Being In a Funk

I'm still having a bit of a funk going on in my life. To be expected, I guess. But, it REALLY is affecting me to see my best friend post pictures of her and her husband (who happened to be The Husband's best friend) on Facebook. They are very much like The Husband and I were, kind of joined at the hip, so to speak...in other words, spending most of their time together, rather than with other people. And she posts happy pictures of their trips together...something I don't begrudge them, at all! It just reminds me of what I have lost and how The Husband and I never got a chance to spend our retirement the way we had hoped. I think the time is going to go by VERY slowly for me until January rolls along! This, too, shall pass...

Ennui

I have had three bouts with depression that I needed 'help' with. Two times I had post-partum depression and once I was quite bad when everything went to hell-in-a-hand-basket with The Family. I have taken anti-depressants and I have seen therapists. The drugs worked okay, I guess. I have seen three different therapists and only one was worth what he was paid. So, my experience with mental health care has been mixed.

Over the years, I have pondered the depression issue. The Mother had it, The Brother has/had it, at least one of my daughters have had it...I guess you can say it runs in the family. Mine has never been so bad that anyone questioned whether I needed to be hospitalized, but no one really has ever known just how bad my depression has been.

I believe I have had chronic depression for most of my life...or maybe a case of ennui. Who knows? I do know I have felt 'empty' a lot of the time. That would be the closest way I can come to describing a good portion of my life. I have neither been happy or sad, just have existed. Even after The Husband died, I haven't really fallen into the depths of depression that I probably/possibly should have...I've just felt empty and experience a sense of 'ennui.'

Now, this isn't really as bad as it may sound. I could also describe a good portion of my life as comfortable. While I may not have had a lot of excitement and extreme passion, I have been content. There is a fine line between being comfortable/content and 'ennui.' If you're comfortable/content, you are satisfied with how things are. If you are experiencing ennui, you want more. And maybe that's just what it is for me:  Comfortable and content...satisfied. Maybe I don't have chronic depression after all. Something to ponder...

RIP...And The Important Word Is PEACE

I read the obituaries every day. Actually, I read two sets of obits...the ones where I live now and the ones from my hometown. I have to read the ones from back home, as there is no one to let me know if anyone I am acquainted with has passed. Sadly, I fully expect to READ a relative's name before being TOLD by a family member, first. This is one of the first activities I do after turning on the computer every day.

When reading the obits, I focus on a couple of things: Age and cause of death. Obviously, as one gets older, the age someone dies becomes more relevant. And the cause of death hits close to home, especially after The Husband's passing. And this makes me ponder...

So many people die because of cancer. So many obits mention a person's 'courageous battle' against this horrible disease. And I really can't relate, as The Husband went so quickly after his diagnosis. There was nothing we could do to 'fight' the cancer...it was too far along and he had too many other health issues. And, God forgive me, I think I am grateful.

Before anyone thinks too poorly about me, let me explain. First, after his diagnosis, he was hospitalized rather quickly. He was coming up on the completion of his second year of dialysis and things were not going as well as they should have. His access sites were not cooperating...he was in and out of the hospital having his chest wall graft 'fixed' far too many times and he was trying to heal from having a perma-cath placed, once again. The last day of dialysis at the dialysis center, found him having to be sent to the hospital because his blood pressure had bottomed out, once again. This was an on-going problem for the last days of his life and he didn't get a full dialysis treatment for over a week before he passed. I do believe this hastened his death. How much the cancer had to do with any of this, who knows.

I know--to a certain degree--what some people go through while in cancer treatment. I cannot imagine how difficult life would have been for us if he had started chemo. With two very serious illnesses, one would constantly be interfering with the other. He would have had to do dialysis right before chemo so that the dialysis wouldn't clear all of the drugs from his system before they could actually DO anything for the cancer...and then he would have to go and have his blood 'cleaned,' again. So, there would have been no rest for him, at all, as he was having dialysis three times a week. The week he was home between the diagnosis and his being sent to the hospital, was extremely depressing for us both. He was used to being able to go out-and-about whenever he wanted and having the weakness that he did was very hard on him. I don't know how much he could have taken...or WOULD have. I think there would have been a time when he would have just stopped treatment altogether; I remember when he started dialysis and he talked about people who quit, and he said he understood.

I have to keep myself from feeling guilty...I know that I helped hasten his death with decisions I made. At the end, he was not coherent enough to make any medical decisions and I had to use my power of attorney to decide what was to be done. I finally had to say 'enough.' Just before he was sent to hospice care, his perma-cath was removed...this meant no more dialysis. This also meant only--at most--two more weeks of life. As he was so weak, he passed in less than 24 hours, peacefully. I HAVE to keep telling myself that I did what was best for him. Thankfully, The Daughters were on board with all decisions and we made them together.

We all make choices every day...some are easier than others. Not everyone has to decide when someone is to live or die, thankfully. It is something that isn't forgotten...

Year One...

I have begun my weekend of self pity a little bit early. At first, I thought this was only going to happen on Sunday, but things change...

On Sunday, The Husband and I would have celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary. We would have been making plans to go out and eat and I would have been anticipating what piece of jewelry he would have bought for me this year. Mostly, our anniversary celebrations were very quiet...just the two of us going out to eat. We had never had a party, even for the 'milestone' anniversaries. I always anticipated the possibility of having a big blow-out for our 50th, but that is not going to happen.

I will now spend our anniversary by myself, thinking of what was and what never will be. I will indulge in junk food eating and way too many sweets. I will feel very sorry for myself and continuously ask, "Why me?" I will cry. And I will feel totally justified in my feelings.

On Monday, I will resume my life and get back to the 'new normal.' This is the first year without The Husband and it will be the hardest. I'm thinking that every year from now on will be just a little easier than the year before...at least, I hope so.

And Your Mother's Aunt's Middle Name Is...

Last week, I renewed my subscription with SiriusXM. I wasn't going to do it because I'm not in the car all that much these days, but I now can stream it through my Bose, so I said, "What the hell." I was able to negotiate the same price as last year, so I thought that was fine. As a bonus, I received an Amazon Echo Dot for free. I didn't know this was going to happen until I got the email, so I ordered the thing. This was the first of it's kind in my house. I only use "Okay Google." on my phone very, very infrequently and have never used any other device such as this to 'connect.' To me, it just seemed as if you are BEGGING to have your privacy invaded. And so, the Echo Dot sat on my counter for a week...I just didn't know if I was going to keep it or give it away. Last night, I finally 'connected.' I'm going to give it a go and see what I think...I really don't know if my privacy can be compromised any more than it already has been. And this goes for EVERYONE'S privacy, as well. Here goes 'the rest of the story...'

A 'shirt-tail' relative posted this on Facebook**: 'I'm sitting at Starbucks, crowded with people. A couple of tables away from me were two people, talking loudly between each other, making phone calls, talking on the phone with clients. I am not eavesdropping, but I hear every single word they say. They were loud. One of them, on the phone with a client, asked the client for his/her SSN. He repeats every--EVERY--digit OUT LOUD: xxx-xx-xxxx. Then he repeats it again, out loud, to "make sure I got it correctly."' 

This lady lives in New Jersey, but frequents the New York City area...I have no idea just where this incident took place. Suffice it to say, there was a HUGE breach of privacy here. My question is:  How many times a day does something like this happen? I guess it isn't JUST Facebook, Google, Apple, etc, etc, putting us at risk...looks as if those we 'trust' with our information are just as bad about protecting us.

I'm not as concerned about Amazon 'stealing' my privacy...I don't think I have any left for ANYONE to steal!


**I edited what was posted on Facebook for clarity and punctuation.

More Politics!?!?

I know I said I don't like to get too political on this blog, but I just can't help it. One of the very prominent political issues that The Husband and I shared with great enthusiasm, is the denying of climate change/global warming. And here I go...

To begin, I DON'T believe we are put here on Earth to 'rape and plunder.' I very proudly voted for the deposit tax on beverage bottles/cans to be reinstated in this state. I find it a pain in the ass to bring them back to the store, so I give them to The Oldest and, as a family, they save the money to help pay their way at the county fair each year. I have seen how much bringing cans back to the store has helped this state; the amount of debris on the sides of the roads and in wilderness areas is minuscule, compared to what it used to be. It is a good thing. I support common sense solutions to keeping the Great Lakes clean and usable. I don't care for too much cutting of the trees here...again, common sense solutions. Just some of what I believe in.

And then we have some things that really get under my skin...

The wetlands reclamation (or whatever it is called) is ridiculous. Because some construction, at some time, happened to 'destroy' some wetland (read that as 'swamp') here in the city, new wetlands had to be built. Within one mile of me, I now have FOUR swamps. (Could actually be more, but sometimes they hide them.) I don't ever remember the amount of mosquitoes that we have now...all at a time when more diseases are being spread by the critters. There are people I know, that have property, that are not allowed to have roads because they would disturb the wetlands. One couple wanted to make their camp a permanent home, but without easy access, they can't do it...it remains a summer escape, nothing more. I don't understand this. We also have a ban on the killing of grey wolves because they are protected.** That was all well and good when it was passed, but now the population is to the point where they have to kill livestock to sustain themselves. Again, some of this stuff needs to have common sense applied to it.

So, I can see the reasons for some regulations/concerns and not see some others. (The above is just a smattering of climate/environmental issues that I have opinions about. 😁) That being said, I have a REAL problem with this entire climate change hysteria going on now. And here we go...

I'm so old that I remember being inundated with the 'facts' about how we were entering into a new ice age. I remember thinking about how far south I would eventually be living...and, at the time, I LOVED warm weather and was a happy little camper thinking of living 'down south.' NOW they're telling me that I have to move even farther north in order to escape the rising temperatures. I also remember how the population of Earth would grow so large that there would be massive famine, at all times, around the world, and here in the US. We were told that the population couldn't be sustained and that people would be dying in massive quantities. We weren't supposed to be able to grow enough food to feed the world. Well, one thing is true, we are told that the famine is STILL coming because of over population...it just didn't happen by the turn of the century as I was told. In 2007 (and this was The Husband's favorite story against global warming/change) the Great Lakes were at an 'all time' record low. Basically, we were told that they were drying up and IF they were to recover, it would take decades. A few years later, the levels recovered to 'normal' and this year, all of the Great Lakes have record high levels. Hmmm...

I believe there is a changing in the climate, but it is something that has happened over and over and over again, as long as the Earth has been here. While some of what we have seen (pollution, for example) is man-made, the majority of what is screamed at us is just cyclical and usual. We don't have records from 2000+ years ago, so we can't know if what is happening NOW happened then.

While I might not live long enough to see it, I think there will be a 'what were we thinking' moment in the future. Coal-fired power plants--such as where The Husband worked--are being dismantled and power plants using alternate fuel are being built. We now have natural gas fueled plants here...all supposed to provide cheaper electricity for us. And when EVERYTHING is using natural gas, just how much will the price of the fuel rise? And how much will our 'cheaper' electricity cost then? We also have a 'solar garden' to help provide electricity to our city. Works well enough in the summer, but the six months of the year when we have/can have snow, it doesn't work so well. (I know how 'well' this works because The Husband 'bought' some solar panels and I get 'credit' on my electric bill from the power generated from my panels. Even in the middle of the summer, I get no more than a $10 credit per month...in the winter, at the most, it is a few cents. All of this on a $100+ bill.) Solar, at this time, is NOT a solution where the sun doesn't shine for days, weeks, even months, at a time. And I won't even get into the problems with wind power.

There is NOTHING wrong with exploring other means of doing things. We can look into alternate fuel sources for power...and look at different, alternate ways to grow food. I have no problem with doing things differently, in theory...it's just when scare tactics are used to try and FORCE drastic change, very quickly, that I have problems. We are told we MUST change our ways of doing things, yet those who are screaming the loudest are doing more 'damage' to the environment than the normal people are. I don't fly private jets around the world or live in a McMansion (or bigger) house, so my gas/electric/water consumption is, at the most, comparable to what the majority use. I DO have a smaller-sized SUV, but for me, it is a necessity so that I can get around during the snow months, especially. (We have minimal public transportation here, so private ownership of a vehicle is close to being 'must have.') I would make changes if it was PROVEN that it is necessary, but I haven't seen the proof. (I can bring up as many articles 'proving' my opinion as anyone on the other side of this issue can cite. Statistics, to me, only prove whatever YOU want them to prove. The way they are presented can show whatever 'facts' the presenter wants.)

Anyway, when ALL the facts are ultimately presented/believed, I have to wonder just how much support this will get from the young 'uns. It is an inconvenient fact that they will have to give up a lot more than us old timers will. I remember a time when there was no internet, cell phones, cable TV, high school students driving their personal cars to school, certain foods being unavailable during some months, no fast food drive-in restaurants on every street corner, and you get my drift. I don't think a lot of people have thought this through very well...there are a lot of things they will not want to give up. But it isn't only the young ones: How many people are going to give up their cars or their daily Starbucks fix (unrecyclable/non-reusable cups) or their drive to the restaurant because they can't be bothered to fix a meal at home. And what about all of the STUFF we HAVE to have: BIG houses, more clothes than we can possibly wear, cell phones, ear phones, TVs, recreational toys... (So much of what we have uses enormous amounts of energy to build/make. If we can't use energy for 'things,' then we will have to go without.) Not to mention how much this is going to cost...not many people are going to be happy having to pay the taxes necessary to implement the changes being talked about.

In no way am I saying there can't be a conversation...but it HAS to be more than one sided. It has to be open and honest, not just fear mongering. And BOTH sides HAVE to listen to each other. There is much too much screaming and not wanting to hear what the other side has to say...that's not the way to get things done. It would be very easy for me to say 'the sky is falling' and 'this world has had it,' but I've lived through a few of these 'moments' in my time...and we always have seemed to come out okay. I think we might be able to survive this crisis, also.


**I believe we make a lot of things worse, rather than better, when we decide to 'fix problems.' If we let Mother Nature take care of some things, maybe she would have the correct solution and not what WE think is right. For example, pandas. There are those that feel as if we should just let them become extinct...they can't live without aggressive human intervention, so maybe nature just says it's their time to go. A thought, anyway...

The World Is Going Crazy With All This 'Wokeness'

Most of the posts that I do are about personal things. I tend not to get political, or comment on current events. I find this to be a good thing...keeps this blog from blowing up. That is, if anyone actually finds and reads it. 😁 But there are times when I just can't ignore something, and this is one of those times...

Political correctness is killing us. There isn't a thing, anymore, that can be enjoyed without someone telling us we're not allowed to. Whether it's racist, cultural appropriation, misogynistic, etc, there are very few things that someone, somewhere, doesn't call out. It is exhausting just trying to remember what we are, and are not, allowed to say, do, like. While I don't agree with most of this stuff, I DO watch myself...I don't want to 'trigger' or offend anyone. And for the most part, my friends and relatives stay away from this stuff, too. That is why, when someone from The Family shows an absolutely insane opinion about something, it pisses me off. And I have to vent.

A niece posted the link to this article on Facebook...she agreed with it. An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go” My eyes rolled so far in the back of my head that I could see my brain! I don't get it!

The author of this article is upset with a children's book. A book that is in the same vein as a Dr Seuss book. Just a simple little book that teaches children to read. Nothing earth shattering about it and not much of a story line, but simple readers don't really have much of a story line. (Remember 'Dick and Jane?') The one possible story line in "Go Dog, Go" involves a female dog asking a male dog if he likes her hat. He doesn't like any of them until she wears a 'party hat.' Simple, innocent. But someone got her panties in a bunch over this.

The article is upset because the female dog is displaying a "heart-wrenching struggle for approval." I guess the female dog's self worth is all tied up in the male dog's approval. WHERE do these people get these ideas? The female dog asks, "Do you like my hat?" The male dog answers, "I do not like that hat." And she walks away. Where in that exchange does her self worth come into play? I just don't understand this way of thinking!

When this PC culture has taken over EVERYTHING, including simple children's stories, I think it's time to just rein things in a bit. It seems as if far too many people wake up every morning with the thought "Just WHAT can I be offended by today?" Take a deep breath, walk away, and leave it alone. "Go Dog, GO" isn't going to bring down any progress the feminists have achieved...it's JUST a children's book!


***I KNOW that the author put a little postscript at the end of the article, labeling this as 'satire.' I read a few other things she wrote and she seems to agree with at least some of her satirical opinions. Even if she wrote this without believing ANY of what she said, there are way too many people who would applaud this as 'wokeness' and complete truth. It IS a crazy world these days...