Being In a Funk

I'm still having a bit of a funk going on in my life. To be expected, I guess. But, it REALLY is affecting me to see my best friend post pictures of her and her husband (who happened to be The Husband's best friend) on Facebook. They are very much like The Husband and I were, kind of joined at the hip, so to speak...in other words, spending most of their time together, rather than with other people. And she posts happy pictures of their trips together...something I don't begrudge them, at all! It just reminds me of what I have lost and how The Husband and I never got a chance to spend our retirement the way we had hoped. I think the time is going to go by VERY slowly for me until January rolls along! This, too, shall pass...

Ennui

I have had three bouts with depression that I needed 'help' with. Two times I had post-partum depression and once I was quite bad when everything went to hell-in-a-hand-basket with The Family. I have taken anti-depressants and I have seen therapists. The drugs worked okay, I guess. I have seen three different therapists and only one was worth what he was paid. So, my experience with mental health care has been mixed.

Over the years, I have pondered the depression issue. The Mother had it, The Brother has/had it, at least one of my daughters have had it...I guess you can say it runs in the family. Mine has never been so bad that anyone questioned whether I needed to be hospitalized, but no one really has ever known just how bad my depression has been.

I believe I have had chronic depression for most of my life...or maybe a case of ennui. Who knows? I do know I have felt 'empty' a lot of the time. That would be the closest way I can come to describing a good portion of my life. I have neither been happy or sad, just have existed. Even after The Husband died, I haven't really fallen into the depths of depression that I probably/possibly should have...I've just felt empty and experience a sense of 'ennui.'

Now, this isn't really as bad as it may sound. I could also describe a good portion of my life as comfortable. While I may not have had a lot of excitement and extreme passion, I have been content. There is a fine line between being comfortable/content and 'ennui.' If you're comfortable/content, you are satisfied with how things are. If you are experiencing ennui, you want more. And maybe that's just what it is for me:  Comfortable and content...satisfied. Maybe I don't have chronic depression after all. Something to ponder...

RIP...And The Important Word Is PEACE

I read the obituaries every day. Actually, I read two sets of obits...the ones where I live now and the ones from my hometown. I have to read the ones from back home, as there is no one to let me know if anyone I am acquainted with has passed. Sadly, I fully expect to READ a relative's name before being TOLD by a family member, first. This is one of the first activities I do after turning on the computer every day.

When reading the obits, I focus on a couple of things: Age and cause of death. Obviously, as one gets older, the age someone dies becomes more relevant. And the cause of death hits close to home, especially after The Husband's passing. And this makes me ponder...

So many people die because of cancer. So many obits mention a person's 'courageous battle' against this horrible disease. And I really can't relate, as The Husband went so quickly after his diagnosis. There was nothing we could do to 'fight' the cancer...it was too far along and he had too many other health issues. And, God forgive me, I think I am grateful.

Before anyone thinks too poorly about me, let me explain. First, after his diagnosis, he was hospitalized rather quickly. He was coming up on the completion of his second year of dialysis and things were not going as well as they should have. His access sites were not cooperating...he was in and out of the hospital having his chest wall graft 'fixed' far too many times and he was trying to heal from having a perma-cath placed, once again. The last day of dialysis at the dialysis center, found him having to be sent to the hospital because his blood pressure had bottomed out, once again. This was an on-going problem for the last days of his life and he didn't get a full dialysis treatment for over a week before he passed. I do believe this hastened his death. How much the cancer had to do with any of this, who knows.

I know--to a certain degree--what some people go through while in cancer treatment. I cannot imagine how difficult life would have been for us if he had started chemo. With two very serious illnesses, one would constantly be interfering with the other. He would have had to do dialysis right before chemo so that the dialysis wouldn't clear all of the drugs from his system before they could actually DO anything for the cancer...and then he would have to go and have his blood 'cleaned,' again. So, there would have been no rest for him, at all, as he was having dialysis three times a week. The week he was home between the diagnosis and his being sent to the hospital, was extremely depressing for us both. He was used to being able to go out-and-about whenever he wanted and having the weakness that he did was very hard on him. I don't know how much he could have taken...or WOULD have. I think there would have been a time when he would have just stopped treatment altogether; I remember when he started dialysis and he talked about people who quit, and he said he understood.

I have to keep myself from feeling guilty...I know that I helped hasten his death with decisions I made. At the end, he was not coherent enough to make any medical decisions and I had to use my power of attorney to decide what was to be done. I finally had to say 'enough.' Just before he was sent to hospice care, his perma-cath was removed...this meant no more dialysis. This also meant only--at most--two more weeks of life. As he was so weak, he passed in less than 24 hours, peacefully. I HAVE to keep telling myself that I did what was best for him. Thankfully, The Daughters were on board with all decisions and we made them together.

We all make choices every day...some are easier than others. Not everyone has to decide when someone is to live or die, thankfully. It is something that isn't forgotten...

Year One...

I have begun my weekend of self pity a little bit early. At first, I thought this was only going to happen on Sunday, but things change...

On Sunday, The Husband and I would have celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary. We would have been making plans to go out and eat and I would have been anticipating what piece of jewelry he would have bought for me this year. Mostly, our anniversary celebrations were very quiet...just the two of us going out to eat. We had never had a party, even for the 'milestone' anniversaries. I always anticipated the possibility of having a big blow-out for our 50th, but that is not going to happen.

I will now spend our anniversary by myself, thinking of what was and what never will be. I will indulge in junk food eating and way too many sweets. I will feel very sorry for myself and continuously ask, "Why me?" I will cry. And I will feel totally justified in my feelings.

On Monday, I will resume my life and get back to the 'new normal.' This is the first year without The Husband and it will be the hardest. I'm thinking that every year from now on will be just a little easier than the year before...at least, I hope so.

And Your Mother's Aunt's Middle Name Is...

Last week, I renewed my subscription with SiriusXM. I wasn't going to do it because I'm not in the car all that much these days, but I now can stream it through my Bose, so I said, "What the hell." I was able to negotiate the same price as last year, so I thought that was fine. As a bonus, I received an Amazon Echo Dot for free. I didn't know this was going to happen until I got the email, so I ordered the thing. This was the first of it's kind in my house. I only use "Okay Google." on my phone very, very infrequently and have never used any other device such as this to 'connect.' To me, it just seemed as if you are BEGGING to have your privacy invaded. And so, the Echo Dot sat on my counter for a week...I just didn't know if I was going to keep it or give it away. Last night, I finally 'connected.' I'm going to give it a go and see what I think...I really don't know if my privacy can be compromised any more than it already has been. And this goes for EVERYONE'S privacy, as well. Here goes 'the rest of the story...'

A 'shirt-tail' relative posted this on Facebook**: 'I'm sitting at Starbucks, crowded with people. A couple of tables away from me were two people, talking loudly between each other, making phone calls, talking on the phone with clients. I am not eavesdropping, but I hear every single word they say. They were loud. One of them, on the phone with a client, asked the client for his/her SSN. He repeats every--EVERY--digit OUT LOUD: xxx-xx-xxxx. Then he repeats it again, out loud, to "make sure I got it correctly."' 

This lady lives in New Jersey, but frequents the New York City area...I have no idea just where this incident took place. Suffice it to say, there was a HUGE breach of privacy here. My question is:  How many times a day does something like this happen? I guess it isn't JUST Facebook, Google, Apple, etc, etc, putting us at risk...looks as if those we 'trust' with our information are just as bad about protecting us.

I'm not as concerned about Amazon 'stealing' my privacy...I don't think I have any left for ANYONE to steal!


**I edited what was posted on Facebook for clarity and punctuation.

More Politics!?!?

I know I said I don't like to get too political on this blog, but I just can't help it. One of the very prominent political issues that The Husband and I shared with great enthusiasm, is the denying of climate change/global warming. And here I go...

To begin, I DON'T believe we are put here on Earth to 'rape and plunder.' I very proudly voted for the deposit tax on beverage bottles/cans to be reinstated in this state. I find it a pain in the ass to bring them back to the store, so I give them to The Oldest and, as a family, they save the money to help pay their way at the county fair each year. I have seen how much bringing cans back to the store has helped this state; the amount of debris on the sides of the roads and in wilderness areas is minuscule, compared to what it used to be. It is a good thing. I support common sense solutions to keeping the Great Lakes clean and usable. I don't care for too much cutting of the trees here...again, common sense solutions. Just some of what I believe in.

And then we have some things that really get under my skin...

The wetlands reclamation (or whatever it is called) is ridiculous. Because some construction, at some time, happened to 'destroy' some wetland (read that as 'swamp') here in the city, new wetlands had to be built. Within one mile of me, I now have FOUR swamps. (Could actually be more, but sometimes they hide them.) I don't ever remember the amount of mosquitoes that we have now...all at a time when more diseases are being spread by the critters. There are people I know, that have property, that are not allowed to have roads because they would disturb the wetlands. One couple wanted to make their camp a permanent home, but without easy access, they can't do it...it remains a summer escape, nothing more. I don't understand this. We also have a ban on the killing of grey wolves because they are protected.** That was all well and good when it was passed, but now the population is to the point where they have to kill livestock to sustain themselves. Again, some of this stuff needs to have common sense applied to it.

So, I can see the reasons for some regulations/concerns and not see some others. (The above is just a smattering of climate/environmental issues that I have opinions about. 😁) That being said, I have a REAL problem with this entire climate change hysteria going on now. And here we go...

I'm so old that I remember being inundated with the 'facts' about how we were entering into a new ice age. I remember thinking about how far south I would eventually be living...and, at the time, I LOVED warm weather and was a happy little camper thinking of living 'down south.' NOW they're telling me that I have to move even farther north in order to escape the rising temperatures. I also remember how the population of Earth would grow so large that there would be massive famine, at all times, around the world, and here in the US. We were told that the population couldn't be sustained and that people would be dying in massive quantities. We weren't supposed to be able to grow enough food to feed the world. Well, one thing is true, we are told that the famine is STILL coming because of over population...it just didn't happen by the turn of the century as I was told. In 2007 (and this was The Husband's favorite story against global warming/change) the Great Lakes were at an 'all time' record low. Basically, we were told that they were drying up and IF they were to recover, it would take decades. A few years later, the levels recovered to 'normal' and this year, all of the Great Lakes have record high levels. Hmmm...

I believe there is a changing in the climate, but it is something that has happened over and over and over again, as long as the Earth has been here. While some of what we have seen (pollution, for example) is man-made, the majority of what is screamed at us is just cyclical and usual. We don't have records from 2000+ years ago, so we can't know if what is happening NOW happened then.

While I might not live long enough to see it, I think there will be a 'what were we thinking' moment in the future. Coal-fired power plants--such as where The Husband worked--are being dismantled and power plants using alternate fuel are being built. We now have natural gas fueled plants here...all supposed to provide cheaper electricity for us. And when EVERYTHING is using natural gas, just how much will the price of the fuel rise? And how much will our 'cheaper' electricity cost then? We also have a 'solar garden' to help provide electricity to our city. Works well enough in the summer, but the six months of the year when we have/can have snow, it doesn't work so well. (I know how 'well' this works because The Husband 'bought' some solar panels and I get 'credit' on my electric bill from the power generated from my panels. Even in the middle of the summer, I get no more than a $10 credit per month...in the winter, at the most, it is a few cents. All of this on a $100+ bill.) Solar, at this time, is NOT a solution where the sun doesn't shine for days, weeks, even months, at a time. And I won't even get into the problems with wind power.

There is NOTHING wrong with exploring other means of doing things. We can look into alternate fuel sources for power...and look at different, alternate ways to grow food. I have no problem with doing things differently, in theory...it's just when scare tactics are used to try and FORCE drastic change, very quickly, that I have problems. We are told we MUST change our ways of doing things, yet those who are screaming the loudest are doing more 'damage' to the environment than the normal people are. I don't fly private jets around the world or live in a McMansion (or bigger) house, so my gas/electric/water consumption is, at the most, comparable to what the majority use. I DO have a smaller-sized SUV, but for me, it is a necessity so that I can get around during the snow months, especially. (We have minimal public transportation here, so private ownership of a vehicle is close to being 'must have.') I would make changes if it was PROVEN that it is necessary, but I haven't seen the proof. (I can bring up as many articles 'proving' my opinion as anyone on the other side of this issue can cite. Statistics, to me, only prove whatever YOU want them to prove. The way they are presented can show whatever 'facts' the presenter wants.)

Anyway, when ALL the facts are ultimately presented/believed, I have to wonder just how much support this will get from the young 'uns. It is an inconvenient fact that they will have to give up a lot more than us old timers will. I remember a time when there was no internet, cell phones, cable TV, high school students driving their personal cars to school, certain foods being unavailable during some months, no fast food drive-in restaurants on every street corner, and you get my drift. I don't think a lot of people have thought this through very well...there are a lot of things they will not want to give up. But it isn't only the young ones: How many people are going to give up their cars or their daily Starbucks fix (unrecyclable/non-reusable cups) or their drive to the restaurant because they can't be bothered to fix a meal at home. And what about all of the STUFF we HAVE to have: BIG houses, more clothes than we can possibly wear, cell phones, ear phones, TVs, recreational toys... (So much of what we have uses enormous amounts of energy to build/make. If we can't use energy for 'things,' then we will have to go without.) Not to mention how much this is going to cost...not many people are going to be happy having to pay the taxes necessary to implement the changes being talked about.

In no way am I saying there can't be a conversation...but it HAS to be more than one sided. It has to be open and honest, not just fear mongering. And BOTH sides HAVE to listen to each other. There is much too much screaming and not wanting to hear what the other side has to say...that's not the way to get things done. It would be very easy for me to say 'the sky is falling' and 'this world has had it,' but I've lived through a few of these 'moments' in my time...and we always have seemed to come out okay. I think we might be able to survive this crisis, also.


**I believe we make a lot of things worse, rather than better, when we decide to 'fix problems.' If we let Mother Nature take care of some things, maybe she would have the correct solution and not what WE think is right. For example, pandas. There are those that feel as if we should just let them become extinct...they can't live without aggressive human intervention, so maybe nature just says it's their time to go. A thought, anyway...

The World Is Going Crazy With All This 'Wokeness'

Most of the posts that I do are about personal things. I tend not to get political, or comment on current events. I find this to be a good thing...keeps this blog from blowing up. That is, if anyone actually finds and reads it. 😁 But there are times when I just can't ignore something, and this is one of those times...

Political correctness is killing us. There isn't a thing, anymore, that can be enjoyed without someone telling us we're not allowed to. Whether it's racist, cultural appropriation, misogynistic, etc, there are very few things that someone, somewhere, doesn't call out. It is exhausting just trying to remember what we are, and are not, allowed to say, do, like. While I don't agree with most of this stuff, I DO watch myself...I don't want to 'trigger' or offend anyone. And for the most part, my friends and relatives stay away from this stuff, too. That is why, when someone from The Family shows an absolutely insane opinion about something, it pisses me off. And I have to vent.

A niece posted the link to this article on Facebook...she agreed with it. An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go” My eyes rolled so far in the back of my head that I could see my brain! I don't get it!

The author of this article is upset with a children's book. A book that is in the same vein as a Dr Seuss book. Just a simple little book that teaches children to read. Nothing earth shattering about it and not much of a story line, but simple readers don't really have much of a story line. (Remember 'Dick and Jane?') The one possible story line in "Go Dog, Go" involves a female dog asking a male dog if he likes her hat. He doesn't like any of them until she wears a 'party hat.' Simple, innocent. But someone got her panties in a bunch over this.

The article is upset because the female dog is displaying a "heart-wrenching struggle for approval." I guess the female dog's self worth is all tied up in the male dog's approval. WHERE do these people get these ideas? The female dog asks, "Do you like my hat?" The male dog answers, "I do not like that hat." And she walks away. Where in that exchange does her self worth come into play? I just don't understand this way of thinking!

When this PC culture has taken over EVERYTHING, including simple children's stories, I think it's time to just rein things in a bit. It seems as if far too many people wake up every morning with the thought "Just WHAT can I be offended by today?" Take a deep breath, walk away, and leave it alone. "Go Dog, GO" isn't going to bring down any progress the feminists have achieved...it's JUST a children's book!


***I KNOW that the author put a little postscript at the end of the article, labeling this as 'satire.' I read a few other things she wrote and she seems to agree with at least some of her satirical opinions. Even if she wrote this without believing ANY of what she said, there are way too many people who would applaud this as 'wokeness' and complete truth. It IS a crazy world these days...

A Day in the Life

I am slowly getting used to the new normal. Some days are busier than others and some days I do absolutely nothing. It works. Today, I was out-and-about, so time moved a bit quicker than normal. I actually am thinking about getting ready for bed here and it is not even 9:30! Yeah, life has changed...

For whatever reason, I woke up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried, but my body said 'NO,' so I started to move around by 8:00. I made coffee, turned on the computer, emptied the dishwasher, and got all of the kinks out that I could. The older I get, the harder it is to just get up and running after sleep...my muscles atrophy overnight, I believe. I think if I stayed in one position for more than four hours straight, I would just turn to stone. Age has plenty of disadvantages.

While I drank my coffee and ate breakfast--and I can't for the life of me remember what I ate--I read my email and the news headlines. (THAT will give you heartburn in a mighty hurry...thankfully, I take Prevacid every morning!) I putsied around the interwebs for a bit--Twitter, Facebook, etc--and then went to shower.

I started out early enough today, so I was able to be very leisurely about getting ready to go out. I had a hair appointment across town and got there in plenty of time. After I had my hair 'did,' I went to the produce store on that end of town. They have as many local items as they can, and if not local, at least grown in the state. I have had good luck with the produce from there...it seems to stay fresh longer than what I get in the grocery stores. For the first time, I bought cotton candy grapes. I found them to be quite good and they did remind me of cotton candy. I think what I like best was the lack of tartness that green grapes usually have...these were quite sweet and mild. I also bought some peaches and I will be interested to see how happy I am with them. I usually buy nectarines, so we'll see.

Also, since I was on that end of town, I stopped at our local pet store. This is not your ordinary pet store, however. They not only cater to household pets, but they have what you might need for your horses and other grain eating animals. They have gardening supplies and whatever is needed to feed any outdoor critters. The place has almost a warehouse atmosphere and has been a staple in our town for quite a few years. As winter is fast approaching, I decided it was time to start stockpiling food for my winter critters. The Youngest and her husband gave me a galvanized garbage can that they no longer need, so I have a great place to store what I buy. I figure I'll get a little at a time and have more than enough to get through the first part of the winter, anyway.

I am doing a little more of this type of 'running around' as time goes on. These are the kinds of things that The Husband and I would do together, so it is an adjustment to do these on my own. It is nice to be in a small city, however, as I don't feel 'alone' when I'm in these stores. The people working in them are so nice and sweet that I want to take them all home with me! It's nice to see that there still are some businesses that like to take good care of their customers.

When I got home, I put my purchases away and got into more comfortable attire. (I'm relying on my slippers a little too much these days.) I had grapes for a snack while watching a hockey game and that pretty much brought me to this point. Nothing earth shattering, just a pleasant day running a few errands in a leisurely fashion. I can do days like this.

More On Being Alone...The Parent Dilemma

The Mother passed about a year and a half ago. I don't know if I ever thought she would go first and I didn't think she would go at the age of 80...just seemed too soon. However, as I told many people, she really hadn't been herself for a couple of years, so she 'left' some time before her death. It really hurt that we weren't able to get back to being as close as I would have liked after our estrangement, but, life goes on. Her and The Father had just celebrated their 64th anniversary.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that The Father was having some medical issues. These 'spells' he was having were similar to what he was experiencing before it was determined that he needed a pacemaker, which he had done a few months back. Things seemed to be going well and then this...

He has been through a battery of tests and emergency room visits and appointments with his primary care doctor, all with the conclusion of "we can't find anything wrong." Yet, he still insists 'something' isn't right. The Oldest Daughter and one of my nieces said that they think he has 'given up' and has lost his zest for life. Very possible.

There are two things that could be happening here and I completely understand both. First, I think it is next to impossible to get the medical community to understand what you are going through...especially as one ages. I know that I can't explain my aches and pains in a way that doctors have been taught to understand. The terminology, for one, is so different between 'medical-ese' and 'normal' language, that it is next to impossible for one group to understand the other. While The Father is far from stupid, he still doesn't have the command of the language that someone else might have. He doesn't use the internet, at all, and really doesn't venture outside of his comfort zone when it comes to reading or what he watches on TV, so he probably isn't communicating in a great fashion. But even though I think I might have a better command of the language than he does, I find that I can't make myself understood either. And the way I explain this is here:  Think of the 'pain chart' with the emojis that you see in a medical setting or the pain scale of 1-10 in how much pain you're in. Do either one of these really represent what you are going through? And what if the pain you are feeling is intermittent? And what if what you are feeling is in no way a 'textbook' response to what a doctor might expect? (I don't have textbook symptoms with a lot of my medical issues, so what do they do with me?) It is very difficult to talk to some doctors and until they are given a lot of instruction about dealing with older people, I don't know that things will improve.

The second thing that could be going on is that he possibly is 'giving up.' And I so understand this. Feeling as if there really is nothing more to live for, isn't a death wish...it isn't a suicidal tendency. When your soulmate...The Father's of 64 years, mine of 45 years...is gone, especially when you are retired and 'left alone,' there really feels as if there is nothing left for you. You can keep yourself busy and do things, you can be with people and be happy with them, but it isn't the same. You have thought of yourself as 'we' for the majority of your life and now it is a non-existent thing. You really wonder what your worth is and if you even want to put forth effort to find out if there is any worth left in your life. Everyone else's life continues as normal for them (which it absolutely SHOULD) but your life is irreparably altered. And this is something NO ONE can understand until they have gone through it themselves. So, if he is feeling as if he wants to give up, I understand.

Now, for a solution to The Father's issues...  I don't know what to say about the medical thing. He is very opposed to anyone talking to a doctor on his behalf...and I'm not sure it would do much good anyway...especially if it is a communication issue. He doesn't feel as if it is anyone else's business what goes on at the doctor's office and this is something that we can't do anything about. (If you ever heard that Finn's are stubborn, then you KNOW what dealing with The Father is like.) So, until something is measurably wrong with him, he will continue to 'not feel well.' As for the being alone thing...if he could be talked into going into a senior citizen apartment complex/facility, I think he would have many, many happy years ahead of him. The activities and people would keep him busy and he would have someone around at all times so that he wouldn't/couldn't wallow in any self pity. BUT, this would have to be suggested in a way that he thought it was his own idea..not something that is an easy thing to do. So, until The Family can come up with a solution, this is life as we know it...at least, for now.


***Before anyone gets worried, I am NOT suicidal or wanting to die! It hasn't even been a year for me, so I still am trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. I still grieve and I still wallow...it is a process, one I am dealing with. One, three, or five years from now, I may look back at this post and wonder how I could have felt this way...one never knows. I live one day at a time for now, and that is more than I could hope for.

Watching The Neighbors

There are two apple trees in the yard behind the main part of my property. (I have a lot and a half, which my house sits on.) One of the trees is completely dead and the other is half dead. It is my belief that the Virginia Creeper vines are what killed the tree, but I'm not sure. But, that really is beside the point. Anyway, these trees have been at one stage of dying off for quite a few years. They are on the other side of the fence and don't really bother me...they are of no hazard to me or my yard. Actually, I like having them there because they provide a place for birds to sit and they get an awful lot of activity from woodpeckers. A couple of days ago, I heard a chainsaw...

When I'm in the computer room, it is difficult for me to figure out what direction a noise is coming from. (It doesn't help that I have hearing loss and don't wear my hearing aids at home, usually. 😆) Once I got to the kitchen, I looked out and saw that the dead apple tree was being trimmed/taken down. As I watched, it occurred to me that the person doing the cutting probably wasn't very qualified for the job. He was a young guy, no older than early thirties. He was wearing shorts, but had 'chaps' on, covering the front part of his legs. He was wearing sneakers. He had no gloves on or goggles...nothing safety-related, unless the chaps were. He had an extension ladder to climb up into the tree, but had problems with it. At one point, he took the two pieces of the ladder apart, but the remaining section wasn't long enough for him to get to where he needed to be. Then he tried to put the pieces back together, but I really don't think he knew how to do it...it didn't go together properly, but he still was determined to use it to climb on. He continued to try and place the ladder so that it wouldn't shift once he was on it...but he wasn't having much luck. When I saw him go up the ladder while holding onto a chainsaw, I had to leave and go into the other room. I got far too nervous seeing what was happening...and I thought he probably was going to get hurt very badly. By the time I ventured back into the kitchen, the guy was done with what he was doing. I'm not sure if he was okay. However, only the limbs of the tree are gone and the trunk remains. Is he done? Did he HAVE to stop because something went wrong? Will the other tree be trimmed? It all is a mystery. But I'm not too sure he won't be back:  the ladder is still propped on the tree trunk.

Another eventful day in my life. 😁

Observing the Backyard

 

I spend a lot of time watching the wildlife in my yard. Sometimes I will sit and watch for quite a while, but a lot of what I do is stop as I pass a window and look at what is going on out there. I won't apologize for writing about the critters too often...just be forewarned. 😀 (And every window I looked out of ISN'T pointing toward the backyard...)

--The computer room is on the side of the house, so the window doesn't actually face the backyard. I do, however, have a view of my neighbor's fence and the trees in their yard, two of which are large pine trees that are growing against the fence. I believe the grey catbirds have a nest just on the other side of the fence from where my window is. This summer is the first time I have, to my recollection, seen grey catbirds and it has been quite fun to watch the pair bringing bits of food to the little ones. I haven't seen the young 'uns and haven't seen the adults for a few days, so I'm thinking the nest might be empty. It was fun while it lasted.

--Today I watched the chickadees forage through the pine trees. I'm not exactly sure of what they were looking for...I didn't see what they were eating. It was fun to watch them flit from branch to branch, close enough that I could almost touch them.

--Because the neighbor's have feeders in their yard, the birds use the pines as shelter, so I get to watch a great variety as I sit here at the computer. There are nuthatches, goldfinches, blue jays, wrens, warblers, and so many more. Winter will be a busy time outside of this window...

--The other day, in my backyard, the birds gathered...not sure what was going on, but I had--at the same time--grackles, blackbirds, blue jays, robins, brown thrashers, woodpeckers, red-winged blackbirds. Some were in the trees behind my yard, some were in the feeders, and some were on the ground. I'm not sure when the last time was that I saw such a variety at one time in and around the yard.

--I have a shallow birdbath/bird feeder that was given as a gift from friends. Since they gave it--a couple of years ago--it has been kind of hanging out in the backyard, doing nothing. This summer I decided to relocate it to the front yard and keep it full of water for the summer. The goldfinches have taken a liking to it and drink water when needed. They don't stay long and are very skittish, so it's a joy whenever I get to glimpse that flash of bright yellow in front of the porch.

--The squirrels have been busy, busy lately. I don't know if this means a long, cold winter or if someone in the neighborhood is overfeeding them, but they have been active. I do find them not only burying their peanuts, but they have been moving them around from place to place. And they have found that the turned over soil from the drainage work is a great place to bury what they have. I guess grass seed should be put down sooner rather than later, with the hope that they won't continue digging. But why stop them from having fun...

--Also, the squirrels are doing their annual pruning of the neighbor's oak tree. They are going at it fast and furiously this year...I have quite a number of branches in the backyard. I have never figured out why they do this...they start way too early for them to be gathering acorns and too late for them to be building nests. I would really love to know what their plan is.

--Chipmunks are moving into the yard again...and I no longer have anyone around to trap them. I'm hoping the neighbors will do their part to try and keep them under control...after all, it's them feeding them continuously, every day all year long, that is the major cause of the little rats' existence. I could possibly become friends with one of the 'mountain men' and see if they want to have any chipmunk pelts...probably too small to be worth it to them. 😆

--I caught something on the backyard camera the other night, but it just moved along the bottom of the range of the camera. It almost looked like a cat, but I don't think it was. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't a skunk, either. I'm thinking it may have been a weasel, possibly a muskrat. I'm not sure what else it could have been...and as small as this critter was, I don't think it would trigger the camera if it walked through the middle of the yard. I'm now wondering if I will have to get a regular critter cam before winter sets in...

--I had a young six-point buck in the yard for quite some time last night. I don't believe he ate any of the apples that have fallen from the neighbor's apple tree. There really aren't enough for anyone to make the effort and come to pick them for their bait pile, so I have no idea what is going to happen to them other than rot on the ground. The lawn guys are going to be dealing with one horrid mess!

--Haven't smelled any signs of skunks recently...which is good. If I knew there were a lot, then the chances would be good that my yard is being overrun by grubs...something that would need to be taken care of. I have only seen one on-camera and that was only because I was doing a look-see and happened to catch it in the backyard. They are much too small to set off the motion detection, so I have to catch them at just the right time. I really don't need them to set up housing under the storage shed like the did a few years back.

Alone Can Be Nice

While I have done a little lamenting about being alone, there really are some nice things about only having yourself to worry about.

Today, I had every intention of washing clothes. I got side tracked by other things and decided the wash could wait one more day. Now THAT'S something I can be happy about.

I also like the fact that I don't have to eat on a time schedule. If I want to eat my evening meal at 4:00 PM or at 10:00 PM, it is my choice. I find that I eat when I'm hungry, more often than by the clock. Wasn't always the case when The Husband was here. Also, if I decide to have soup and nothing else for an evening meal, so be it...I definitely don't need to have a four course meal.

If I feel like spending my entire day at the computer, I can do it. I also can spend some time there, walk away, do something else, and go back to the computer without having to worry that whatever I was working on would be a problem for another person. I like being able to leave the computer set at my profile and only having to sign out when I'm ready to close for the day.

It is nice to have several projects going at one time and move from task to task if I feel like it. When I have someone else around, I feel as if I should finish one thing before moving on to the next, but now I don't have to.

Also, if I leave something somewhere, it will still be there when I go to look for it. (If I can remember where I left it in the first place. 😁)

And sleep...I can sleep whenever, wherever, and however I want. It is a freedom that really can only come from living alone after retirement.

So, along with the negatives, there ARE some perks to being along...you just have to know where to find them.

Perplexing

I own the above t-shirt. I had someone ask me, "Understand what?"

I'm not sure if the person has no sense of humor, is dumber than a bags of rocks, or was complimenting me.

Bitter Pills

This is not going to be a feel good post. I just want to warn any readers ahead of time.  

Recently, there have been several stories in the news that have put me in a not-so-good state of mind. I HATE feeling this way...I am not a hateful person...I am not a jealous person...I am not ugly.

Alec Trebec, a somebody with lots of money, age 79, has been treated for pancreatic cancer, and is doing very well, might even be cured. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a somebody with money, age 86, has been treated for pancreatic cancer for the second time, and is doing very well, might even be cured. My husband, a regular person with not much money, age 64, died from pancreatic cancer that had metastasized, and no one really went out of their way to try and cure him. To say I'm a bit pissed, is putting it mildly.

I won't say that my husband's care was sub par. He had other issues, along with the cancer, but I can't help but feel as if he would have had more aggressive treatment if we were 'somebodies' with a lot of money. Instead, he lingered for two weeks in the hospital with the doctors, basically, doing everything BUT work on the cancer. If I let myself, I could be very, very bitter.

It also hurts to see people so very much older than my husband, getting the aggressive care he didn't get. AND it isn't as if at least one of the two people I mentioned is in peak health...Ginsburg has pretty much been at death's door a few times and she's gotten top health care to pull her through. It hurts.

I probably could have gotten through the 'cured' stories if I wouldn't have seen the story* about kidney transplant studies that just came out. The study says that ten people, who have been offered a kidney for transplant and didn't get it, die every day here in the US. The bottom line from the study is that transplant centers are too choosy about accepting kidneys and will refuse donated ones because they aren't 'perfect.' And so, people die before getting transplants. I can't help but wonder if, and how many, kidneys my husband COULD HAVE had, but they were turned down by the transplant center. If he had been transplanted, he quite possibly could have lived a very full, non-dialysis life for three years...instead of what he went through. And could his cancer have been caught early enough to be treated? There are so many 'what ifs'...

These are dark thoughts...something I have to get through. I will wallow for a bit and then let it go. Sometimes you HAVE to wallow and be bitter, just so you can work through the emotions...it can be a big part of healing. I will work through this and come out the other end and be in a better place. My faith won't let me think I know better than God as to how things were to work out...I know He has/had a reason for things to go the way they did. I just wish He would let me in on the secret...

*Here is a link to the story about the transplants: https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/917499#vp_1

Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

As we age, we will all face the inevitable...having to find a new doctor. And it isn't fun...

The first doctor I lost was my GYN. He had delivered The Youngest and kept me as a patient until he retired. We were very close in age...he was a couple of years older than me...and we had a great rapport. I would go in for my annual physical and we'd sit and talk 'computers' for the first half of the visit and THEN get down to the nitty gritty. I STILL miss him and it's been well over 15 years.

The next doctor I had to replace was my primary care/internist. It took us a little while to 'get' each other, but after that, we had a wonderful relationship. I couldn't have asked for a better, kinder, more understanding doctor. He was about 5 years older than me and that helped our relationship, along with him being one of the best diagnosticians ever to wear a white coat! And over 10 years ago, he decided to become a hospitalist and left private practice. That day, I think I actually cried. Since then, I have gone through two more doctors (for primary care) and am now on my third...

I haven't yet seen my new doctor. She just took over my case when the last doctor left, earlier this month. I was happy to hear from other people that she is just great and couldn't wait until my October appointment to meet. That's pretty much been the way things have always happened with new doctors.

Now for a little segue...

I have thyroid issues...hypothyroidism, to be exact. This means my thyroid is underactive and I have been on meds for many years due to this. I regularly go for blood work to make sure everything is being regulated properly. When my 'numbers' are high, I need more meds...and when my numbers are low, the dosage needs to be lowered. Rarely do my numbers drop low enough to lower my dosage...except recently. For some reason, earlier this year, my numbers went WAY low, so I have had my dosage lowered three times in order to get myself back to where I should be. Last Friday it was time for more blood work, to see how I was doing. I was waiting to hear from the nurse at the doctor's office to tell me what my dosage will be for the near future and was anticipating having to make a call to the office to get the results, if they didn't come soon enough. And then I got a surprise...

Yesterday, late afternoon...5:30, to be exact...I got a phone call. It was my new doctor! She called me herself to give me the results* of my blood work and to discuss where we are going from here. She had my chart in front of her and we talked about what we'll need to discuss at my next appointment and what blood work I need to have done beforehand. I was absolutely gobsmacked! Rarely do doctors make their own calls, especially for something as routine as thyroid results, so I was very pleased. She was so very nice and pleasant...I think this is one doctor I will be able to work with! Fingers crossed... (She is young, so I hope she'll stay here for a good long while!)

*My numbers are still a little on the low end, so I need a bit of a lower dose. Instead of changing the dosage completely and dramatically, the doctor now has me on a full pill six days a week and a half pill one day. We'll make additional adjustments in October if there is a need...

Home Sweet Home

The first thing we did after The Husband retired, was build a new house. The house we were in was old, had been moved from one location to where it was when we bought it, and needed a lot of work done to it. No matter how much money we would have sunk into the place, it still would have been an old house that had been remodeled...and it still would have had some of the same problems. The biggest problem was the damp/wet basement that had a very low ceiling. There really wasn't much we could have done to fix that, so we tore the old place down and had a new house put on the same lot. We did this in anticipation of future age and health problems. We wanted a house with no stairs--or a minimal amount. And this was done nicely...there are only two steps to come into the house and the only stairs of any consequence are the basement stairs. It was very lucky that we built this place, because the health issues came a lot sooner than either of us ever expected. We never could have continued with the upkeep on the old place, and I probably would have had to find a new place to live, had I been in the old house last winter...I don't think I could have managed by myself. All well and good...and costs are kept to a minimum. HA! Owning a home ain't for sissies...or people with no money.

In this part of the country, we get snow. It is expected, it is no surprise. But last winter was one for the books. I had so much snow in the backyard that it was higher than the railing on the deck. The ground was frozen much deeper than usual and that caused a lot of issues in the spring. The snow started to melt a lot faster than the ground thawed, so the water had nowhere to go. My sump pump in the basement did all it could to keep my basement dry, but the water had nowhere to go, so I had water that I never expected. It could have been much worse, but I never dreamed I'd have a wet/damp basement ever again...and it was a big disappointment. As the snow melted, the water table just kept getting higher and higher. The water that the sump pump pumped out, went into the backyard...and it soaked right down into the ground where it drained for the sump pump to expel it back into the yard and on and on. It was a vicious cycle of water recycling...and it would have continued for most of the summer, but we put a hose directing the water to the front of the house and that FINALLY took care of the problem. But, this left me with needing a solution to what might happen NEXT year. So, I called in the plumbers...

Last week the work was done to fix my water issue. The drainage from the sump pump was redirected to a pipe running underground to the front yard and ending in a perforated pipe that should just let the water seep into the ground. I won't know if it takes care of the problem until next spring, but I'm hoping. Of course, this wasn't the entire story...

The plumber noticed where water had leaked from around the sewer pipe going out of the house. This is something we were aware of for a couple of years. The Husband was going to seal it, but never got around to it, so the plumber said he'd take care of it for me. Great! Go for it! When he was down in the basement, I was washing clothes, and he noticed that there was more than a leak that needed sealing. He opened up the sewer pipe and it was cracked inside of the basement wall! YAY! I got to spend even MORE money than I had planned on in the first place! But, it needed to be done, or a very, very big disaster could have occurred within the next couple of years. I am thankful that he was in the right place at the right time and caught the problem early.

I'm also waiting for the gutter guys to come and install gutters on the entire house. Right now, there are gutters over the front porch, but they don't work properly...I'm not convinced that they were installed correctly. Now, the experts are coming in to do the work the right way...just another thing to keep the water away from the foundation, hoping to keep the basement water free. Again, I will have to wait and see if this corrects the problems. I can only hope.

So, as much as I wanted to believe that a brand new house was going to be close to maintenance free as possible, it hasn't happened. I'm not faulting the builder or the sub-contractors or anyone else...it is mainly the fault of Mother Nature and our wanting to build over an underground stream. (I was told there probably is one under the house.) You have to take the good with the bad. I love where I live and will do what needs to be done so that I can stay here. Even though it might continue to cost me...

After This Pause...

I was all set and ready to do a post and I discovered that I was missing A LOT of my bookmarks! I was going to use several sites as research for the post and couldn't find them. For the most part, missing bookmarks might not be that hard to recreate, but these particular ones happened to be connected with my genealogy, and a lot of them were in Finnish. NOT something I could find on my own, again, easily. So, instead of writing a post, I had to find out what happened and where my bookmarks went to...

From what I could figure out, many people have had issues with missing bookmarks, especially after a Chrome update. There doesn't seem to be an easy fix for this and Google doesn't seem ready to admit that there might be a bug, so it was up to me to find my own solution. I don't like messing with my registry or doing too much when it comes to fixing code, so I took the easiest (for me) way, which turned out to be the way that took the most effort. I decided (once I found my bookmark backup folder) to copy each site, individually, and do a new bookmark folder in my browser. Considering I had more than four dozen bookmarks to check out, it took me a bit of time I hadn't planned on spending. I have THAT folder all recreated and now I have to check to see what else is missing. {sigh} Computers can be a big pain in the caboose...but where would we be without them?

I'll get back to the original, intended post after doing what I need to do here around the house...after all, it IS garbage day. What excitement and joy life continues to bring my way! 😁

Morning Bliss

The Husband loved mornings. (We sang 'Morning Has Broken' as the last song at his memorial service.) I never have been a morning person. With my erratic sleep habits/insomnia, it just isn't something I ever considered. However, I certainly wish I was a morning person...

The other morning I went to put mail in the box before 7:00 AM. (Don't ask me what I was doing up at that time. It's better you don't know.) It is unbelievable how peaceful it is at the end of a dead end street at that time of day! And because of the peacefulness, the wildlife feels free to roam. I decided to sit on the front porch and watch what goes on when I usually am sleeping. I found out that there is A LOT of activity.

I've mentioned (many times before) that there is a lot of wildlife in the neighborhood. And I got to see quite a show. Across the street, I saw two bucks, grazing. One of them was probably born last year and it was a 4- to 6-pointer. The other one was a full 6-pointer...it looked like it probably was older, maybe by a year. These two might have been the ones I saw the evening before, but with the amount of deer we have in the neighborhood, I can't be sure. I found it fascinating to see them side-by-side, eating. Very soon, they will probably be competing for the affections of a doe, but right now, they were pals. They wandered around in the neighbor's yard for quite some time and I lost sight of them when they went behind their house. They are lucky that they are 'city deer'...they probably have a very long, healthy life ahead of them.

I almost went into the house after losing sight of the bucks, but a fawn made its way to my neighbor's front yard. It wasn't a 'newborn,' but it definitely was a late birth. It still had spots, but they weren't apparent until it got closer to me. This little one wandered all over the neighbor's front yard and then made its way across the street to my yard. It continued to look for something tasty, but didn't find a whole lot to hold its interest. It didn't make its way to my back yard, where my neighbor's apple tree is dropping its fruit...I'm sure the deer will find them very soon.

After the fawn wandered off, I sat for a bit. The birds were in full voice, filling the air with their songs. I watched two adult cottontails across the street and two young 'uns in my front yard. They leisurely had their breakfast, with no cares in the world. And why should they? The world was quiet and they were safe.