Retired

Technically, I have been retired for almost three years. But, being a stay-at-home, retirement wasn't/isn't actually a 'thing' for me. The only thing different after retirement was I started getting a paycheck. That is nice, to finally get paid for the work that I do...now that I don't do any work. 😁

I remember telling The Husband that retirement for me wasn't ANYTHING like retirement for him. He left his job and never had to go back. I, on the other hand, stayed and continued my job, I just started to get paid for doing it! For those who always went out into the working world, this is a concept that is impossible to grasp...really.

After retiring...actually, as soon as The Husband retired...I began to 'take it easy.' I didn't cook meals as often as I once did, didn't clean the house as often, either. He did a lot of the grocery shopping and began to help with the cleaning. All of this WASN'T because I decided to quit doing things, though. It began to be more difficult for me to do physical things because of my PsA, so it was a wonderful thing that he could pick up the slack.

I have come to realize how much I relied on the help my husband gave me, both in recent years and in the past. I now have to drive myself most of the time.* If I can't/won't drive to a place, I have to wait until Friday when The Youngest has her day off. I tend to keep more of my pantry items in the kitchen cupboards than I like, just so I don't have to go down in the basement. And 'cleaning DAY' has turned into multiple days. All part of getting older, but I was just getting used to the 'new normal' when The Husband died. ANOTHER thing I have to get used to!

But, back to retirement. We retired early so we could live life. A good sentiment, but it didn't work out that way. The first year took up the building of the house and getting settled. The second year continued with the house, but now it took on the added aspect of taking care of The Husband's health. The third and fourth years were all about dialysis and trips to the hospital to keep his dialysis access points accessible. NOT what we had in mind when he retired.

Early retirement had never been part of the plan for us. But, a couple of things changed. First, the power plant where The Husband worked, became a part of the 'get rid of all coal fired plants' agenda. Every few weeks, there was more news as to what and when things were going to change/happen. It got to where he didn't know how much longer he actually was going to HAVE a job, so it was very stressful...not something you want to face on a daily basis. And then the second reason turned out to be quite ironic...

The Husband's niece, who was only two years younger than us, passed away. That was the day he decided to turn in his retirement papers. He wanted to be able to enjoy retirement and not have to face the health issues she did. A good idea, but it turned out that he didn't have the chance to fully enjoy his retirement because of HIS health issues. I don't like to do the 'Why?' thing, but it does cross my mind sometimes. I don't understand why he couldn't have had a few years for travel and pure enjoyment, but it wasn't to be. And I always will be sad that he couldn't have that small thing before he passed.

I face my 'golden years' alone...another thing that I never thought was going to happen. Retirement...not what I was expecting.

*I never enjoyed driving, even when I was younger. It was a necessity and that was it. I pretty much quit driving when The Husband retired...he loved to drive and would bring me wherever I needed to go and I appreciated it so much! I am re-learning how to drive around our town with all of the changes, but I'm not too sure I will fight it when I finally have to quit. 😊

Fatigue

When I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, it answered a lot of questions for me. Along with the psoriasis, the comorbidities certainly follow along with many of my health issues. While PsA shares a lot of the same symptoms as other forms of arthritis, one thing is more prevalent with PsA, and that's fatigue. Which I have...

I've suffered from different amounts of fatigue practically my entire life. My sleep habits have always been erratic...I never wanted to go to sleep and once I was sleeping, I never wanted to get up. This didn't work well when I was in school, or after having kids. So, fatigue was my constant companion.

It seems as if I 'do' resolutions several times a year. I vow to myself to get on the 'right' track and get better sleep/better nutrition/better exercise, etc. Once again, a few weeks ago I made my vow. While my nutrition didn't get THAT much better, I actually started to be a lot more active. I got my 'active minutes' done and got my 'daily steps' in for a couple of weeks. (Fitbit users will understand...😀) It felt good to have that accomplishment under my belt, but I found out that my knee joint wasn't too happy with me pushing things too far and too fast. It got to the point where I couldn't 'push through' the pain and I had to back things down. DAMN!!! Even my scheduled Cosentyx injection and the CBD oil weren't making things better, so I had to slow down the activity a lot. And I think I regressed...

For the past two weeks I have slowed down to a crawl, in terms of my activities. I do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and move from one room to the next, and that's about it. And the fatigue has set in with a vengeance. This past week, I have slept almost as much as I have been awake...and I still don't have trouble falling asleep when I get comfortable. UGH!

So, what has all of this done for me? Well, for one thing, most of the time I feel as if I'm in a sleep fog...my brain feels heavy, my eyes burn and don't 'feel right,' and my body is achier than usual. Fun times. I'm thinking I'm having a flare and this episode of extreme fatigue will pass, as has happened at other times. I have to believe.

Having health issues is one thing when you have someone with you at all times, but when you are alone, it can be very scary. I'm doing okay here by myself, but only because the house is on one level. I go into the basement when I need to and no more often than that. I had so many plans for the basement, but at this point, they are being put on hold. I wanted to put a sauna down there and set up a craft/sewing room and set up an exercise room, but that isn't happening any time soon. It's enough that my long-term pantry is down there and that the overflow from my kitchen cabinets is there...that is why I have to go down those steps as often as I do. But, I don't go down there voluntarily, as often I thought I was going to. And as the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." And life goes on...

Dream, Dream, Dream

I don't dream...at least, I don't REMEMBER my dreams, usually. When I DO remember them, they're very disjointed and a lot of the time, they cause me to have a very uncomfortable day. It's weird how a dream can linger and make you think about it long after it's over. And it's not as if the dreams I remember are frightening in any way, they just wind up starring people I haven't thought of in quite some time, or a time in my life that's long past. So the other night's dream caught me by surprise...it was very lucid and actually had a story line to it. It wasn't very interesting, but it was so fresh in my mind that I thought about it for a while after waking.

To begin, it started with me talking to a young man, probably a high school senior, about his college plans. I'm not sure where this took place, but the location of my dream very quickly became my house. It was my house, but it WASN'T my house...similar to where I'm living, but not exactly the same. The young man was there, as were my two daughters. They were the age they are now. My childhood dog was there. It was mentioned that he was 38 years old...and he made a mess on the floor. My father came in through the front door and we told him about the dog, who was his companion. The young man was trying to make up his mind as to where he wanted to go to school. He was quite distressed over the fact that all of the dorms were co-ed...he was a staunch Christian and had no interest in premarital sex. Then I looked out of the front window and saw a cardboard box on the snowbank. I was upset that the delivery person put it there instead of at my front door, but when I went to look at it, it was empty and hadn't been a delivery. The mailman (who was walking, not driving the truck) and I started to talk and he was complaining about the numbering of the houses on the street. I explained WHY the numbers changed from 1100s to 1200s in the middle of the street. And that pretty much concluded my dream. Very boring, but it stayed with me.

All day long, I tried to piece together the WHY of this dream. The only part of it that has any connection to my life recently, is the conversation about the street numbers. I had this same conversation a week or so ago with the guy who came to give me the estimate on the gutters for the house. Other than that, there was nothing going on in my life to prompt this dream.

And this got me to thinking about what I HAVEN'T dreamt about over the years:

I was very surprised that I never dreamt of my mother after she died...and I still haven't. For the first part of my life, The Mother and I were close friends..at least I thought we were. Then things happened. For many years, we were estranged and never got back to the closeness we once had. I'm quite disappointed in the fact that I have not dreamed of her...I feel as if this could bring me a sense of closure, in a way. Maybe some day.

I also have not dreamt of The Husband at all. I have not 'felt' his presence in any way, other than with the visits from the cardinals. I don't know if it would comfort me or make me miss him more if my dreams had his presence, so I don't even think about it or try to 'force' him into my dreams. I'm sure it will happen in due time and I will let it come naturally.

There are times when I wished there was a real explanation for why we dream and what they mean. It probably would save me from dwelling on insignificant things...and then again, maybe it wouldn't.

Trying to be Politically Savvy

It is a constant source of annoyance to have people post political stories that are either partially the truth or outright lies. And whether it is a good or bad thing that is posted, it ALWAYS depends on who they like/dislike politically. And I am seeing this from BOTH sides of the political debate.

I don't watch the news and haven't for about ten years or so. It got too difficult to see how stories were formed in a way to advance or destroy a political agenda. I want the NEWS, NOT an opinion piece...unless I'm looking to read an opinion piece. And that's where I still am, today.

Some might wonder how I stay informed if I don't watch the news. Well, I have a computer. The first thing that comes into my inbox every day are news headlines...from THREE different sources. I get headlines from the 'right,' the 'left,' and from the (relatively) 'neutral.' If a story is interesting enough, I go online and read it. If two sources have headlines that are completely the opposite of each other, I go online to read the story. It is surprisingly easy to find 'the rest of the story' if one is so inclined. I know, I know...who would have thunk it, right?

I am completely amazed at how people, who I thought were reasonably intelligent, allow themselves to be blinded by their political agenda. I don't know what the solution to this is--if there even IS one--but it doesn't look well for this country if things continue in this manner. We are in a world of hurt if things don't change soon. I'm not holding my breath waiting...

Round and Round and Round She Goes

Traffic in this town has always been a bit sketchy. Summer brings tourists who haven't a clue as to how to drive on non-interstate/freeway roads. WE know how to drive in our towns and even though it might not be a familiar thing to city folks. And then we get the college students in the fall...better NOT dwell on their driving. Just as they are getting used to how to drive here, the snow starts falling and we are faced with a whole other set of problems. The students have to learn how to drive in the snow and the locals have to remember that snow covered roads can be dangerous! If one can, it is best to stay at home after the first couple of snowfalls, until everyone is used to driving in the snow. 😄

One of the biggest issues in our town, when it comes to traffic, is how to keeps things moving smoothly and safely. The north/south high-traffic corridors run through, mainly, residential areas, so there are numerous cross streets. This means there need to be stop signs, usually for the traffic coming onto the busier road. So, stop signs were put up. That didn't solve whatever issue was present, so MORE stop signs were placed and we had A LOT of four-way stops. When THAT didn't solve problems, then traffic lights were installed and some intersections even got left turn signals. We'll, the powers-that-be decided this wasn't going to work, either...

About five years ago, it was decided to put in a roundabout where the bypass connects the road that leads out of town and the downtown area. What was there was a little bit of a mess, but it was OUR mess and we were used to it. The roundabout actually is too small for this area...the snowplow drivers and big rig drivers are not happy, but it stays. And what do the officials decide to do then? Why build MORE roundabouts, that's what! We now have (or will have...construction is ongoing) somewhere around ten roundabouts (give or take a couple) in the greater area. There are at least two on the highway right in front of the new hospital (and to make it even better, there is one in the parking lot!) and they are constructing two (three?) on the business corridor coming into town. For good measure, there are three or more scattered throughout the town. Fun times!!! I don't particularly LIKE to drive, so having to learn something so foreign at this late date is not what I look forward to. ACK!

Today, I decided to conquer the roundabouts! I had business to take care of around town and decided to do it on my own, instead of relying on The Youngest. To get where I was going, quickly and easily, required me to go through THREE roundabouts...and I DID IT! I may be proud of myself (which I am) but it doesn't mean that I will be zipping through these things on a regular basis. I will continue to try and find the easiest, least traffic-laden route to get to where I'm going, even if it means a longer trip. But, I now know I can do the roundabouts if I really must. A nice, feel-good accomplishment.

Sources of Amusement

The left side of my property

The right side of my property

Across the back of my property, I have a wooden fence, which we put up before buying the half-lot next to us. The half-lot has a chain link fence, which is my neighbor's. The squirrels use the tops of the fences as a high speed, super highway...a way to get from one yard serving peanuts, to wherever they hide said nuts. As the summer rolls along, the Virginia creepers begin to take over the wooden fence--courtesy of another neighbor's yard--and grapevines take over the chain link fence. This doesn't really bother me, as the green is a nice contrast to the fences. One thing I DO enjoy, however, is how this greenery affects the squirrels...

One day I was looking out of the back window when I saw a squirrel running to get to its hidey-hole. Run, run, run...slow down and detour up into the trees in order to avoid the grapevines and back to the fence. Then, run, run, run until getting to the Virginia creeper...slow down, climb DOWN the fence, creep along (while clinging to the side,) climb back up and continue its journey. I thought this was a one-time thing, but as I continued to watch day after day, I realized the squirrels all do this in order to avoid the greenery. I find this absolutely fascinating and funny at the same time. I will never NOT be amazed at how the critters adapt to their environment, no matter WHAT gets in their way!

More Transitions...

We all, throughout our lives, have fleeting moments when we think "What if...?" Not that we dwell on these things, but thoughts do cross our minds. As we go through life with our mates, we can think in terms of:  What if there is an affair; What if we divorce; What if there is a death?

After The Mother died and with The Husband's health issues, it did cross my mind that I may be left a widow. I ALWAYS shook off those thoughts, because frankly, I thought I would go first. (I never thought I could handle being alone.) Imagining myself alone was murky...I couldn't really get a handle on how it would work. One thing I never could imagine is what my being a widow would be like with my relationships with other people.

We didn't have a lot of close friends. With his work schedule, it was very difficult to get together with people that had 'normal' jobs. There were three couples that we socialized with on a semi-regular basis. One was a couple from our church. THAT didn't last all that many years, as he divorced her and 'we' didn't socialize with her and her (now) long-term companion. She and I are still BFFs. The second couple was made up of a guy we went to school with and a woman who came to be one of my BFFs. And the third couple consists of my husband's best friend from the Navy and a woman I grew up with, graduated with, and had as my maid-of-honor. She is still my dearest BFF. These are dear friends that will be there for me, I know, but the relationship has changed.

Consider being in a roomful of married couples...and you are a widow. No one treats you any differently from how they have ever treated you, but you don't feel the same. You can see everyone else has another person to stand beside, to go home with, to talk to, to be with. You are alone. Completely and utterly alone, in every sense of the word. You KNOW your children are there for you, your closest friends are there for you, but it is still going to be you by yourself when everyone else is gone.*

The first time you get this sense of COMPLETE aloneness is shortly after the funeral. For some days, you will have people call or stop in, just to see how you're doing. And gradually, everyone else gets back to their lives, which they SHOULD do. But that is when you know what loneliness is. You find that you can go days without talking to another person or hearing another voice other than what is on the TV or radio or computer. You may still interact with others via social media, but it isn't the same. It is part of your new way of living.

And then there is the flip side of the coin: For days you don't WANT anyone to contact you, to 'make sure you're fine,' to worry about you. You want to be self sufficient, whatever that means. You almost hunger for the loneliness as a penance for being the one who lived, when the other embraced life so much more than you did. Why were YOU spared when your spouse was the one who "loved his life."

As I write these posts, I know this is just me venting my feelings. This is what would be said if I was in therapy, which I don't need. This is NOT depression, just things that need to get out. Writing is my outlet, always has been, so I've decided to start blogging again, at least for the near future. Will I continue when I have let go of all I need to? Who knows? But for now, this is what is needed in my life...


*I in NO WAY fault my children or friends for not contacting me every day. That is NOT how these things work. Everyone needs to have their own lives and I need to get on with mine, by myself. This is the way it has been done, is being done, and will be done...

Signs...

I have posted often about the wildlife I enjoy watching here. My house is smack dab in the middle of our little city, but it feels very much like I'm in a much more rural area. The house is at the end of a dead end street which is next to a bike path that goes through a woodsy part of town. A lot of very old trees are in the neighborhood and thanks to neighbors who put out food every day, we get a lot of wild animals. The good: birds of ALL kinds, whitetail deer, grey squirrels. The middle-of-the-road good: red fox, raccoons. The not-so good: chipmunks, black bear, coyotes, skunks. I've learned to live with all of them, from the 'we will eat ALL of what you plant' to the 'watch out when you go out at night' critters, and delight in having them around.

Quite a number of years ago, I first saw a pair of cardinals at the feeders. The offspring (I don't think the original pair has lived THIS long 😉) continue to come to the feeders and brighten up the backyard, especially during the winter months. After building this house, it took some time for the birds to trust enough to come back to the feeders and the last of the birds to come were the cardinals. Every time they showed up was a welcome sight.

The dead of winter is not necessarily the most joyful time. Last year, weather wise, was extremely difficult. Snow, snow, snow, and more snow left me wondering WHAT to do about the house: Do I have someone come and shovel the snow off of the roof? Is it okay to leave that much on the roof? These were decisions I NEVER had to make on my own...The Husband ALWAYS took care of the house/outdoor work, so I just wallowed in my ignorance. Now, it was all up to me...

The Husband's birthday was on 4 January...just two weeks after his death. I sat at the table and watched the feeders that were placed near the deck. It wasn't a happy day for me...I was feeling very much alone and very sad. I missed my husband, terribly. I didn't know if I could make it on my own and didn't know if I WANTED to. And then, for the first time that winter, a cardinal came to the feeder. He sat and ate for some time and I KNEW it was a sign, telling me everything will be okay. So many feels from such a simple thing!

Last week I had to do some more on-my-own-adulting...didn't want to, HAD to. With last winter being as bad as it was, the (NOT GREAT) solution to where the sump pump drained, proved beyond a doubt that something needed to be done. I finally had to get someone over to give me an estimate on how to fix the problem...and (not surprisingly) the fix was what I wanted done in the first place. (I won't place the blame at ANYONE'S feet for the oopsy. 😁) While home repairs are a pain, having to pay big bucks on a brand new house is even a bigger annoyance. Something DOES need to be done and I had to make a decision before we start getting snow...which could be any day now. Just after the tech left the house after giving his proposal, I looked out of the window...there, sitting in the pouring rain, was a cardinal. I knew this was a sign that the decision I was about to make was the correct one. (I did also make another decision last week. I have decided to have gutters installed on the house...and I DIDN'T get the 'cardinal sign' that I made the right choice. Gutters on the house was one thing that The Husband and I disagreed on very, very much. Hopefully, I am right on this one. 😊)

So, to conclude this rambling and somewhat disjointed post: Comfort comes in many forms. We are not really alone if we are open to seeing what God will reveal to us. And things will get better...

Going From We To Me

In today's world, it isn't all that unusual for a person to be part of a 'couple' one day and be 'alone' the next. That's just the way things are. But for me, going from 'we' to 'me' has been quite an experience. I was married for 45 years and then The Husband died. And it pretty much was THAT quickly...

The Husband had been diagnosed with his kidney disease almost 15 years ago. We found out in 2015 that the disease was no longer stable and that dialysis and/or kidney transplant was coming sooner rather than later. For two years, he did his three-times-a-week dialysis...and he did very well. Except for the crap kidneys, he was quite healthy. We had every hope that he would get a new kidney in the near future. Then things changed...

About a year ago, he just wasn't himself, and things got worse from there. We all thought he was just having more symptoms of his kidney disease until he said "Enough!" and went to his PCP to be checked out. After some testing, it was determined that he had a bad gallbladder and needed surgery. The trouble is, the day of the surgery, his blood work showed that there was more going on. He was in the hospital the last week of November and came home with a diagnosis of liver cancer that had metastasized from the pancreas. We were in a state of shock!

The Husband was home for about 10 days and wound up back in the hospital. Less than two weeks later, he died. Dying on 22 December didn't make for a very good Christmas last year, to say the least.

So, I went from 'we' to 'me', just like that. I am negotiating life as best I can. I have had to go back to being as independent as I had to be while The Girls were growing up. (With The Husband working shift work his entire career, I needed to do A LOT of independent thinking with raising the girls.) I'm eight months into this new way of life and it is becoming second nature to me...I think. I muddle on through the best I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There probably are more surprises in my future and I can only hope they are GOOD ones.

Being Equal

I know that this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but that is what it is...MY OPINION.

Every day/week/month we have another day/week/month for a special group.  Usually, this involves a lot of pissing and moaning about how this group is not equal.  The thing is, EACH group is 'not equal' to a different group.  My profile makes me 'not equal' to some others, just as most--if not all--of us, in one way or another.  The biggest difference between me and some of these other 'unequals' is this:  I don't demand to be equal.  I am what I am, the world is the way it is, and it is up to me to do something about my situation if I want it to change.  And that 'something' ISN'T DEMANDING special treatment.

At one time, if someone wanted to make something of him/herself, all that person needed to do was work to make it happen.  That opportunity hasn't disappeared...people just find it much easier to be handed things rather than work for them.  When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be a doctor.  For me, it would have been extremely difficult to achieve.  I am female, I am only a 2nd generation American, my parents were neither wealthy or influential, and I grew up and lived in a very rural area.  No one in my family ever went to college, so I had no guide to how or what to do to get there.  I knew virtually nothing about college life or living in a city.  It was almost impossible for me to become what I wanted.  ALMOST impossible, but there would have been a way.  I could have sought out someone who had already been to college and find out what I needed to do to get there.  I could have worked harder in school and been awarded scholarships to attend school.  I could have done everything in my power to make my dream a reality, if I would have worked at it.  And if I had wanted it enough, I KNOW it would have happened.  I just didn't want it enough.  THAT is what is wrong with the people who scream 'inequality.'

Any one of us can do a Google search and find examples of people from repressed, unequal groups who have achieved greatness.  The difference between the 'haves' and the 'have nots' is that one group is willing to work for what they want and the other wants to cry about not being given opportunities.  One group is to be admired.  I'll let you guess which one.

The Rules

I really, really like this...so simple, so succinct.

And This Will Pass...

The Husband is sick.  I don't know if I ever feel more helpless than when a loved one of mine is sick.  I never know what to do unless the person is undeniably sick or injured and HAS to be seen by a doctor.  Everything that is going on with him points to some sort of influenza or stomach/'flu'...he has the chills, nausea, a bit of a cough, fever.  Most of the time I wouldn't think twice about letting him 'ride it out,' but with his underlying kidney disease, I don't know if we are supposed to aggressively treat any illness.  Of all of the questions we have asked his health 'team,' we never asked about 'normal' illnesses and what he should do if he came down with one.  We will call his doctor's office in the morning and get through this mini crisis...and when we meet with his nephrologist next week, you can be sure we will be asking many questions.

Going Postal

I know that it is very easy to complain about the post office, but, REALLY?...

I do my voting by absentee ballot and have done so for a couple of years now.*  While there are a few 'rules' and instructions to follow, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to vote, put the ballot in the envelope, and mail it.  This I did a couple of weeks ago for the upcoming primary election.  Done and done.  Except...

Two days later, the envelope that I had mailed was delivered to our house.  It was canceled, it was addressed properly, there was the proper amount of postage on it, but it was returned to me.  NOT, however, as a 'return to sender,' but as a 'here is the envelope that was mailed to you.'  I cannot for the life of me understand the glitch that happened.  It. Makes. No. Sense.

The Husband took the ballot envelope and went to City Hall to deliver it to the clerk's office, as the post office had already delivered it and wouldn't deliver it again.  He explained to them what happened.  They looked at him as if he had grown another head.  No one has been able to explain this snafu.  The clerk accepted the envelope--after making sure there had been no tampering--and will add it to the absentee ballots to be counted.  And, I suppose, that will be the end of it.  Still, I DO continue to wonder what happened...


*When you have the chance to vote by absentee ballot, do so.  It is SOOOOOO much easier than having to go to the polling place.  You get your ballot weeks in advance and have a considerable amount of time to fill it out.  You can take your time and decide on how to vote without worrying about being rushed.  I don't believe I will ever NOT vote absentee again!

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

The day after I turned forty, my body fell apart.  I gained 30 pounds overnight, my joints began to ache, and I started to make 'old person noises' whenever I got up from a sitting position.  And every 10 years since, it has gotten worse.  One of the worse problems I have faced with my getting older is the inability to get a good night's sleep.  Yes, I wake up to head to the bathroom several times at night, but it is the trouble trying to find a comfortable position in bed that is the most annoying.  And this is where I segue into this post...

When we were getting ready to move into this house, one of the 'must haves' that I insisted on was a new bed...a KING-SIZED bed.  We never had a room big enough to have a king-sized bed before and I couldn't think of anything more luxurious for our new home.  So, we went shopping.

I haven't slept well for years, so about 5 years ago we went shopping for a new mattress and settled on an expensive model.  I figured you get what you pay for and had always heard that a firmer mattress was what a person should sleep on.  We paid the price and had the thing delivered...and hated pretty much every minute we slept on the thing.  It got to the point where The Husband was sleeping on the sofa and I was in the recliner as much as in bed.  So, when we went to buy our new mattress, we decided to get the cheapest, well-made one we could find.  And then we met Frank, a man who had been in the mattress business for over 30 years.  He began making mattresses, then he supervised mattresses being made, and then he moved into selling mattresses in his senior years.  He talked a good talk and before we knew it, we were on the 'computerized mattress' being 'measured' for the best match for us.  He led us to different beds to 'try out' and left us there.  Both of us were very comfortable and after trying a few more mattresses, decided on the first one we tried.  The mattress cost about as much as we paid for our first car. =8-0

Our bed was delivered shortly after we moved into the house.  And then came the 'break-in period.'  We were told that it would take close to four weeks for our bodies to get used to the new, improved, and perfect-for-our-bodies mattress.  They certainly weren't wrong about getting used to the new bed.  Some mornings I got out of bed feeling as if I was beat with a baseball bat!  But things improved...to a certain extent.  My old body is turning against me once again and it isn't letting me get good sleep.  The conclusion I have come up with is that I haven't found the right pillow.  So, I will be shopping, again.

I pretty much think that a good night's sleep is something I will never have again.  While getting older has its perks*, there are many not so good things.  I try to focus on the good and not the bad.  Why not?  Just think of the alternative.


*Perks of getting older:  no periods, no teenagers, retirement, no schedules, being an 'elder' and being able to speak your own mind...are just a few of the good things!  :)

Bonus Post, Part 2

Several times these past few weeks, we have gotten a phone call where the caller ID says it is from 'FinacialServices.'  Obviously, this is some sort of telemarketer call and we just ignore it.  The phone rings the requisite number of times and then the answering machine kicks in and answers*.  Each time, we then hear this:

Telemarketer:  Hello...this is Grace.  How are you doing?

Us:   'dead silence'  (because she's talking to the answering machine)

Telemarketer:  Hello...are you there?   Hello...

And then 'Grace' hangs up.

I don't think 'Grace' is the sharpest knife in the drawer...



*Our machine 'says' it is a machine and 'asks' the caller to leave a message.  It isn't as if we try to prank our callers by pretending they aren't talking to a machine.  Good grief...

Bonus Post, Part 1

For the first time in my life--and I'm older than dirt--I found an egg with a double yolk last weekend.  I was quite excited.  I need a life...   :D

Yes, I'm Still Alive

It has been a year and a half since I posted and quite a bit has happened.  I will try to be brief.  (HA!)

--The last day of January, a year ago, The Husband put in his retirement papers.  The first day of April, he was done.  He was going to keep working for another couple of years, but things at the power plant changed.  First, we weren't sure exactly how long the plant would stay open and it seemed as if the news was different every few weeks.  Instead of worrying continuously about when the work would end, he just decided to retire.  Also, his oldest niece--a couple of years younger than us--died on the day that he put in his papers.  This was a BIG influence in his decision...why put off til tomorrow, etc, etc, etc.

--No sooner had The Husband retired, we decided to build a new house.  The beginning of May we signed the papers and approved the plans for the house to be started.  We had our old house demolished the beginning of August and the new one was put in place about five weeks later.  (We had a custom-made modular built.)  We finally moved into the house the end of the first week in October.  It was quite interesting to try and pack up and move 38+ years worth of possessions, but we did it--with a LOT of help from our girls and their families.  While we are moved in and pretty well established, the basement is FILLED with boxes that still need to be unpacked.  I hope to live long enough to do the work.  ;)

--And the biggest news of all is that The Husband's health has deteriorated.  In 2006 he was diagnosed with IgA nephropathy and was stable until August.  He has been getting worsening blood test results and he is on the fast track for dialysis/kidney transplant.  We don't know when either will happen, but it looks as if he will begin dialysis probably before summer.  We are hoping to find a donor for a live-organ transplant, but don't know if that will happen...we are just beginning to get things started with the transplant team and aren't very far into the process.  I have been hopeful that I will be able to donate one of my kidneys, but with my own health issues, I don't know if I would be eligible.  We'll have to see what happens.

--Talking about my health:  The scare that I had about my heart a year and a half ago turned out to be nothing.  Things went from bad to worse and worser still before I finally got to see a cardiologist in person, which was about 6 weeks after I first was told there was a problem!  I went in for the appointment and the doctor told me that, after looking at all of my tests, he couldn't find anything wrong with me.  While I DO have some sort of anomaly with my heart rate, it doesn't seem to be anything to worry about and shouldn't cause me any problems.  Then he told me, "Basically, pretend none of this ever happened."  Okay, this was wonderful news, but I couldn't help but be pretty pissed off that I had to go through such stress over, basically, nothing.  However, I have moved on...

--The worse part of all of the health thing with me is the fact that I had to stop all exercising until I was given a cleanish bill of health.  With all of the stress I was under, I turned to my favorite coping method, eating.  That combined with no exercise did nasty things to me...namely weight gain...and got me completely back into old, bad habits.  Pretty much all of the great work and results from my time at the gym are gone.  I have no one to blame but myself, but it is a great disappointment.

--And finally, my Red Wings are doing okay.  They could be doing better and also could be doing a LOT worse.  We are on the downside of the season and just hope they will continue to do well and make it into the playoffs.  I'm really starting to dread the off season...there is no life without hockey.

Hey people, it looks as if I may be back!

A Different Take on Politics

Once again we have an election coming up.  And if I didn't know it, all I have to do is ride around town and see all of the political signs.  Most of the time, I don't pay much attention to them and don't necessarily 'see' whose name is on the sign.  However, I noticed one name lately and that is because I 'know' him on a personal basis...

When my girls were in school, I did quite a bit of volunteering in the school system.  One year when my youngest was in elementary school, I was called upon by the 'room mothers' several times to supervise/chaperon events.  I didn't really get along with these women--one in particular--because they were SO. DAMN. PEPPY!  Every single time I saw them, they were almost giddy with happiness.  They were cheerleaders about everything.  I think I could have coughed and spit a snot ball the size of a Tootsie Roll in their faces and they would have found something positive to say to me.  BUT, it would have come out as a bit condescending, because I wasn't quite on their social level.  I think we all have known people like this in our lives.

Anyway, one of these room mothers really rubbed me the wrong way:  She had the perfect life, the perfect child, the perfect home, the perfect wardrobe, the perfect side job, the perfect husband, the perfect perfect, etc, etc, etc.   And she was just so happy all of the time--and everything was great all of the time.  And I really couldn't stand being around her.  I don't do peppy people.  But one day, I realized there just might be a reason for all of her peppiness.

I don't quite remember what holiday or special day we were celebrating in the classroom.  I had done whatever it was I had been told to do...probably passing out juice or cookies or something.  I remember going to get some napkins from the other side of the room and happened to stumble upon the peppy mom and her husband standing, hidden from view, in the corner.  While I didn't hear what was going on, I SAW what was going on:  He was berating her in such a manner that I actually felt sorry for the woman.  He had such a bullying look on his face and she was almost cowering over the 'attack.'  Because they had placed themselves away from everyone else, I knew they wanted privacy so I moved on and pretended not to see anything.*  I always imagined that her peppiness was a cover up for an, at least partially, unhappy life.  This was something that I can never forget.

So, imagine my surprise when this same man shows up on campaign posters, asking for my vote on November 4.  Just proves that we have no idea who any of these people are that we are asked to vote for.  I wonder if I want to have a possible abuser represent me even at a local level.  Quite a dilemma.


*I'm sure some people would say that I did a disservice to the woman by not intervening.  I don't how to respond to this.  I REALLY don't know how to respond to this.

Life Changes

I'm back because there are some big time changes going on in my life--and they very possibly will be permanent.  I really haven't been happy trying to come to grips with what has been happening and I think if I write everything down, it'll be easier for me.  So, here goes:

Earlier this year the internist I wound up with after my all-time favorite doctor left private practice, retired.  Of course, they never found a replacement for her and I was 'passed on' to another doctor in the practice until someone permanent could be found to take me on.  I saw the physician's assistant one time to discuss my thyroid--which has been wonky for almost a year--and was to see him again in September.  Before this appointment happened, I was passed-on to another doctor and saw her physician's assistant for a 'get to know you' appointment, along with a review of my labs.  And here is where my story really begins.

I was very impressed with the PA.  She spent an hour with me and she looked over my records for the past several years.  One thing she went over closely was the report that came from my wearing a Holter monitor a couple of years ago.  My heart rate was quite low, so in order to rule out 'whatever,' this test was done.  Nothing was found to be of concern and life went on.  Until last month.  The PA looked at the report and said she saw an anomaly on the EKG readings and wanted to investigate it further.  And so an appointment for a stress echo was set up.

I guess I have always been waiting for some form of heart problem to show up with me.  I have far too many risk factors:  I am overweight, lived most of my live in a pretty sedentary manner, don't eat the foods I should, was a smoker for 30 years, have relatives with heart problems, and am a Finn.  So this wasn't unexpected--I just was surprised that no one had thought it necessary for me to have a stress test before now.  Anyway, off I went to the hospital to have a look-see at my heart.

I was a bit nervous about doing a stress test.  I guess I thought that I was to practically run on a treadmill for quite a few minutes in order to get and keep my heart rate up to the 160-170 range.  As it turned out, they only needed the rate to be in the 130's, but it needed to be at that point while they did they ultrasound of my heart.  Because my heart rate recovers so quickly, I needed to walk the treadmill until my rate was about 160 and then everything happened very, very fast. By the time I got back on the table, my rate had gone so far down that they barely had time to get the pictures--but get them, they did.  Turns out, the pictures looked good, but the EKG showed quite a problem during the period of stress.  And this is where things started happening fast and furious.

I was put on a medication--a beta blocker--to keep my heart rate from going too high.  Also, my MD's office was making arrangements for me to have an appointment with a cardiologist.  Of course, all of this happened on a Friday, so nothing was going to be resolved until the following week.  It was recommended that I restrict my activities and try and go on with my life.  Easier said than done!  I started out as a fairly healthy person a couple of weeks earlier and now I was told that there was something pretty significant going on with my heart, but I was supposed to stay calm and act normally.  Right.

In the middle of all of this,I began to have stomach pains.  I ignored them as much as possible, but on the fourth of October, I couldn't anymore.  At 5:00 AM I found myself in the ER with what I thought were heart attack symptoms.  While everyone agreed that it was more than possible that I was having a heart attack, it turned out to not be one.  (For the rest of the weekend I was in bed, sick, with a fever, stomach pains, no appetite--all pointing to a stomach bug, NOT a heart problem.)  However, to be safe, the cardiologist on-call looked over my test results along with the results of my stress echo.  This brought on a whole other bunch of things for me to cope with.

Before I left the ER, I was put on ANOTHER medication, This time, a calcium channel blocker.  Again, they don't want my heart rate to go too high.  I also got some nitroglycerin pills, in case I should have chest pains.  Also, I was to have a coronary CT to see what was going on with my heart.  (Thankfully, this was instead of a cardiac catheterization, which they thought I needed in the first place.)  And I went home.

The following week found me back to the hospital for the CT and getting the report from all of the tests.  Right now, the diagnosis for me is printzmetal angina.  Yippee!  This is something that is quite uncommon and it seems as if I have very uncommon symptoms on top of everything else.  I won't be seeing the cardiologist until the 3rd of November, so I won't be able to find out how this conclusion was reached.  My internist's office seems to agree with the diagnosis, so until something different comes up when I see the cardiologist, I guess I have angina.

Of course, I wound up at my internist's office again this past week.  I have been having some side effects from the two new meds that I've been put on, so they had to be addressed.  One of the problems I've been having is swelling of my feet, ankles, and lower legs.  This is a common side effect of the calcium channel blocker, so I was put on a different medication in the hopes that I won't swell quite as badly.  And it hasn't helped--as a matter of fact, I seem to be worse than I was.  And all this leads to another call to the doctor's office tomorrow and, most likely, a different drug to try.  This all probably will change when I see the cardiologist.  I'm thinking he just might take me off of most--if not all--of what I'm on today and start from scratch.  I do believe I will be put back on a statin and I will be on one or more blood pressure meds when it is all said and done.  Other than that, I'm not sure what will happen.

All of this has my feeling a bit overwhelmed and slightly scared.  About the only thing I'm sure of is that I will be having regular visits with the cardiologist and my internist for the next 3-6 months until things are worked out to everyone's satisfaction.  I will wind up on some sort of drug cocktail and it will take time to tweak everything so that things will be fine.  At this point--and I realize it is just in the beginning stages--I am not happy with the way things are going.  I am not feeling well and the only thing I can point to are the meds that I'm on.  I can't live a good life if I am feeling like I do right now and the doctor has to realize this.  I don't think the solution to this is going to be easy OR quick.  And I'm not too happy with the journey I am about to embark on.

Weird Phone Calls--and Texts

The other day I got a phone call that left me completely perplexed.  Here is the entire conversation:

(phone rings)
Me:  Hello.
Caller:  Hi, is C___ there?
Me:  That would be me.
Caller:  Oh, uh, I mean is Jennifer there?
Me:  Jennifer?  There is no one here by that name.
Caller:  Oh, okay.
(phone hangs up)

Now, am I wrong or was this the weirdest call?  I don't understand it at all.

But, that is not all.  A couple of months ago I got a text message.  Here is the screen shot of it:

Weird?  I think so!