Toilet Paper

I have quite a few quirks in my personality--as if THAT wasn't apparent!--and one of them has to do with having 'enough' stock of various items. For example, if I don't have 6 cans of green beans on the shelf in the pantry, then I feel as if I am running out and NEED to purchase more. Depending on the item, the amount I need in this house at any given time varies. I MUST have four large cans of tomato soup, but I only need one can of Comet--other than the one in use. I don't really know how I came up with how much of each thing I need, but the 'rules' serve me well. That is until Charmin started screwing around with their toilet paper. I no longer know just what size roll I need--I don't want to have to change the roll too often! There now are 4 different size rolls that you can get and depending on which size I purchase, the amount I need in the house changes. Because determining the equivalence between each size roll requires a form of higher math--which I very rarely do these days--I now keep at least two packages of TP in the house at all times, and just pray I don't run out. Now, as a public service, I am posting a guide for buying Charmin--I don't want anyone else to have to go through the hell I have!

Charmin Roll Size Guide

1 Regular Roll--176 sheets
This size roll is for the single man who has no visitors other than his mother once a year. Let's face it, anyone who has done a man's laundry has seen the 'skid marks' in the skivvies. A single man will NOT go through a lot of toilet paper.

1 Big Roll--352 sheets (equals 2 Regular Rolls)
A single woman who has gone through menopause will do nicely with this size roll. Seeing as she no longer has extra 'cleanliness' issues, having twice as much TP as a single man should work--and she will STILL have to change rolls 10 times more often.

1 Giant Roll--440 sheets (equals 2 1/2 Regular Rolls)
Single women before menopause, or married couples, can use this size. Just because a man is in the house makes no difference: see the first comment.

1 Mega Roll--704 sheets (equals 4 Regular Rolls--AND needs a special 'extender' for the holder)
Anyone who has kids cannot get anything smaller than this. The chances of the kids going through this in less than one day are slim--mothers KNOW how long a kid is supposed to be in the bathroom! No matter if the kid is doing some extra 'paperwork' or trying to see just how plugged up s/he can get the toilet, the mother will get there before the entire roll is gone.

I realize that according to my guide, I should not have to buy anything bigger than the 'Giant Roll,' but that is becoming a problem for me. See, I usually buy my TP at WalMart, but they have not carried this size for awhile. So, after all of the calculating I had to do, I'm left with having to buy the 'Mega Roll.' Trouble is, it is so big that I have to be careful that the paper doesn't yellow with age before I get a chance to use it all! NOTHING is easy.