We all, throughout our lives, have fleeting moments when we think "What if...?" Not that we dwell on these things, but thoughts do cross our minds. As we go through life with our mates, we can think in terms of: What if there is an affair; What if we divorce; What if there is a death?
After The Mother died and with The Husband's health issues, it did cross my mind that I may be left a widow. I ALWAYS shook off those thoughts, because frankly, I thought I would go first. (I never thought I could handle being alone.) Imagining myself alone was murky...I couldn't really get a handle on how it would work. One thing I never could imagine is what my being a widow would be like with my relationships with other people.
We didn't have a lot of close friends. With his work schedule, it was very difficult to get together with people that had 'normal' jobs. There were three couples that we socialized with on a semi-regular basis. One was a couple from our church. THAT didn't last all that many years, as he divorced her and 'we' didn't socialize with her and her (now) long-term companion. She and I are still BFFs. The second couple was made up of a guy we went to school with and a woman who came to be one of my BFFs. And the third couple consists of my husband's best friend from the Navy and a woman I grew up with, graduated with, and had as my maid-of-honor. She is still my dearest BFF. These are dear friends that will be there for me, I know, but the relationship has changed.
Consider being in a roomful of married couples...and you are a widow. No one treats you any differently from how they have ever treated you, but you don't feel the same. You can see everyone else has another person to stand beside, to go home with, to talk to, to be with. You are alone. Completely and utterly alone, in every sense of the word. You KNOW your children are there for you, your closest friends are there for you, but it is still going to be you by yourself when everyone else is gone.*
The first time you get this sense of COMPLETE aloneness is shortly after the funeral. For some days, you will have people call or stop in, just to see how you're doing. And gradually, everyone else gets back to their lives, which they SHOULD do. But that is when you know what loneliness is. You find that you can go days without talking to another person or hearing another voice other than what is on the TV or radio or computer. You may still interact with others via social media, but it isn't the same. It is part of your new way of living.
And then there is the flip side of the coin: For days you don't WANT anyone to contact you, to 'make sure you're fine,' to worry about you. You want to be self sufficient, whatever that means. You almost hunger for the loneliness as a penance for being the one who lived, when the other embraced life so much more than you did. Why were YOU spared when your spouse was the one who "loved his life."
As I write these posts, I know this is just me venting my feelings. This is what would be said if I was in therapy, which I don't need. This is NOT depression, just things that need to get out. Writing is my outlet, always has been, so I've decided to start blogging again, at least for the near future. Will I continue when I have let go of all I need to? Who knows? But for now, this is what is needed in my life...
*I in NO WAY fault my children or friends for not contacting me every day. That is NOT how these things work. Everyone needs to have their own lives and I need to get on with mine, by myself. This is the way it has been done, is being done, and will be done...
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