Bitter Pills

This is not going to be a feel good post. I just want to warn any readers ahead of time.  

Recently, there have been several stories in the news that have put me in a not-so-good state of mind. I HATE feeling this way...I am not a hateful person...I am not a jealous person...I am not ugly.

Alec Trebec, a somebody with lots of money, age 79, has been treated for pancreatic cancer, and is doing very well, might even be cured. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a somebody with money, age 86, has been treated for pancreatic cancer for the second time, and is doing very well, might even be cured. My husband, a regular person with not much money, age 64, died from pancreatic cancer that had metastasized, and no one really went out of their way to try and cure him. To say I'm a bit pissed, is putting it mildly.

I won't say that my husband's care was sub par. He had other issues, along with the cancer, but I can't help but feel as if he would have had more aggressive treatment if we were 'somebodies' with a lot of money. Instead, he lingered for two weeks in the hospital with the doctors, basically, doing everything BUT work on the cancer. If I let myself, I could be very, very bitter.

It also hurts to see people so very much older than my husband, getting the aggressive care he didn't get. AND it isn't as if at least one of the two people I mentioned is in peak health...Ginsburg has pretty much been at death's door a few times and she's gotten top health care to pull her through. It hurts.

I probably could have gotten through the 'cured' stories if I wouldn't have seen the story* about kidney transplant studies that just came out. The study says that ten people, who have been offered a kidney for transplant and didn't get it, die every day here in the US. The bottom line from the study is that transplant centers are too choosy about accepting kidneys and will refuse donated ones because they aren't 'perfect.' And so, people die before getting transplants. I can't help but wonder if, and how many, kidneys my husband COULD HAVE had, but they were turned down by the transplant center. If he had been transplanted, he quite possibly could have lived a very full, non-dialysis life for three years...instead of what he went through. And could his cancer have been caught early enough to be treated? There are so many 'what ifs'...

These are dark thoughts...something I have to get through. I will wallow for a bit and then let it go. Sometimes you HAVE to wallow and be bitter, just so you can work through the emotions...it can be a big part of healing. I will work through this and come out the other end and be in a better place. My faith won't let me think I know better than God as to how things were to work out...I know He has/had a reason for things to go the way they did. I just wish He would let me in on the secret...

*Here is a link to the story about the transplants: https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/917499#vp_1

Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

As we age, we will all face the inevitable...having to find a new doctor. And it isn't fun...

The first doctor I lost was my GYN. He had delivered The Youngest and kept me as a patient until he retired. We were very close in age...he was a couple of years older than me...and we had a great rapport. I would go in for my annual physical and we'd sit and talk 'computers' for the first half of the visit and THEN get down to the nitty gritty. I STILL miss him and it's been well over 15 years.

The next doctor I had to replace was my primary care/internist. It took us a little while to 'get' each other, but after that, we had a wonderful relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better, kinder, more understanding doctor. He was about 5 years older than me and that helped our relationship, along with him being one of the best diagnosticians ever to wear a white coat! And over 10 years ago, he decided to become a hospitalist and left private practice. That day, I think I actually cried. Since then, I have gone through two more doctors (for primary care) and am now on my third...

I haven't yet seen my new doctor. She just took over my case when the last doctor left, earlier this month. I was happy to hear from other people that she is just great and couldn't wait until my October appointment to meet. That's pretty much been the way things have always happened with new doctors.

Now for a little segue...

I have thyroid issues...hypothyroidism, to be exact. This means my thyroid is underactive and I have been on meds for many years due to this. I regularly go for blood work to make sure everything is being regulated properly. When my 'numbers' are high, I need more meds...and when my numbers are low, the dosage needs to be lowered. Rarely do my numbers drop low enough to lower my dosage...except recently. For some reason, earlier this year, my numbers went WAY low, so I have had my dosage lowered three times in order to get myself back to where I should be. Last Friday it was time for more blood work, to see how I was doing. I was waiting to hear from the nurse at the doctor's office to tell me what my dosage will be for the near future and was anticipating having to make a call to the office to get the results, if they didn't come soon enough. And then I got a surprise...

Yesterday, late afternoon...5:30, to be exact...I got a phone call. It was my new doctor! She called me herself to give me the results* of my blood work and to discuss where we are going from here. She had my chart in front of her and we talked about what we'll need to discuss at my next appointment and what blood work I need to have done beforehand. I was absolutely gobsmacked! Rarely do doctors make their own calls, especially for something as routine as thyroid results, so I was very pleased. She was so very nice and pleasant...I think this is one doctor I will be able to work with! Fingers crossed... (She is young, so I hope she'll stay here for a good long while!)

*My numbers are still a little on the low end, so I need a bit of a lower dose. Instead of changing the dosage completely and dramatically, the doctor now has me on a full pill six days a week and a half pill one day. We'll make additional adjustments in October if there is a need...

Home Sweet Home

The first thing we did after The Husband retired, was build a new house. The house we were in was old, had been moved from one location to where it was when we bought it, and needed a lot of work done to it. No matter how much money we would have sunk into the place, it still would have been an old house that had been remodeled...and it still would have had some of the same problems. The biggest problem was the damp/wet basement that had a very low ceiling. There really wasn't much we could have done to fix that, so we tore the old place down and had a new house put on the same lot. We did this in anticipation of future age and health problems. We wanted a house with no stairs--or a minimal amount. And this was done nicely...there are only two steps to come into the house and the only stairs of any consequence are the basement stairs. It was very lucky that we built this place, because the health issues came a lot sooner than either of us ever expected. We never could have continued with the upkeep on the old place, and I probably would have had to find a new place to live, had I been in the old house last winter...I don't think I could have managed by myself. All well and good...and costs are kept to a minimum. HA! Owning a home ain't for sissies...or people with no money.

In this part of the country, we get snow. It is expected, it is no surprise. But last winter was one for the books. I had so much snow in the backyard that it was higher than the railing on the deck. The ground was frozen much deeper than usual and that caused a lot of issues in the spring. The snow started to melt a lot faster than the ground thawed, so the water had nowhere to go. My sump pump in the basement did all it could to keep my basement dry, but the water had nowhere to go, so I had water that I never expected. It could have been much worse, but I never dreamed I'd have a wet/damp basement ever again...and it was a big disappointment. As the snow melted, the water table just kept getting higher and higher. The water that the sump pump pumped out, went into the backyard...and it soaked right down into the ground where it drained for the sump pump to expel it back into the yard and on and on. It was a vicious cycle of water recycling...and it would have continued for most of the summer, but we put a hose directing the water to the front of the house and that FINALLY took care of the problem. But, this left me with needing a solution to what might happen NEXT year. So, I called in the plumbers...

Last week the work was done to fix my water issue. The drainage from the sump pump was redirected to a pipe running underground to the front yard and ending in a perforated pipe that should just let the water seep into the ground. I won't know if it takes care of the problem until next spring, but I'm hoping. Of course, this wasn't the entire story...

The plumber noticed where water had leaked from around the sewer pipe going out of the house. This is something we were aware of for a couple of years. The Husband was going to seal it, but never got around to it, so the plumber said he'd take care of it for me. Great! Go for it! When he was down in the basement, I was washing clothes, and he noticed that there was more than a leak that needed sealing. He opened up the sewer pipe and it was cracked inside of the basement wall! YAY! I got to spend even MORE money than I had planned on in the first place! But, it needed to be done, or a very, very big disaster could have occurred within the next couple of years. I am thankful that he was in the right place at the right time and caught the problem early.

I'm also waiting for the gutter guys to come and install gutters on the entire house. Right now, there are gutters over the front porch, but they don't work properly...I'm not convinced that they were installed correctly. Now, the experts are coming in to do the work the right way...just another thing to keep the water away from the foundation, hoping to keep the basement water free. Again, I will have to wait and see if this corrects the problems. I can only hope.

So, as much as I wanted to believe that a brand new house was going to be close to maintenance free as possible, it hasn't happened. I'm not faulting the builder or the sub-contractors or anyone else...it is mainly the fault of Mother Nature and our wanting to build over an underground stream. (I was told there probably is one under the house.) You have to take the good with the bad. I love where I live and will do what needs to be done so that I can stay here. Even though it might continue to cost me...

After This Pause...

I was all set and ready to do a post and I discovered that I was missing A LOT of my bookmarks! I was going to use several sites as research for the post and couldn't find them. For the most part, missing bookmarks might not be that hard to recreate, but these particular ones happened to be connected with my genealogy, and a lot of them were in Finnish. NOT something I could find on my own, again, easily. So, instead of writing a post, I had to find out what happened and where my bookmarks went to...

From what I could figure out, many people have had issues with missing bookmarks, especially after a Chrome update. There doesn't seem to be an easy fix for this and Google doesn't seem ready to admit that there might be a bug, so it was up to me to find my own solution. I don't like messing with my registry or doing too much when it comes to fixing code, so I took the easiest (for me) way, which turned out to be the way that took the most effort. I decided (once I found my bookmark backup folder) to copy each site, individually, and do a new bookmark folder in my browser. Considering I had more than four dozen bookmarks to check out, it took me a bit of time I hadn't planned on spending. I have THAT folder all recreated and now I have to check to see what else is missing. {sigh} Computers can be a big pain in the caboose...but where would we be without them?

I'll get back to the original, intended post after doing what I need to do here around the house...after all, it IS garbage day. What excitement and joy life continues to bring my way! 😁

Morning Bliss

The Husband loved mornings. (We sang 'Morning Has Broken' as the last song at his memorial service.) I never have been a morning person. With my erratic sleep habits/insomnia, it just isn't something I ever considered. However, I certainly wish I was a morning person...

The other morning I went to put mail in the box before 7:00 AM. (Don't ask me what I was doing up at that time. It's better you don't know.) It is unbelievable how peaceful it is at the end of a dead end street at that time of day! And because of the peacefulness, the wildlife feels free to roam. I decided to sit on the front porch and watch what goes on when I usually am sleeping. I found out that there is A LOT of activity.

I've mentioned (many times before) that there is a lot of wildlife in the neighborhood. And I got to see quite a show. Across the street, I saw two bucks, grazing. One of them was probably born last year and it was a 4- to 6-pointer. The other one was a full 6-pointer...it looked like it probably was older, maybe by a year. These two might have been the ones I saw the evening before, but with the amount of deer we have in the neighborhood, I can't be sure. I found it fascinating to see them side-by-side, eating. Very soon, they will probably be competing for the affections of a doe, but right now, they were pals. They wandered around in the neighbor's yard for quite some time and I lost sight of them when they went behind their house. They are lucky that they are 'city deer'...they probably have a very long, healthy life ahead of them.

I almost went into the house after losing sight of the bucks, but a fawn made its way to my neighbor's front yard. It wasn't a 'newborn,' but it definitely was a late birth. It still had spots, but they weren't apparent until it got closer to me. This little one wandered all over the neighbor's front yard and then made its way across the street to my yard. It continued to look for something tasty, but didn't find a whole lot to hold its interest. It didn't make its way to my back yard, where my neighbor's apple tree is dropping its fruit...I'm sure the deer will find them very soon.

After the fawn wandered off, I sat for a bit. The birds were in full voice, filling the air with their songs. I watched two adult cottontails across the street and two young 'uns in my front yard. They leisurely had their breakfast, with no cares in the world. And why should they? The world was quiet and they were safe.

 

Retired

Technically, I have been retired for almost three years. But, being a stay-at-home, retirement wasn't/isn't actually a 'thing' for me. The only thing different after retirement was I started getting a paycheck. That is nice, to finally get paid for the work that I do...now that I don't do any work. 😁

I remember telling The Husband that retirement for me wasn't ANYTHING like retirement for him. He left his job and never had to go back. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued my job, I just started to get paid for doing it! For those who always went out into the working world, this is a concept that is impossible to grasp...really.

After retiring...actually, as soon as The Husband retired...I began to 'take it easy.' I didn't cook meals as often as I once did, didn't clean the house as often, either. He did a lot of the grocery shopping and began to help with the cleaning. All of this WASN'T because I decided to quit doing things, though. It began to be more difficult for me to do physical things because of my PsA, so it was a wonderful thing that he could pick up the slack.

I have come to realize how much I relied on the help my husband gave me, both in recent years and in the past. I now have to drive myself most of the time.* If I can't/won't drive to a place, I have to wait until Friday when The Youngest has her day off. I tend to keep more of my pantry items in the kitchen cupboards than I like, just so I don't have to go down in the basement. And 'cleaning DAY' has turned into multiple days. All part of getting older, but I was just getting used to the 'new normal' when The Husband died. ANOTHER thing I have to get used to!

But, back to retirement. We retired early so we could live life. A good sentiment, but it didn't work out that way. The first year took up the building of the house and getting settled. The second year continued with the house, but now it took on the added aspect of taking care of The Husband's health. The third and fourth years were all about dialysis and trips to the hospital to keep his dialysis access points accessible. NOT what we had in mind when he retired.

Early retirement had never been part of the plan for us. But, a couple of things changed. First, the power plant where The Husband worked, became a part of the 'get rid of all coal fired plants' agenda. Every few weeks, there was more news as to what and when things were going to change/happen. It got to where he didn't know how much longer he actually was going to HAVE a job, so it was very stressful...not something you want to face on a daily basis. And then the second reason turned out to be quite ironic...

The Husband's niece, who was only two years younger than us, passed away. That was the day he decided to turn in his retirement papers. He wanted to be able to enjoy retirement and not have to face the health issues she did. A good idea, but it turned out that he didn't have the chance to fully enjoy his retirement because of HIS health issues. I don't like to do the 'Why?' thing, but it does cross my mind sometimes. I don't understand why he couldn't have had a few years for travel and pure enjoyment, but it wasn't to be. And I always will be sad that he couldn't have that small thing before he passed.

I face my 'golden years' alone...another thing that I never thought was going to happen. Retirement...not what I was expecting.

*I never enjoyed driving, even when I was younger. It was a necessity and that was it. I pretty much quit driving when The Husband retired...he loved to drive and would bring me wherever I needed to go and I appreciated it so much! I am re-learning how to drive around our town with all of the changes, but I'm not too sure I will fight it when I finally have to quit. 😊

Fatigue

When I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, it answered a lot of questions for me. Along with the psoriasis, the comorbidities certainly follow along with many of my health issues. While PsA shares a lot of the same symptoms as other forms of arthritis, one thing is more prevalent with PsA, and that's fatigue. Which I have...

I've suffered from different amounts of fatigue practically my entire life. My sleep habits have always been erratic...I never wanted to go to sleep and once I was sleeping, I never wanted to get up. This didn't work well when I was in school, or after having kids. So, fatigue was my constant companion.

It seems as if I 'do' resolutions several times a year. I vow to myself to get on the 'right' track and get better sleep/better nutrition/better exercise, etc. Once again, a few weeks ago I made my vow. While my nutrition didn't get THAT much better, I actually started to be a lot more active. I got my 'active minutes' done and got my 'daily steps' in for a couple of weeks. (Fitbit users will understand...😀) It felt good to have that accomplishment under my belt, but I found out that my knee joint wasn't too happy with me pushing things too far and too fast. It got to the point where I couldn't 'push through' the pain and I had to back things down. DAMN!!! Even my scheduled Cosentyx injection and the CBD oil weren't making things better, so I had to slow down the activity a lot. And I think I regressed...

For the past two weeks I have slowed down to a crawl, in terms of my activities. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and move from one room to the next, and that's about it. And the fatigue has set in with a vengeance. This past week, I have slept almost as much as I have been awake...and I still don't have trouble falling asleep when I get comfortable. UGH!

So, what has all of this done for me? Well, for one thing, most of the time I feel as if I'm in a sleep fog...my brain feels heavy, my eyes burn and don't 'feel right,' and my body is achier than usual. Fun times. I'm thinking I'm having a flare and this episode of extreme fatigue will pass, as has happened at other times. I have to believe.

Having health issues is one thing when you have someone with you at all times, but when you are alone, it can be very scary. I'm doing okay here by myself, but only because the house is on one level. I go into the basement when I need to and no more often than that. I had so many plans for the basement, but at this point, they are being put on hold. I wanted to put a sauna down there and set up a craft/sewing room and set up an exercise room, but that isn't happening any time soon. It's enough that my long-term pantry is down there and that the overflow from my kitchen cabinets is there...that is why I have to go down those steps as often as I do. But, I don't go down there voluntarily, as often I thought I was going to. And as the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." And life goes on...

Dream, Dream, Dream

I don't dream...at least, I don't REMEMBER my dreams, usually. When I DO remember them, they're very disjointed and a lot of the time, they cause me to have a very uncomfortable day. It's weird how a dream can linger and make you think about it long after it's over. And it's not as if the dreams I remember are frightening in any way, they just wind up starring people I haven't thought of in quite some time, or a time in my life that's long past. So the other night's dream caught me by surprise...it was very lucid and actually had a story line to it. It wasn't very interesting, but it was so fresh in my mind that I thought about it for a while after waking.

To begin, it started with me talking to a young man, probably a high school senior, about his college plans. I'm not sure where this took place, but the location of my dream very quickly became my house. It was my house, but it WASN'T my house...similar to where I'm living, but not exactly the same. The young man was there, as were my two daughters. They were the age they are now. My childhood dog was there. It was mentioned that he was 38 years old...and he made a mess on the floor. My father came in through the front door and we told him about the dog, who was his companion. The young man was trying to make up his mind as to where he wanted to go to school. He was quite distressed over the fact that all of the dorms were co-ed...he was a staunch Christian and had no interest in premarital sex. Then I looked out of the front window and saw a cardboard box on the snowbank. I was upset that the delivery person put it there instead of at my front door, but when I went to look at it, it was empty and hadn't been a delivery. The mailman (who was walking, not driving the truck) and I started to talk and he was complaining about the numbering of the houses on the street. I explained WHY the numbers changed from 1100s to 1200s in the middle of the street. And that pretty much concluded my dream. Very boring, but it stayed with me.

All day long, I tried to piece together the WHY of this dream. The only part of it that has any connection to my life recently, is the conversation about the street numbers. I had this same conversation a week or so ago with the guy who came to give me the estimate on the gutters for the house. Other than that, there was nothing going on in my life to prompt this dream.

And this got me to thinking about what I HAVEN'T dreamt about over the years:

I was very surprised that I never dreamt of my mother after she died...and I still haven't. For the first part of my life, The Mother and I were close friends..at least I thought we were. Then things happened. For many years, we were estranged and never got back to the closeness we once had. I'm quite disappointed in the fact that I have not dreamed of her...I feel as if this could bring me a sense of closure, in a way. Maybe some day.

I also have not dreamt of The Husband at all. I have not 'felt' his presence in any way, other than with the visits from the cardinals. I don't know if it would comfort me or make me miss him more if my dreams had his presence, so I don't even think about it or try to 'force' him into my dreams. I'm sure it will happen in due time and I will let it come naturally.

There are times when I wished there was a real explanation for why we dream and what they mean. It probably would save me from dwelling on insignificant things...and then again, maybe it wouldn't.

Trying to be Politically Savvy

It is a constant source of annoyance to have people post political stories that are either partially the truth or outright lies. And whether it is a good or bad thing that is posted, it ALWAYS depends on who they like/dislike politically. And I am seeing this from BOTH sides of the political debate.

I don't watch the news and haven't for about ten years or so. It got too difficult to see how stories were formed in a way to advance or destroy a political agenda. I want the NEWS, NOT an opinion piece...unless I'm looking to read an opinion piece. And that's where I still am, today.

Some might wonder how I stay informed if I don't watch the news. Well, I have a computer. The first thing that comes into my inbox every day are news headlines...from THREE different sources. I get headlines from the 'right,' the 'left,' and from the (relatively) 'neutral.' If a story is interesting enough, I go online and read it. If two sources have headlines that are completely the opposite of each other, I go online to read the story. It is surprisingly easy to find 'the rest of the story' if one is so inclined. I know, I know...who would have thunk it, right?

I am completely amazed at how people, who I thought were reasonably intelligent, allow themselves to be blinded by their political agenda. I don't know what the solution to this is--if there even IS one--but it doesn't look well for this country if things continue in this manner. We are in a world of hurt if things don't change soon. I'm not holding my breath waiting...

Round and Round and Round She Goes

Traffic in this town has always been a bit sketchy. Summer brings tourists who haven't a clue as to how to drive on non-interstate/freeway roads. WE know how to drive in our towns and even though it might not be a familiar thing to city folks. And then we get the college students in the fall...better NOT dwell on their driving. Just as they are getting used to how to drive here, the snow starts falling and we are faced with a whole other set of problems. The students have to learn how to drive in the snow and the locals have to remember that snow covered roads can be dangerous! If one can, it is best to stay at home after the first couple of snowfalls, until everyone is used to driving in the snow. 😄

One of the biggest issues in our town, when it comes to traffic, is how to keeps things moving smoothly and safely. The north/south high-traffic corridors run through, mainly, residential areas, so there are numerous cross streets. This means there need to be stop signs, usually for the traffic coming onto the busier road. So, stop signs were put up. That didn't solve whatever issue was present, so MORE stop signs were placed and we had A LOT of four-way stops. When THAT didn't solve problems, then traffic lights were installed and some intersections even got left turn signals. We'll, the powers-that-be decided this wasn't going to work, either...

About five years ago, it was decided to put in a roundabout where the bypass connects the road that leads out of town and the downtown area. What was there was a little bit of a mess, but it was OUR mess and we were used to it. The roundabout actually is too small for this area...the snowplow drivers and big rig drivers are not happy, but it stays. And what do the officials decide to do then? Why build MORE roundabouts, that's what! We now have (or will have...construction is ongoing) somewhere around ten roundabouts (give or take a couple) in the greater area. There are at least two on the highway right in front of the new hospital (and to make it even better, there is one in the parking lot!) and they are constructing two (three?) on the business corridor coming into town. For good measure, there are three or more scattered throughout the town. Fun times!!! I don't particularly LIKE to drive, so having to learn something so foreign at this late date is not what I look forward to. ACK!

Today, I decided to conquer the roundabouts! I had business to take care of around town and decided to do it on my own, instead of relying on The Youngest. To get where I was going, quickly and easily, required me to go through THREE roundabouts...and I DID IT! I may be proud of myself (which I am) but it doesn't mean that I will be zipping through these things on a regular basis. I will continue to try and find the easiest, least traffic-laden route to get to where I'm going, even if it means a longer trip. But, I now know I can do the roundabouts if I really must. A nice, feel-good accomplishment.

Sources of Amusement

The left side of my property

The right side of my property

Across the back of my property, I have a wooden fence, which we put up before buying the half-lot next to us. The half-lot has a chain link fence, which is my neighbor's. The squirrels use the tops of the fences as a high speed, super highway...a way to get from one yard serving peanuts, to wherever they hide said nuts. As the summer rolls along, the Virginia creepers begin to take over the wooden fence--courtesy of another neighbor's yard--and grapevines take over the chain link fence. This doesn't really bother me, as the green is a nice contrast to the fences. One thing I DO enjoy, however, is how this greenery affects the squirrels...

One day I was looking out of the back window when I saw a squirrel running to get to its hidey-hole. Run, run, run...slow down and detour up into the trees in order to avoid the grapevines and back to the fence. Then, run, run, run until getting to the Virginia creeper...slow down, climb DOWN the fence, creep along (while clinging to the side,) climb back up and continue its journey. I thought this was a one-time thing, but as I continued to watch day after day, I realized the squirrels all do this in order to avoid the greenery. I find this absolutely fascinating and funny at the same time. I will never NOT be amazed at how the critters adapt to their environment, no matter WHAT gets in their way!

More Transitions...

We all, throughout our lives, have fleeting moments when we think "What if...?" Not that we dwell on these things, but thoughts do cross our minds. As we go through life with our mates, we can think in terms of:  What if there is an affair; What if we divorce; What if there is a death?

After The Mother died and with The Husband's health issues, it did cross my mind that I may be left a widow. I ALWAYS shook off those thoughts, because frankly, I thought I would go first. (I never thought I could handle being alone.) Imagining myself alone was murky...I couldn't really get a handle on how it would work. One thing I never could imagine is what my being a widow would be like with my relationships with other people.

We didn't have a lot of close friends. With his work schedule, it was very difficult to get together with people that had 'normal' jobs. There were three couples that we socialized with on a semi-regular basis. One was a couple from our church. THAT didn't last all that many years, as he divorced her and 'we' didn't socialize with her and her (now) long-term companion. She and I are still BFFs. The second couple was made up of a guy we went to school with and a woman who came to be one of my BFFs. And the third couple consists of my husband's best friend from the Navy and a woman I grew up with, graduated with, and had as my maid-of-honor. She is still my dearest BFF. These are dear friends that will be there for me, I know, but the relationship has changed.

Consider being in a roomful of married couples...and you are a widow. No one treats you any differently from how they have ever treated you, but you don't feel the same. You can see everyone else has another person to stand beside, to go home with, to talk to, to be with. You are alone. Completely and utterly alone, in every sense of the word. You KNOW your children are there for you, your closest friends are there for you, but it is still going to be you by yourself when everyone else is gone.*

The first time you get this sense of COMPLETE aloneness is shortly after the funeral. For some days, you will have people call or stop in, just to see how you're doing. And gradually, everyone else gets back to their lives, which they SHOULD do. But that is when you know what loneliness is. You find that you can go days without talking to another person or hearing another voice other than what is on the TV or radio or computer. You may still interact with others via social media, but it isn't the same. It is part of your new way of living.

And then there is the flip side of the coin: For days you don't WANT anyone to contact you, to 'make sure you're fine,' to worry about you. You want to be self sufficient, whatever that means. You almost hunger for the loneliness as a penance for being the one who lived, when the other embraced life so much more than you did. Why were YOU spared when your spouse was the one who "loved his life."

As I write these posts, I know this is just me venting my feelings. This is what would be said if I was in therapy, which I don't need. This is NOT depression, just things that need to get out. Writing is my outlet, always has been, so I've decided to start blogging again, at least for the near future. Will I continue when I have let go of all I need to? Who knows? But for now, this is what is needed in my life...


*I in NO WAY fault my children or friends for not contacting me every day. That is NOT how these things work. Everyone needs to have their own lives and I need to get on with mine, by myself. This is the way it has been done, is being done, and will be done...

Signs...

I have posted often about the wildlife I enjoy watching here. My house is smack dab in the middle of our little city, but it feels very much like I'm in a much more rural area. The house is at the end of a dead end street which is next to a bike path that goes through a woodsy part of town. A lot of very old trees are in the neighborhood and thanks to neighbors who put out food every day, we get a lot of wild animals. The good: birds of ALL kinds, whitetail deer, grey squirrels. The middle-of-the-road good: red fox, raccoons. The not-so good: chipmunks, black bear, coyotes, skunks. I've learned to live with all of them, from the 'we will eat ALL of what you plant' to the 'watch out when you go out at night' critters, and delight in having them around.

Quite a number of years ago, I first saw a pair of cardinals at the feeders. The offspring (I don't think the original pair has lived THIS long 😉) continue to come to the feeders and brighten up the backyard, especially during the winter months. After building this house, it took some time for the birds to trust enough to come back to the feeders and the last of the birds to come were the cardinals. Every time they showed up was a welcome sight.

The dead of winter is not necessarily the most joyful time. Last year, weather wise, was extremely difficult. Snow, snow, snow, and more snow left me wondering WHAT to do about the house: Do I have someone come and shovel the snow off of the roof? Is it okay to leave that much on the roof? These were decisions I NEVER had to make on my own...The Husband ALWAYS took care of the house/outdoor work, so I just wallowed in my ignorance. Now, it was all up to me...

The Husband's birthday was on 4 January...just two weeks after his death. I sat at the table and watched the feeders that were placed near the deck. It wasn't a happy day for me...I was feeling very much alone and very sad. I missed my husband, terribly. I didn't know if I could make it on my own and didn't know if I WANTED to. And then, for the first time that winter, a cardinal came to the feeder. He sat and ate for some time and I KNEW it was a sign, telling me everything will be okay. So many feels from such a simple thing!

Last week I had to do some more on-my-own-adulting...didn't want to, HAD to. With last winter being as bad as it was, the (NOT GREAT) solution to where the sump pump drained, proved beyond a doubt that something needed to be done. I finally had to get someone over to give me an estimate on how to fix the problem...and (not surprisingly) the fix was what I wanted done in the first place. (I won't place the blame at ANYONE'S feet for the oopsy. 😁) While home repairs are a pain, having to pay big bucks on a brand new house is even a bigger annoyance. Something DOES need to be done and I had to make a decision before we start getting snow...which could be any day now. Just after the tech left the house after giving his proposal, I looked out of the window...there, sitting in the pouring rain, was a cardinal. I knew this was a sign that the decision I was about to make was the correct one. (I did also make another decision last week. I have decided to have gutters installed on the house...and I DIDN'T get the 'cardinal sign' that I made the right choice. Gutters on the house was one thing that The Husband and I disagreed on very, very much. Hopefully, I am right on this one. 😊)

So, to conclude this rambling and somewhat disjointed post: Comfort comes in many forms. We are not really alone if we are open to seeing what God will reveal to us. And things will get better...

Going From We To Me

In today's world, it isn't all that unusual for a person to be part of a 'couple' one day and be 'alone' the next. That's just the way things are. But for me, going from 'we' to 'me' has been quite an experience. I was married for 45 years and then The Husband died. And it pretty much was THAT quickly...

The Husband had been diagnosed with his kidney disease almost 15 years ago. We found out in 2015 that the disease was no longer stable and that dialysis and/or kidney transplant was coming sooner rather than later. For two years, he did his three-times-a-week dialysis...and he did very well. Except for the crap kidneys, he was quite healthy. We had every hope that he would get a new kidney in the near future. Then things changed...

About a year ago, he just wasn't himself, and things got worse from there. We all thought he was just having more symptoms of his kidney disease until he said "Enough!" and went to his PCP to be checked out. After some testing, it was determined that he had a bad gallbladder and needed surgery. The trouble is, the day of the surgery, his blood work showed that there was more going on. He was in the hospital the last week of November and came home with a diagnosis of liver cancer that had metastasized from the pancreas. We were in a state of shock!

The Husband was home for about 10 days and wound up back in the hospital. Less than two weeks later, he died. Dying on 22 December didn't make for a very good Christmas last year, to say the least.

So, I went from 'we' to 'me', just like that. I am negotiating life as best I can. I have had to go back to being as independent as I had to be while The Girls were growing up. (With The Husband working shift work his entire career, I needed to do A LOT of independent thinking with raising the girls.) I'm eight months into this new way of life and it is becoming second nature to me...I think. I muddle on through the best I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There probably are more surprises in my future and I can only hope they are GOOD ones.