Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The Return of the Police Log

I'm sorry, but the police logs in our paper are not back to what they used to be.  Most everything is very dull--well, dully written--and consists of 'failure to pay' and 'report of an intoxicated male' and 'minor in possession' and not much of anything very interesting.  Until today.  Now, it really wasn't written in a very interesting manner, but the incident is interesting.

--11:31 AM, report of a 4- or 5-year-old walking down the street alone smoking a cigarette;  gone on arrival

Okay, I'm not naive enough to think that there aren't 4- or 5-year-old kids that walk down the street smoking, but I highly doubt that is the case in this town.  We do, however, have some dwarfs--is that the politically correct term these days?--and it is more likely that one of them was the 4- or 5-year-old walking down the street smoking.  And I can imagine what prompted the call to the police.  This is what I'm sure happened:

Set scene:  Edna, age 85, is looking out the front window.  She does this for many hours of the day.  Whenever she sees something that could be reportable to the police, her life is full.  Her husband Jacob, age 87, is sitting in his recliner, half asleep, watching CSPAN.

EDNA:  Jake!  Jacob!  Come here.  Someone's kid is walking down the street.  A little child.  Four, maybe five years old!  And he's smoking a cigarette!  Quick Jacob!  I'll bet he's from up the street--you know, the one whose mother is that slut who has men over all the time.  Jacob!  JACOB!  Are you listening to me?!?!  Call the police right now.  This is a disgrace!  Poor little boy.  He needs a better mother than he has.  JACOB!  Call the police!  Hurry, hurry!!!!!

JACOB (in a stupor from being half asleep):  Anything you say, dear.

Jacob dials the phone and reports the smoking child.  End of story.  :D


Ziva said...

I think the correct term is "vertically challenged." Poor Edna, her eyesight isn't what it used to be.

cmk said...

Ahhh, 'vertically challenged.' I got it.

Sadly, I was able to come up with the character of 'Edna' by basing her on far too many people that I actually know. I'm very afraid I will be an 'Edna' in the years to come... :D

kristi noser said...

I miss the police logs. Thanks for that.

cmk said...

I was SO happy to have a police log to write about! It has been way, way too long.

meleah rebeccah said...


Oh man, I LOVE the police logs, and your story CRACKED me up!

cmk said...

I could just 'see' Edna and Jacob in my mind--the story just wrote itself. :D