Family Secrets

As far as I know, my family doesn't have any earth-shattering secrets. But, then, isn't that what keeping secrets is all about--not passing them on? The secrets that I DO know, however, are of the 'huh?' variety--not worth a damn after a few years. Examples follow.

--The Mother's parents 'had' to get married. She didn't find out until I was an adult and married. Somehow, she was given her parents' marriage license and was able to count the months. I guess it WAS a very different time back then, but in this day and age the 'secret' definitely is of the 'meh' kind.

--Again with The Mother: Her mother died shortly after giving birth. The Mother was told it was due to heart problems and that my grandmother should never have gotten pregnant in the first place. (Quite a load of guilt to be saddled with your whole life, hey?) Years later--probably about the same time as the marriage reveal--The Mother saw g-mother's death certificate. The g-mother died of tuberculosis, NOT heart problems. What????? Again, considering the period of history, I guess I understand the secret, but still.

--The Father had an uncle who was gay. DON'T EVER mention his gayness to anyone in The Father's family!!! It is totally denied! His 'roommate' was only a friend--even though they lived together FOREVER, the uncle never married, and the uncle left his roommate most everything he had in his will. WHY keep this a secret? Doesn't EVERY family have a gay member?

Not great enough secrets to make my family interesting, are they? As I said, we have no earth-shattering secrets THAT I KNOW OF. The secrets I don't know the answers to ARE interesting, however. They follow.

--After The Mother's mother died, her father went a little bit crazy. He up and left--his newborn daughter, his family, everyone and everything. And he was gone for at least a year or two. The most anyone knows about his 'lost time' is that he was out west and was in Oregon for a period of time. We know nothing more about what he did. The Mother always has thought someone will knock on her door one day and introduce himself/herself as her sibling. (I guess this might be the desire of an only child, but still...)

--My great-grandfather came here to the US from Finland. When he left Finland, he REALLY left it--he wouldn't talk about his homeland at all. And he NEVER talked about the reason he left home. We have always thought he LEFT Finland rather than CAME to America--there just seems to be some big reason for his leaving. We think his leaving had something to do with the military. Maybe he left so that he wouldn't be 'drafted'--either into the Finnish army OR the Russian. (He was born and raised right on the Finnish/Russian border.) Or maybe he did something terrible. We'll never know. What we DO know is this: He changed his life at some time while here in the US--he became an EXTREMELY devout Christian and devoted his life to spiritual matters. Was this in response to a guilty conscience? Hmmm.

--While not as great of a mystery--at least I don't think so--as some others might be, I really know nothing about my paternal grandfather. He died before I was born--and might have even died before The Mother married into the family. I believe he was a drinker. That is ALL I know about the man. The Father never talked about him or referenced him in any way--but, then, The Father doesn't say more than a few words at a time anyhow, so... But The Mother has NEVER heard a secret that she didn't want to pass on, so if there was any dirt to be dished, she would have told me. I still think there may be some secrets regarding him, but I'll never hear them.

--And then we have The Mother's uncle who was a hobo. Now, his life wasn't so much a secret as it was a mystery--after all he WAS a hobo! I guess he 'rode the rails' and went all over the country. I'm not even sure as to when or where he died. He might have been a very interesting person to talk to.

Finns as a people are very closed-mouthed--at least the ones I know. So I don't know if it is that fact or family 'pride' that keeps some things from being talked about, but I grew up with keeping 'secrets.' My being molested by an uncle was NEVER mentioned--even though The Parents knew all about it. The Mother was molested by the same uncle and I didn't find out about it until I was married and had my kids--it was the same time I found out one of The Mother's cousins was ALSO molested by the man. A great secret to keep, hey?

It always seemed as if secrets had to be kept if the story would put The Family in a bad light--an "Oh, no, NOT in OUR family" sort of thing. When we were in the midst of all of our problems with C, The Mother ORDERED me not to tell my best friend what was going on--mainly because she might tell someone who would tell someone and the story would go around the town where The Parents live. How HORRIBLE that The Parents might be known as having an incorrigible grandchild! It did become a moot point when they took C into their house to live, so...

I learned that keeping secrets aren't worth it. The Mother kept me from getting wonderful support and sympathy by making me be afraid to tell some of my 'secrets.' She also kept me tied to her far too long by having me keep those secrets. When I finally decided to be open and honest about things, she lost her hold over me. My life is pretty much an open book these days--and it is pretty liberating. Unfortunately, I think I may be TOO forthcoming about some things--I mean really, do people NEED to know about ALL of my health issues? :)--but I don't hesitate to give honest answers to honest questions. You want to know about Child Services coming to my house? Just ask, I'll tell the story. You want details about A leaving home when she was in 11th grade? I won't think twice about telling the story. Most of my life isn't worth keeping as a secret.