Steven Wright

One of my favorite comedians is Steven Wright.  All I have to do is look at him and I laugh--just because I know what he's going to say next is hilarious.  Most of what he says takes a bit of thinking before the depth of the humor is fully appreciated.  Here are some of my favorite lines of his:

--I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

--If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

--Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

--I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

--I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

--I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

--I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!

--My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

--I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row.

--I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

--Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

--Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

--I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

--My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

--I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

--My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

--I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

--My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

--Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

--I invented the cordless extension cord.

--I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

--I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

--I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

--I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?

--When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

--When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

--I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

--You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

These are just a few of his most famous lines.  For more of his hilarity, go here.  This site also has a bunch of jokes that have been attributed to Wright--but were said by others. They definitely aren't in the same class as Wright's.