Monday, March 08, 2010

ANOTHER Website I Didn't Need To Find

Chuck Lorre has been part of some very successful sitcoms as a writer, director, or producer. He has been involved with Dharma & Greg, Grace Under Fire, Cybill, Two and a Half Men, and Big Bang Theory. For anyone who watches the final credits, the 'vanity cards' that often appear at the end of the credits are familiar. Unfortunately, they are onscreen for such a short time that they are hard to read without the use of a VCR or DVR, as you need to pause the credits to finish reading. Or there is always the interwebs, where you can find EVERYTHING! Yes, there is a site where all of the 'vanity cards' are and you can read them at your leisure. Go here for some extremely good reading--although, not all are winners, the majority are pretty good. I'm still chuckling over #280--and I will post it here for your enjoyment.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #280

You know you're getting old when... You throw your back out on the toilet. You shave your ears. Your second wife calls your first wife “ma’am.” You're genuinely excited when your prescriptions arrive in the mail. You read the obits in the newspaper to check the ages of the dead people. You read a newspaper. You're bummed out that the smokin’ hot chick from Body Heat now looks like William Shatner in drag. You say “bummed out.” Women your age have real breasts and artificial hips. Masturbation leaves you winded. You try to amuse the kid hooking up your Blu-ray player by telling him about Betamax. You pee in morse code -- dots and dashes -- and have to look down to see when you’re done. Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to switch to during NPR pledge drives. Your doctor says things like, “that’s normal for a man your age” and “consider yourself lucky.” Beneath your chin is what appears to be a neck skin hammock. Beneath your penis is what appears to be two ping pong balls hanging from a flesh-colored bolo tie. You choose your new car because it offers great lumbar support and convenient cup holders. Watching “The Who” perform at the Superbowl made you inconsolably sad. You wonder if the orgasm you're about to have will actually end your life. Your doctor tells you a new medication will reduce the amount of semen in your body and your only response is, “so what.” Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to... oh, wait, I already did that one.

3 comments:

Ranger Tom said...

I can really identify!

Too funny... Thanks for sharing!

ordinaryjanet said...

Now what was I going to say? ;-)

I never noticed those "vanity cards". I'll check out that website!

cmk said...

I have noticed the vanity cards for many years, but have never gotten past the first line or two before they're gone. (Yes, I COULD have just paused the DVR/VCR, but that would have made sense. ;)) I'm glad I'm able to read what I've missed all these years.

Even though the 'you know you're getting old...' was male-based, I certainly identify with way too much of what he wrote.