we provide an awful lot of money and articles cost-free to their household. It is our decision to buy things for them, but I'm beginning to feel very much taken for granted these days. I am pretty positive that The Mother and The Father don't go without gifts from my kids and grandkids--ever. And I am just as sure that they don't provide hardly anything to The Oldest and her family. But still, they are treated more like her parents than we are. It hurts--deeply.

So, where does The Husband come into the picture? There will be nothing from him this year, either. At the beginning of the month, he suggested we buy a computer as our Christmas gift to ourselves--and I agreed. However, I changed that to TWO computers, as I would NOT be happy with our laptop if I have a new desktop to use. And it is hard enough for the two of us to share the desktop we have, so we really need separate computers to keep a happy home. (The laptop we have was a mistake for us to buy. We spent too much and didn't get anything more than someplace to play basic games. Live and learn.) While I knew I could get two computers for what he wanted to spend, upon further research, I KNEW we couldn't live with anything that basic. I am so over getting 'the biggest, fastest, most powerful' computer, but I won't get the bottom of the barrel, either. So, because of less than $500, I haven't ordered the computers. We can't come to an agreement on how much to spend. (Really, all he has to do is go up on what to spend and I can come down a bit--it could work.) And there will be no gift for me this Christmas. This year will suck eggs, big time.

And, what does this mean for The Husband, in terms of what is under the tree? Well, I won't be going all out as I usually do, but I WILL be putting gifts under the tree for him. I can't stand to think of anyone going without having gifts to open on Christmas Eve--and I won't allow it to happen. Maybe I should get myself something to open, just so I won't feel left out? :|

Part of the problem I have with not getting presents is the fact that The Husband and I are very much ignored throughout the year. IF we get cards--only from The Youngest, I might add--that is the extent of how we are acknowledged at special times through the year. This includes birthdays, anniversary, and Mother's and Father's Day. Thing is, I KNOW in-laws and The Parents are NOT ignored on their special days, because I have seen the presents purchased for them. It is so hard to not show how bitter I feel at times. It is so, so hard to not feel appreciated by your own kids. It is like a dagger through the heart--literally.

Now, I didn't post this so that people will feel sorry for me. My blog is a place for me to vent, that is all. I'm a big girl and will survive this year, just as I have survived all of the rest of them. Mid-January, the latest, I will be fine. Until then, I will wallow in self-pity. We all need to wallow at times--mine just happens at this time of the year.

(I realize I will feel like an absolute ass on Friday if things turn out to be different than this scenario. And I WILL admit my mistake, right here, with face red as Santa's suit. But I don't believe I will have to swallow my pride and admit my mistake. I've lived with these people way too long to not know how they are. Such is life. :|)


Ranger Tom said...

I know all to well what it's like to be ignored by the family.

This year will be the 4th year in a row that the only Christmas card I received was from my bank.

Sending you warm thoughts from Florida...

cmk said...

Thanks Tom. And warm thoughts back at ya! Well, as warm as can come from the Great White North! ;)

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about gifts, and/or lack of them-don't get me started! Cards too-lack of.

I hope that none of your family reads your blog-that would make things a little difficult, I think.

Hope it works out in your favor!

cmk said...

My kids KNOW I have a blog, but I haven't shared it with them. And frankly, I don't think they care all that much. But, if they WOULD stumble upon it, I guess there would be a lot of discussions I would have to have with them. And as for the rest of the family, I don't care.

tiger said...